Thursday, December 25, 2008

Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

We here at Robot Loves Zombie have, over the course of the last year, not only become acquainted, but absolutely smitten with The Flight of the Conchords (I was going to put a slick link in the name but they have a million sites, none of which get updated regularly. I'm not bitter, though...). So I wrote them a letter today in the hopes that they can fix a problem they created through their endeavors. I got excited and sent off the first email too soon and had to create a second one. I also had to join fucking MySpace again just so I could send them a goddamn message. Enjoy.

Dear Flight of the Conchords (Bret and Jemaine),

I recently purchased your CD, Flight of the Conchords. I was enjoying the CD quite a bit when Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros [feat. Rhymenocerous and the Hiphopopotamus] came on. While the song is catchy and starts off well, one part in particular was a bit off-putting. Jemaine, a.k.a. Hiphopopotamus, clearly states that his lyrics are bottomless. Upon hearing this line I was more excited than ever by the song because I was looking forward to a lyrical buffet, as it were. So you can imagine my chagrin when I found out that, in fact, this so-called "rapper"'s lyrics were not only bottomful, but that they had indeed already run out.

As a consumer and aspiring rap artist you must understand how deeply this affected me. As of the time of this email, I am currently unable to listen to rap songs of any kind for fear that what the rappers say may not be true. What would the world be like if, for instance, Jay-Z only had 63 problems? Or take it a step further: What if one of his 63 problems was a bitch after all? Suppose for a moment that when Dr. Dre is on the mic, nobody crumbles like a cookie? Are we, the rapping community, really able to handle having so many sucka' ninjas standing resolutely against our rhymes? I submit that we are not.

To right this wrong, I strongly suggest you do the following things:

1. Record an alternate version of the song in which you fill the deafening silence created by your dirty, dirty lies.

2. Write or record a formal apology to your fans and the rap community at large. It would be nice if you mentioned me: It will help my activist agenda of making sure that everybody believes everything they hear in the media. I would happily post your apology on my blog and YouTube channel to increase your already considerable exposure.

3. Send me an autographed, FotC-branded item of your choosing. You can even have Brian/Murray/Rhys sign it for the sake of being thorough. This will show your commitment to making things right, standing strong in the face of adversity.

Do these things and you will be able to restore the world's faith in the rap game. I dream that one day my son will grow up knowing, not believing, but knowing that Vanilla Ice will cook MCs like a pound of bacon, that 911 is a joke in his town, and that, while a woman is welcome to do side-bends or sit-ups, she need never lose that butt.
That's a world you should want to raise your kids in as well.

Josh Scotto, a.k.a. Dekx
Co-Blogger at

P.S. I wrote this note hoping that it would be easy to contact you two fine gentlemen. But to my surprise I had to create a MySpace profile since no other option appears to be available to me. As you must know by now, MySpace is pretty much the worst website of all time and space. It's like the Mos Isley of the internets only you don't get the satisfaction of slicing off a fool's arm when he acts like a fool-ass fool.

Please install a red "Conchords Phone" in your music/crime fighting lair at your earliest convenience. I shall do the same, ensuring that any time RLZ needs to contact FotC, we will be able to do so ASAP. Trust me, Jemaine and Bret, it's for your own good.

(Second email)

I forgot to leave you a more amenable means of contacting us at RLZ while we all work on the Conchords Phone implementation.

Though you can find it by navigating to our blog, our email address is


Also, meant to put my rapping name in my signature, and so shall do it now.

Thanks for your time,

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Get Fuuucked, MySpace

I dunno why I joined MySpace, exactly. I think it had to do with the hot rollerderby girls here in Reno. But I fucking hated it there. While going through the 17 screens required to destroy my MySpace account, I found a box with seemingly unlimited characters asking my why I was leaving that cyber shit hole. Following is what I wrote and submitted.

Well, where to begin? For starters, it's slow. This may have something to do with all the people coming here, but more likely to do with the fact that it seems the whole thing was coded almost at random. Perhaps you you guys hired some of those Shakespeare-writing monkies? Or perhaps your servers were shot in the face with an HTML cannon? I dunno, but I get a headache just looking at this place, never mind trying to navigate it.

But more importantly, I hate it here. It's full of amateur pornographers that want me to watch them diddle themselves on webcams and then send them what little money I don't spend on professional pornographers diddling themselves on webcams. I also seem to have contracted what is either Herpes Symplex B or a case of The Babies. In any event I'm swollen, red, and full of penicillin.

In closing, I'd just like to say that I'm never coming back and felt you should hear it from me so you're not surprised when you come by to read my latest blog entry. But do not despair! We will always have those unbareably long waits when trying to move from one page to the next. That's how I will forever remember you.

Love Always,

And now here's a song by one of Robot Loves Zombie's Ukelele Girlfriends singing about MySpace. I wish all of our posts could have such relevant outros.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

"Eat Dat Cat Poo!!"

Due to the holidays and some recent retirements, there are a lot of potlucks going on today. Normally I don't mind potlucks because I think I eat what average people eat so I don't mind smelling what they cooked.

But today...

