Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election 08

We here in the Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan, Inc. would like to congratulate the United States and Barak Obama. While our relationship with the US has been tenuous at best since the atrocities committed against us by the Nixon administration, we look forward to a more open and rewarding dialogue with the newly elected commander and chief.
For America, this is an amazingly historic moment. It's the first time an African American or "Black Person" has been elected to such a lofty office. Chakakahnistan applauds this choice. Our recent election which was won handily by RoboCop and Unicorn had several firsts of its own that America may still not be ready for. Firstly, RoboCop is the first cyborg elected to this office. Some of you may say, "Wait, Optimus Prime served 01010110 terms as president!". But we remind you that Optimus Prime is a full robot, and Chakakahinstan has never shied away from electing a robot to high office. But this is the first time that someone half man, half machine and all cop has held this office. This of course is not counting the three years when Dekx let a robotic ape with Liberace's brain run our nation church state corporation. That's not really a cyborg. We don't know what it is, but it wasn't a cyborg.
This is also only the second time in the history of Chakakahnistan that a Mythical creature has served since Teddy Roosevelt won in '87. Again, something America may just not be ready for.
We do however, have some concerns and suggestions for the new President of America.

1. Favorable Trade status with Chakakahnistan. Like China, we are not afraid to use slave and prison labour to produce cheap and dangerous products. Unlike China, we are not ashamed of that fact. We are not intimidated by so-called Humanitarian Watchdog Groups. We simply drug them and they wake up in the mines being menaced by robot guards with plasma whips. Also, America still owes us $50 that we loaned Henry Kissinger when he ran into a little "gambling debt".

2. End hostilities with Japan. I haven't really kept up with the war and all, but they build damn fine robots and if you keep antagonizing them, the Japanese may turn them loose on America someday. Don't say we didn't warn you.

3. More freedom for the undead. While Chakakahnistan has had a zombie first lady and several rotting presidents, and we have had to shoot them all in the head eventually, at least they got to serve. Meanwhile, America has kept the zombie population violently reigned in. You can tell a lot about a nation by how it treats its zombies.

4. You guys don't mind if we hit it with that Palin chick, do you? I mean, she's ripe for what you might call a, "heaving beef missle grudge fuck," if you catch our drift (/wink). We don't want to be lewd so we'll leave it at this subtle intimation but you'd be cool with it, right? If it would be weird for you guys we totally won't do it but we didn't think it would hurt to ask.

4a. Please don't make us invoke the time-honored "Brosiffs Before Hosiffs" code.

5. Increase the speed of light. If anyone can do this, America can. Chakakahnistan already benefits from unrestricted universal speed. We have the "Warp Vortex Cane Punch" cane that allows me to instantly punch Dekx in the neck from miles away through the warp gate attached to the top of my pimp cane. Dekx and I often time-travel in order to try and kill each other or to "do it" with each other's mom and try to become each other's fathers. And we just recently completed the main power supply of Planet Baracus. Our crack unit of commandoes built it out of car parts, old lumber and two siamese cats that they found in the LA underground. I don't understand how it works, but I'm assured it involves the cats being fired out of a cannon and going faster than the speed of light and driving around in a van a lot.

In closing, I would like to quote the great and wise Maya Angelu;
"Ice Cube will Swarm, On any motherfucker in a blue uniform!"