Today I smelled what I can only describe as cooking cat shit. There was nothing else I could associate the smell with that would explain the horriblenessitudinosity of it. For reals. Obviously I was concerned. Who would cook cat shit? More importantly, who would eat cat shit?! Even MORE importantly, who would cook cat shit then bring it to work hoping somebody would eat it?!?!?

I'm at odds with myself: On the one hand, the inexplicable smell of cooked cat shit. On the other hand, it seems nearly impossible that somebody would cook cat shit. If I'm wrong, then obviously I'm out of balance. I'm bonkers, nuts, apeshit insane. But if I'm right...GORT help us all...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Note To Self

Do NOT fart in your cube while you're wearing headphones. You'll have no idea how loud it was and that's wicked dangerous.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election 08

We here in the Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan, Inc. would like to congratulate the United States and Barak Obama. While our relationship with the US has been tenuous at best since the atrocities committed against us by the Nixon administration, we look forward to a more open and rewarding dialogue with the newly elected commander and chief.
For America, this is an amazingly historic moment. It's the first time an African American or "Black Person" has been elected to such a lofty office. Chakakahnistan applauds this choice. Our recent election which was won handily by RoboCop and Unicorn had several firsts of its own that America may still not be ready for. Firstly, RoboCop is the first cyborg elected to this office. Some of you may say, "Wait, Optimus Prime served 01010110 terms as president!". But we remind you that Optimus Prime is a full robot, and Chakakahinstan has never shied away from electing a robot to high office. But this is the first time that someone half man, half machine and all cop has held this office. This of course is not counting the three years when Dekx let a robotic ape with Liberace's brain run our nation church state corporation. That's not really a cyborg. We don't know what it is, but it wasn't a cyborg.
This is also only the second time in the history of Chakakahnistan that a Mythical creature has served since Teddy Roosevelt won in '87. Again, something America may just not be ready for.
We do however, have some concerns and suggestions for the new President of America.

1. Favorable Trade status with Chakakahnistan. Like China, we are not afraid to use slave and prison labour to produce cheap and dangerous products. Unlike China, we are not ashamed of that fact. We are not intimidated by so-called Humanitarian Watchdog Groups. We simply drug them and they wake up in the mines being menaced by robot guards with plasma whips. Also, America still owes us $50 that we loaned Henry Kissinger when he ran into a little "gambling debt".

2. End hostilities with Japan. I haven't really kept up with the war and all, but they build damn fine robots and if you keep antagonizing them, the Japanese may turn them loose on America someday. Don't say we didn't warn you.

3. More freedom for the undead. While Chakakahnistan has had a zombie first lady and several rotting presidents, and we have had to shoot them all in the head eventually, at least they got to serve. Meanwhile, America has kept the zombie population violently reigned in. You can tell a lot about a nation by how it treats its zombies.

4. You guys don't mind if we hit it with that Palin chick, do you? I mean, she's ripe for what you might call a, "heaving beef missle grudge fuck," if you catch our drift (/wink). We don't want to be lewd so we'll leave it at this subtle intimation but you'd be cool with it, right? If it would be weird for you guys we totally won't do it but we didn't think it would hurt to ask.

4a. Please don't make us invoke the time-honored "Brosiffs Before Hosiffs" code.

5. Increase the speed of light. If anyone can do this, America can. Chakakahnistan already benefits from unrestricted universal speed. We have the "Warp Vortex Cane Punch" cane that allows me to instantly punch Dekx in the neck from miles away through the warp gate attached to the top of my pimp cane. Dekx and I often time-travel in order to try and kill each other or to "do it" with each other's mom and try to become each other's fathers. And we just recently completed the main power supply of Planet Baracus. Our crack unit of commandoes built it out of car parts, old lumber and two siamese cats that they found in the LA underground. I don't understand how it works, but I'm assured it involves the cats being fired out of a cannon and going faster than the speed of light and driving around in a van a lot.

In closing, I would like to quote the great and wise Maya Angelu;
"Ice Cube will Swarm, On any motherfucker in a blue uniform!"

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the First

Vienna, Austria. 1808 AD
Ludwig Von Beethoven was between his 6th and 7th Symphonies. Napolean Bonepart was running around Europe and getting in fights. Knowing that Vienna was protected by Beethoven, Napoleon commissioned the design and construction of his fourth, and largest, Coal Powered-Automatic Soldier in hopes that he could conquer Vienna without any chance of resistance. Taken by suprise, much of the city was crushed by the giant metal feet of Napoleon's lumbering juggernaut. This destruction continued unabated for a few minutes because Beethoven couldn't hear all the screaming and crashing and simply wondered why all the stupid people were running around and making faces at him. But once he was properly notified by the city through use of the Beethoven signal flashing across the sky, Ludwig sprang into action. Swiftly he dashed through the streets of a terrified Vienna and spying the nearest piano through the smashed open wall of a family sitting room, Beethoven played the secret chords that allowed him to grow to considerable size. Beethoven found the robot closing in on the Schatzkammer where the royal jewels of the Hapsburg are kept. Napoleon wanted these to help finance his wars, and also because some of them would look stunning pinned to his jacket.
The fight raged for many hours, with only one restroom break, and one break for tea.
Beethoven won.
Demoralized, Napoleon next tried to invade Russia and that sorta failed too and led to his eventual defeat by all the other people that didn't like him. Napoleon's giant robot was last seen limping toward Poland.
Beethoven went on to write more symphonies and was the first to make contact with diplomats from another planet. He kicked their asses too.

The End

Monday, October 13, 2008

Lost Tablets of Tales of Mothy

I'm back. For a little bit. To check on my experiments, test the pasta and make sure it's cooked properly, add a dash of salt to soup, and make sure they flick all the rat droppings off the plate before it goes out to the customers. Other than that I've been up to my neck in artwork and overtime at real work. I'm finishing up special sketch cards for a set known as Marvel Masterpieces. These original sketches get collated in with the regular cards and are pretty rare. I also get some of my own to draw up and sell on e-bay or as commissions. I'm already $200 richer than I was last week. So, yeah. It ain't exactly comics, but I'm getting paid to draw Marvel characters.
On another art front, I have two pieces of pen and ink drawing in a one night fund raiser show for Reno Erotico Diablo. I got to draw robots with boobies! When I went to drop off the artwork, at a local boutique that's helping put on the show, the owner asked me to do a show in her store, so there's that too.
I've also recently un-earthed some lost files from the history of the Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan, Inc. As soon as we have more catalogued and verified by our legion of super-smart chimp lawyers, we'll begin posting those. It will change the way you look at history. Forever. Even in the future when they have re-forgotten the things we are about to teach you, it will blow their future minds like a talking space jellyfish just stung their enlarged psychic prostate! 


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Space Monkeeeey, Space Monkey!

I have never, ever wanted a space monkey more than right now.
Nor have I ever wanted to be in a jazz/hip-hop fusion band more than right now.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hell is Staind

I have the fucking terrble Staind song, "Believe" stuck in my head. I'm not going to link you to the song and fuck it, I'm not even going to rant about it. Suffice it to say that it's hellish. And the worst part is that I don't feel like listening to my iPod right now so I'm just sort of stuck here with Aaron Lewis steadily filling me with rage. God help the poor fucker who cuts me off in traffic or stands outside of my cube talking about football today...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


So I started watching this the other day at work. I don't quite recall how I came upon it. In any event, I found it to be incredibly compelling. I couldn't stop watching it! Until I imagined somebody walking into my cube and catching me staring adoringly at it. Once I imagined myself trying to explain to my boss why I had Ronald JapDonald freaking the fuck out on my screen, turning it off was the only logical course of action. Enjoy!!

EDIT: As soon as I put this up on the site I started watching the video again and got sucked back in! I just can't shake the feeling that this is getting me ready for something. Like I need to watch it so I can be reprogrammed so I'll be ready for when we have to fight the first wave of AI robots or something. Or maybe they're peparing me for a life of servitude. MOTHy and I can hang out in our future-track suits and watch bizarre Japanese McDonald's remixes all day on the Holo-Vid until it's our turn to be harvested for parts to build ZombiOts: The first Robot-Zombie hybrid. And one day, the Good Lord willing, we'll be able to infect the flesh with lycanthropy AND zombie-ism to make the most powerful being of all time!

The Werombiot. BOOGILY!
Or else it's just some weird shit from a weird culture.
Or is it?

Friday, August 15, 2008

I Knew Right Away He Was Classy

I walked into the bathroom near my office today and I knew immediately that there was a classy guy in the shitter.

1. Despite me making sure I was noisy enough to alert him to my presence he was blasting out the sloppiest, underwear-striping, juice farts you could possibly imagine.
2. He was on the phone.
3. He sort of took his time getting off the phone.
4. He then got even sloppier with the pooper cheeze whiz.
5. He has a mullet.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Toy Hiatus

So check out this sexy bitch right mhya. That's right, it's the Lego Death Star and it's glorious. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be mine. It was like I was 10 all over again and dreaming about the expensive stuff in the mini-catalog that comes with smaller toys. So I told my wife, Nellbot, that, oh yes, it will be mine. So serious was I about making sure I got this Lego juggernaut, or Legonaut, if you will, that I swore off all other toys until I have this at Christmas time.

The idea is that, by staying my toy habit for a few months I would easily be able to justify spending the money I would have spent on several smaller toys on this one sex machine. I see now that I have fucked myself by saying I would wait until Christmas, though, because I know I would have spent more than $400 on toys between now and then. It's almost certain. So we're actually saving money by doing this.

While it's still totally worth the hiatus, I have not curtailed or altered my toy shopping habits, it's just that I don't buy anything. So whenever I'm in Target or Wal-Mart I still go immediately to the toy section it's just that I know ahead of time I'm going to have a massive case of blue balls when I leave. Some days it's not an issue because they have the same old shit but there have been a few serious temptations over the last 8 weeks that have tested my faith.

First I saw these sweet little fellows from Funko (please excuse my ghetto SnagIt/PowerPoint photo skillz). I already have a bunch of their Star Wars bobble heads so you can imagine my excitement when I saw these. But I knew right away it could not be. For the Lego Death Star holds a place in my heart that no bobble heads, no matter how gloriously Avengers, could fill. It was tough leaving these beauties behind but I held my head up high and looked valiantly to the future and my Lego Death Star and the end of my toy moritorium much the same way that Edmond Dantes looked forward to escaping from Chateu d'If and finding his beloved Mercedes.

Another line of toys I have which I enjoy very much are Hasbro's Muggs. I currently have several of the Star Wars ones and so I was once again pleased and heartbroken to see other classics in the line up which I really, really wanted to pick up. Behold! INDANA JONES MUGGS!!!

But, as you might have guessed by now I did not pick these up either. This is going to be an ongoing saga for me and therefore you, as well, until I get my baby. Subsequent related posts will almost certainly just be photos of other awesome toys I didn't buy.

I knew it was going to be hard...but I did not know it was going to be this hard...

Friday, August 1, 2008


As promised, I give you...Robot Loves Zombie Curiosities!!!
And I assure you, there will be more to come....

Friday, July 25, 2008

Doo'Doo Doo Doo'Doodleooh, Dooooo Doo

Peep the sexy shoes. I got these just over two years ago and wore them about three times then promptly forgot about them. Today I found them in the bottom of the entryway closet and realized that they're awesome all over again.

So I'm in my Umps Whicky ONE shoes today. Don't be surprised if I bust out any number of the Four Elements of Hip Hop on your cracker asses. I may bust a rhyme, I may bust a move, I may bust out my beat box skillz, or I may bust out some ill turntablism to your dome. I may do all four, mutha' fucka'!

Queue Dr. Dre's Dre Day for these bitches, Mix Masta MOTHbot.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

MOTHy Goes To The Dentist

So MOTHy went to the dentist today and as a result one side of his head is all floppy and soggy-like on account of the Novacaine. When he told me this I immediately had a day dream in which we got him a hockey helmet and went to Busch Gardens and used his newly attained Retard Status to cut to the front of the ride lines. Naturally this would be portrayed to the audience as a Buddy Montage with lots of shots of MOTHbot getting ice cream and the mustard from his hot pretzel all over his face, accompanied by Queen's You're My Best Friend. There would also be a scene in the montage where he rubs his face in a hot girl's tittays but she's totally ok with it because he's retarded. Then I get a turn just so I don't feel left out. Then we're doing the Eiffel Tower on the chick and she's trussed up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

Man, if only MOTHy were actually retarded;
He'd be so much more fun!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Cheering Up

I have had an unbelievably infuriating day because people seem to have all accidentally been labotomized last night. People that aren't completely stupid are doing completely stupid things. It's pretty amazing that it's all happening on one day.

PLUS I can hear some irritating dumb cunt from the next department down from us not just popping her bubble gum, but apparently blowing that shit up with a cherry bomb ever 15 seconds or so.

To cheer myself up, though, I'm going to share with you all a revelation that occurred to me last Friday while taking the ol' pissaroo.

I dunno if ladies can see their pee stream but us fellas have nothing better to do during the ol' pissaroo. If you pay even a little attention to it you'll see that it comes out spinning, as though the wang were rifled. This really never sparked anything until Friday when I suddenly realized that it had to be the Coriolis Effect. That's what makes hurricanes spin clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere. But it works on my dick and piss, too! AWESOME! Plus that means if I were to pee in, say, Antarctica, my piss would swirl in the opposite direction it currently does. I wonder if that would hurt or feel different.

I wonder....

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being married is tough all over, even in Chakakahnistan which has some of the most liberal relationship laws on the planet. Gender and race are so yesterday! The Nation-State-Church-Corporation of Chakakahnistan fully embraces relationships with robots as well as the undead and is always looking for ways to improve your love life. To help you further enjoy your indefinite servitude to your spouse/master, we present the official Anniversary themes for subjects of our beloved Nation. Whether you slave away here on Earth, or have pioneered the far regions of newly acquired Planet Baracus, you may find much joy in these annual themes.

1 Year- Monkey (anything simian will do)
2 Year- Unobtanium
3 Year- Turn-tables
4 Year- This anniversary is forbidden. Just skip it.
5 Year- Subliminal (Buy Spend Kill)
6 Year- Robot
7 Year- Go to Year 14
8 Year- Olde Tyme Radio
9 Year- Stigmata
10 Year- Coffee
11 Year- Techno Music
12 Year- Left Ear
13 Year- Death Star
14 Year- Go to Year 7
15 Year- Christopher Walken
16 Year- Quantum Mechanniversary
17 Year- Agnostic
18 Year- Anniversary of the Living Dead
19 Year- Hip-Hop
20 Year- Quarantine
21 Year- Optimus Prime
22 Year- Meat Helmet
23 Year- Ninja Star
24 Year- Ol' Dirty Bastard (The rapper, not the lifestyle)
25 Year- Munchausen Syndrome (They can't leave you if they need you)
26 Year- Shooting Spree with His and Her Tinfoil Hats
27 Year- Suicide (It's the best gift you could give your mate!)
28 Year- Loudly Singing Songs You Don't Know The Words To
29 Year- Beating Off While Quietly Weeping in the Shower, Sad and Alone, Wondering Where It All Went Wrong
30 Year- Church State Republic of Chakakhanistan Incorporated Flag's Mythical Creature: The Body of a Unicorn and the Head of Chaka Khan.
31 Year- Dutch Oven
32 Year- Stockholm Syndrome (Are you a spouse or a hostage?)
33 Year- Large Pants
34 Year- Heisenberg Uncertainty-versary Principle (Where is your spouse and how fast is he moving?)
35 Year- The Taint
36 Year- Walkie Talkies!

50 Year- Bruce Springstein
75 Year- Kryptonian
99 Year- Anni-fucking-versary- Tmesis
100 Year- Cosmic Space Baby

That should get most everyone started. We'll fill in where needed. Remember: the penalty for not following these themes is death, re-animation and re-deathing.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

n00bta(that should be an "at" symbol but Blogger won't let me use it)rd (Tmesis)

So I develop and support databases for my company. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 active databases and 300+ users between them. Whenever people have problems I always get the person straightened out and happy, then I make sure the issue is permanently resolved so I don't have to continue dealing with it. That keeps me happy as well as my customers. On the whole, I enjoy this aspect of my job.


I do have to deal with what many interwebs-savvy people might call a n00bt@ard (pronounced "Noob Tard"). It's a term used to denote that somebody is both a "noobie", meaning they don't have any technical skillz and a retard. While noobtards are almost always my biggest source of irritation, they make for good stories. In the past I had to deal with a woman who was trying to drag a file from Windows Explorer to a Browse box to attach a document in an Internet Explorer web page. Another woman didn't know that the Reply All button even existed in Outlook, much less what it does. Those women are two of my biggest noobtards but neither really compares to the third noobtard in the n00bt@rd God Head.

Today she emailed me and said, "My database doesn't work, can you halp?"

Me: "Maybe. If you tell me what database you're talking about."

NT: "The Such and Such Research One."

Me: "Ah, well try reinstalling it using the attached file."

NT: "I ran the file and it still doesn't work. What should I do?"

Me: "How about starting with WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING!!! Did the installation file fail? Does the shortcut not appear on the desktop? Are you getting an error on open? Are you getting an error when running a specific report? Are you getting an error regardless of what report you run? Is your fucking computer on fire? Is your vision just blurry from all the goddamn paint chips you ate as a kid? Or does your Fetal Alcohol Syndrome prevent you from thinking back to the fucking THOUSAND OTHER TIMES I have helped you troubleshoot a database and realizing that "It doesn't work" doesn't tell me shit about what's wrong?"

I see now why IQ tests focus primarily on the ability to recognize patterns. All of the stupidest people I have ever met can't seem to get past "2 +" to seal the deal. What boggles my mind, and more importantly enrages me, is that these mother fuckers not only hold jobs in real companies like mine, rather than mopping spoo at a porn shop, they stay alive! They manage to get dressed, not get run over by trucks, not to shower with their plugged in hair drier, or jump into tiger cages at the zoo.

Man, I love my job...

Friday, June 27, 2008

Tipping Dominos

Any good conspiracy theorist will tell you that the news never, ever, ever tells us the truth. They are constantly looking for new ways to manipulate our minds to keep us scared and consuming things we don't need in order to keep the Thiefocratic Capitalist Industrial Killing Machine rolling at full steam. But the very best conspiracy theorist marks some of the lowest forms of humanity since they base all of their "theories" on random bullshit, circular logic, and weak, unsupported arguments. We here at Robot Loves Zombie do not condone such behavior nor do we allow such things to go unnoticed or unchecked. MOTHbot and I are an Atheist and a logical Agnostic, respectively, and both can be accurately described as reasonable Skeptics.

Having said all of that, check out this shit and this other shit I found on yesterday! It's only a matter of some short years before

A. We get Ironman-type armored combat suits made available to the general populace. Of course they'll be marketed simply as a means of personal transportation but there will immediately be an underground market catering to people who would like their transportation to also support our 2nd Amendment Right to fuck shit up at or near the speed of sound.

B. We finally update our robots to be more human-like than ever and we have a force that can finally face the zombie hordes without fear or reservation. Only an unwavering efficiency in the face of insurmountable odds. They'll be the New Vanguard of human civilization.

C. Option B happens but MOTHbot and I have our brains downloaded into the only two Deluxe models of the robots above ever made, control the New Vanguard saving what's left of humanity and then promptly subjugating it and finally realizing The Church of the Nation State of Chaka Khanistan, Incorporated, LLC. in all it's glory!!!

So if you're out there reading this I highly recommend that you learn the CNSCKIL national anthem, "Stockholme Syndrome" by Muse and work on your zombie skull bashing skillz because Dekx and MOTHy ain't got no time for pussies or despots. IT'S ROBOT TIME, BABY!!! BRING ON THE FUCKIN' ZOMBIES!!!!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Fucking Cold Play

As promised, it's time to blame something on MOTHbot! Hooray!! Now I'm just going to say up front that this isn't actually his fault, but I'm blaming him for it anyway; Fucking Cold Play.

There are lots of bands out there that are or were very popular whose music I did not enjoy at all but could appreciate their skill and appeal. The Dave Matthews Band is a fine example. They're talented and not at all offensive. I don't LIKE them, but they're just kind of there and don't pique my ire in the least.

But Fucking Cold Play...they just produce this super-homogeneous, ueberemo, lilting bullshit. It all sounds forced and contrived, it's all boring, and it all sounds the same. I seriously am completely unable to tell one song from the next and I have for at least a year now said that they only have one album that just keeps coming out with new installments. Now I can typically handle bad. If it's just the right kind of bad it can be good. But what I cannot handle is bad becoming popular or successful. Eddie Murphie is a great instance in which a terrible, untalented, unfunny hack somehow manages to get funding and viewers for movie after unbearably bad movie. If he just ran around being awful and nobody really took notice except to say, "Shit on toast, that's a whole mess of Weak Sauce sin Jalapenos," I wouldn't want to gut him like a fish. Likewise, Fucking Cold Play's insidious ability to somehow trick smart, right-thinking people with some semblance of taste into purchasing their music just makes me want to puke.

So as MOTHbot and I were eating tasty Port a' Subs sammiches and I go off on my 17th diatribe about Fucking Cold Play (as seen above) MOTHbot gets this kind of relaxed, semi-Buddha look on his face and says, "Eh, they're not that bad." And just like that, Fucking Cold Play was Fucking MOTHbot's fault. It was like his lack of contempt somehow sent a ripple backwards in time and caused Fucking Cold Play to come into existence, suck massive assholes, become incredibly popular, and hence cause me to hate them. Now if there's one thing I hate more than Fucking Cold Play it's when people other than me send ripples backwards in time. ESPECIALLY if it's to create something as awful as Fucking Cold Play.

So I redoubled my efforts to will Fucking Cold Play out of existence via the power of The Impotent Rant but to no avail! Fucking Cold Play is still around and they're still producing terrible music. Or maybe they're just re-releasing their one album all over again, I honestly can't tell.

FUCK YOU MOTHbot!! Fucking Cold Play is your fault because you don't hate them! This is on your own conscience, dude. You brought this on yourself:

I no longer hate Offspring. Oh yeah, I said it. Have fun with that shit, beeeeeitch!!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Quicky Now, Longy Later

Ok, I have something that I'm going to fully blame MOTHbot for in a longer post but for now consider this:

I just belched and it tasted JUST like ham. However, I haven't eaten ham in roughtly 6 days. I can't decide if that's awesome or not. This is the kind of thing they should be adressing in 400-level Philosophy and Psychology classes at UC Berkely. The Ham-Dekx Conundrum will baffle minds for decades to come! But eventually it'll become some kind of scale. I dunno for what, though. "He appears to have the perfect human psyche; Raised by Atheist Libertarian Ninja Skeptic Scientists, and look at his Ham-Dekx Rating! It's off the chart!!"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Trading Up?

Humon Girlfriend Unit: CV2000 has sent this article on to me.
Now, the article states that the target market will be "lonely adult men". I happen to want one of these even though I have a humon girlfriend unit. I know they'll be jealous of each other. One of them will always be feeling like I spend too much time and have more fun with the other. They'll make sharp comments about each others' hair even though they both have cute hair cuts. I may accidentally slip and call one by the others name, but they'll just have to get used to it. Hell, my humon girlfriend unit confuses me and her dogs all the time!
The main difference that I see, besides the singing dancing and handing out business cards, is the automatic kissing. Robo girlfriend can detect my approach and prepare to give me a sweet smooch. That's right humon Girlfriend Unit CV2000, No more denying me kisses because my breath smells like ass, or because I've been ignoring you for days while working on perfecting my anti-zombie creams and lotions. Robo girlfriend will kiss me whenever I want her too.
And Robo girlfriend, quit puckering up whenever my cats walk by. I'm just not into that.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Ugly Betty is the Greatest Show EVER!!!!!

Before you get the torches and pitchforks, at least allow me to explain.
I was over at Girlfriend Central for snuggles and kisses last night and she was watching the season finale. I've seen one or two other episodes, and the show is always pretty funny, just not something I'd watch regularly. But this episode, this... masterpiece of TV...
Well, one of the storylines is about Betty's boss and how some little French kid shows up at the office and claims to be his son. While they get to know each other, Daniel (the boss) asks the kid if he likes movies. The kid says, in his soon to be adorable French accent, "I like zee Jonny Depp, Zee Matrix, ahnd, zee Tranzformers. Shia Labouf... Not goood, but Megan Fox... Haut!"
That's right, some little French bastard on Ugly Betty just dick punched Shia Labouf on a popular show that I'm sure 70 Billion people watch! This is the beginning. Soon, the whole world will hate the LaBouf as much as I do. Soon, the backlash will drive him running to drugs and booze and indiscriminate sex with loose women, men and animals and eventually his ingloriuos death at the hands of a transvestite hooker and a toothless badger high on crystal meth that whack him for rent money. I hope the badger makes balloon animals out of LaBouf's entrails. Soon, I will not fear going to the theatre only to find a movie ruined by "that spunky kid who won't shut UP!".
Has anyone seen the new Indiana Jones? Me neither.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Gestaltbot 9.0, Mothafuckaaaaas!!!

GREAT fucking news on the Gestaltbot Saga: I'm adding the corvettes stingray from the badass, one-season wonder, Stingray. Peep the strategy. I know what you're thinking and no, Stingray will not replace Nighthawk as the right arm. Instead, Stingray will turn INTO A STINGRAY and become the chest piece from which all the additional guns and lasers will rain death on this little bitch, MOTHbot and his pussy brigade. Recognize.

Forum? Or Against 'em?

While I'm stuck here on Earth, maintaining the Nation State Church of Chakakahinstan Incorporated, Dekx is on Planet Baracus getting things set up. Every once in a while Dekx will e-mail me about some Troll on the World of Warcraft forums. Usually Dekx will just e-mail me the newest brilliance from Mcstabberson and we'll have a good laugh. But I can't really stand reading actual forums or discussion threads, so I like just reading the one quote I need and not all the petty, juvenile dribble leading up to and following it.

Dekx: Check this out. It's got some great Mcstabbersons in it.*

*(Not and actual quote. Just getting the convo started)

MOTH: Next time, just send me the quote. I hate reading forums, and now that I see that this is where you spend the small percent of your life that you're not playing WOW, I'm even more ashamed to know you. Stupid forums.

Dekx: I’m not even going to faux Mcstab you. I’m just going to sit here and hate your limpwristed guts.

MOTH: I'm just saying... No, you're right. Go ahead with your hate. The McStabbins are way more funny to me when I don't have to read the rest of the forums. There's something pointless feeling about forums. They just feel so, futile, shallow and... whats another good word for pointless and futile? Or another word for "Wasted Life"?

Dekx: You’re a real bitch in the mornings.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Good news for Zombies who love good news

Just so the undead don't feel left out...
I worry that there's mis-information here, but haven't read every article yet. The site makes a good supplement to World War Z and the Zombie Survival Guide.

More good news for Robots who love good news

We here at RLZ are still busy setting up things on our new home, Planet Baracus. But our agents, minions, henchmen, lackeys and attaches have been scouring the internets for Robot and Zombie news. The first comes from "Agent Girlfriend" who notified me of a new exhibit that everyone should see. I'm a big fan of Carnegie Melon's Robot Hall of Fame and have spent a lot of time reading about the inductees.
Another agent of ours sent in reports that the San Jose Museum of Art is having a wonderful exhibit of robots in art. I took one look at the list of artists in the show and decided I have to make a field trip to see it. It's on until October, so you have no excuses.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Move to Japan for the Robots

While we here in the Nation/Church/Republic of Chakakahnistan, Inc. await approval for our takeover of the planet Baracus, I'm contemplating a move for robots. Now, I could move to Japan where the robot uprising is guaranteed to begin, or I could just find a way to harness technology to move Japan here. You see, I'm too lazy to pack up my cats and head off to some island that regularly gets destroyed by gigantico lizerds. So, I need a way to teleport the entire island nation to here in the American West. It may be tough for them to adjust to the desert after so many years surrounded by water, but the robots will help them through it and Godzilla will have to attack Hong Kong instead.
So, if anyone has a lead on a massive teleporter, let me know. I've checked e-bay and craig's list, but only found one person teleporters and dubious time machines that are made of things that aren't Delorians.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Gogol Bordello Update

Gogol Bordello are my new heroes. I was worried that no one in Reno would show up, and the band would leave without playing a single song when they saw an anemic turnout. I was wrong. Just about every hippie, jock, hipster, freak and wanna-be freak in town showed up. The place was just packed! We skipped most of the opening band, Skindred. They reminded me of early Faith No More but with Reggae and that scary growly yelling that I don't really like.
Gogol came out and rocked the place. It made me want to punch dance but I'm too polite for that. They have an Aztec Hype Man who gives the crowd that crazy intense South American stare like he's gonna eat your heart raw while he gets the crowd jumping. I think the Aztec Hype Man may be one of the greatest inventions ever. I dare say he could kick Flava Flave's ass pretty easily unless Chuck D and Terminator X showed up to save Flava with some magic giant clock. Otherwise, Aztec Hype Man whips out his stone dagger and tosses Flava's steaming entrails up to the gaping maws of Qxetzlqoatl and Xochimlxkcho.
The crowd was already pretty tired by the time Gogol Bordello took their first little break and then they came back and rocked out for another 20 minutes! They played an extended rock-out version of Undestructable that was just incredible and I got to shake the Professor's hand (violin) and touch Eugene Hutz's shoulder. I didn't get to keep either of the dancers/back-up singers. I hear one of them is dating Elija Wood and all. That's OK. I'll wait. I got time...

Oh, Yeah. The show rocked. I still haven't washed the hand that touched Eugen Hutz and the other two hands are jealous.
And I got a Gogol Bordello t-shirt.


Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Arthur C. Clarke

I've tried starting this post 4 different times. I want to say something clever about robots and AI computers, but it's all gonna seem so trite at the moment. I watch 2001 like fundamentalists read the bible. I watched a lot of his science shows, most of them on underwater exploration and not outer space.
Anyway, Arthur C. Clarke passed away today at the age of 90. Since I'm not good with time and dates, it's really messing me up that news reports said he died on the 19th. Because of the time difference between here and Sri Lanka, my first thought was that Clarke was so fucking awesome he got to die in the future.
There's so much more I feel like I should say, but I'd rather just go home and watch 2001.


Friday, March 14, 2008

For God's Sake, Hurry UP!

I love Engadget for these little stories. Watching the humons speculate about all the ways the robots will bring about their glorious and long overdue extinction. As much as I love the idea of Optimus Prime putting his life on the line for any sentient being, I hope he'd have the courtesy to let his transforming swarm-bot brethren have their way with you stupid monkeys. By the way, I'm sure the robots won't hurt real monkeys, just the humon kind.

In non-robotic news, everyone should get some Gogol Bordello right now and love the Gypsy-Punk-Cabaret. I'm seeing these guys tonight, and the next time you see me, I may be bruised and battered and babbling in sounds like Ukrainian.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

Good News: Bad News 1

I pooped for the first time in about 32 hours just around 1:00 pm this afternoon. It smelled like burning electronics. SO!

The Good News: It would seem that I am actually a robot.

The Bad News: It would seem that I'm approaching the four year anniversary of my creation.

End of Line

Thursday, February 28, 2008

More Zombie Music Videos

In my ongoing search for cool robot and zombie videos...

I dig the Aesop Rock. I have tow of his albums,"None Shall Pass" and "Bazooka Tooth". Never really checked out his videos though. So it's awesome to find an artist I like making videos with zombies.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

This Robot is Exactly Sick.

I am... sick still. Sitting here in the dark, coughing and listening to one of my neighbors coughing away the night. It's been a week. I'm on the mend, but still unable to sleep. I got sick over a holiday weekend, so I didn't even bother seeing a doctor until now. My doctor's office was standing room only and there was a two hour (at least?) wait for stupid people like me who decided to walk in without an appointment. I nodded toward the throng of sick and dying and headed to a nearby urgent care. I still had to wait an hour and a half, but there were only 8 or 9 people there, and the receptionist was handing sanitary masks out which I totally wanted to wear because I think it makes me look like the guy that used to play keyboards for Prince. Anyway, I'm on the mend and the doctor lady wanted to give me something to put me over the edge. Codeine.
I've heard many people sing the praises of Codeine and Vicadin, but I've never really had much luck with the opiates. When I broke my elbow skateboarding, I took two vicadin and had to get some Advil to actually do anything for me. 
Well, it's the same thing all over again. Apparently, because I'm a robot, I lack an enzyme that is crucial to activating most opiates, so the codeine is having no affect on me. I even went and took another tiny sip just to be sure I took more than the label stated. No affect what-so-ever! I'm still awake, still coughing, still miserable, and wondering when it will end. I might as well be drinking water. 
I wonder if this means I can totally smoke opium and not even get high? I could totally sit around for weeks in some grubby old-world chinatown, honking off some hooka like a goddam pro, just get up and shout, "This fucking dragon is taking me NOWHERE!!"
Instead of giving me my money back, I'd make them teach me kung fu. "Wong! Get me some fucking tea up in here! It's gonna be another long fucking night!"


Monday, January 28, 2008

When Mediocre Robots go Bad

I am sick today. I think I caught some bug from my girlfriend, or maybe at Dekx & Cos. weekend fiesta. We stayed up most of the night playing Halo and swearing at each other and ate an entire third world nation's worth of junk food. This can make a system... unstable. To top it off, I had to drive girlfriend to the airport, in snow, turn around and pick her up due to long delays, and stay on stand-by for a while in case the flight got back on track and we had to scramble back to catch a plane. Luckily, the flight got canceled and girlfriend got a morning flight to Vegas with little trouble.
But here's the fun part; Not only am I driving around in snow at all hours on little sleep with my entire being polluted with late night cake pizza and soda, my phone alarm starts and won't stop. A day later, if I power up my phone, my annoying alarm tune fires up and won't stop for anything except incoming calls. I can't make outgoing. I have to hit the "dismiss" button and very quickly hit the menu button during the brief pause and try to look through menus while my phone blares at me. I managed to erase the appointment in the calendar to see if that would kill it, but it just comes up with no alarm description and bleats away at me. I looked online for help, but my menus don't show a reset option where everyone else says it should, so I have to go to the store. Have you ever gone to your cellphone carriers' store? I hate mine. It's like a mini DMV - post office. All the people there are schlubby and slow and obviously hate their job. So, my little pocket robot stays off so I don't have to listen to him cry and cry and cry, but dragging my sick tired ass across town in snow makes me cry and cry and cry.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Monkey-Bot! Cyper Poo-Fling Attack!!!!

More great news from across the sea. The wonderful mad scientists of Japan have a robot that's linked to a monkey brain. While Robots and Zombies consume most of my brain space, many of you also know that Superman and Primates take up the rest. In my cube here at work I have the Superman-Robot action figure with Beppo the Super Chimp. One of the many points I often make about why I like DC a bit more than Marvel is that DC has way more Apes. BUt Marvel does have the Zombies market pretty much cornered, so that's a big point for them. Anyway, back to the Japanese. You can read here about their monkey controlled bot.
And you can read the Wikis about Beppo and Superman Robots here.