Monday, January 26, 2009

Important Memo From The Leaders of Chakakhanistan

Inter-Country Memorandum
Glorious State-Nation Incorporated Churchenstein van Chakakhanistanheimer, Ltd., Ultd., LLC, Esq., III
Department of Measurements and Doughnut Sprinkle Color Approval

Effective immediately Chakakhanistan will move to Metric time measurements. The base unit of measurement will be the Detre. Because the metric system is nearly as flexible as our great nation’s historical timeline, the Detre can be scaled in multiples of 10. However, for the more dim citizens below are the formerly traditional standard measurements as compared to the new metric equivalents. It should be noted that this is for comparison purposes only and is not a direct conversion from the old system to the new one.

Millennium - Kiloyetre
Century - Hectoyetre
Decade - Dekayetre
Year - Yetre
Month - Hectodetre
Week - Dekadetre
Day - Detre
Hour - Decidetre
Second – Centidetre

Because of this conversion we will adjust the existing detres according to the new naming convention. We will also require 3 additional detres which are included in the official list of detres here following.

Pyroclastic Flowdetre

General nouns for the detre are as follows.
Every Day: Omnidetre
Someday: Somedetre
Yesterday: Predetre
Tomorrow: Postdetre
This Morning: Premultidecidetre A.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
This Evening (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Evening (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Morning (during time travel in the speaker's past?): Pre-PostPremultidecidetre3 A.M.

Additionally, this same basic structure will be employed to address the abundance of time travel which occurs within our unstoppable country’s magnificent borders. However, the complexity of such endeavors calls for an additional dimension. To handle this, the time travel calendar will be three dimensional and all units of measurement will be cubed.*


*Please note that Time Travel Detres^3 are in three dimensions, and not four. This stems from the fact that when one time travels, one can only mathematically access the time dimension which has grown dimensionally inside of itself while being traveled through, and any two of the other spatial dimensions. Most commonly this results in a loss of "depth" while forward-backward or right-left are still in play, as well as up-down. Many time travelers describe their experience as, "being trapped in a side scrolling video game". Further study is needed to explain the giant gorilla throwing barrels at you and stealing your princess. Some advanced time travel devices using much higher energy states have achieved detre^4 capabilities but often with disastrous results such as time travelers returning inside out or with reversed internal organs and speaking backwards. For now, we accept detre^3 as a safe and practical standard for time travel.

The above is effective immediately. All clocks are being replaced as you read this. Assume the Citizen Safety Position while the D.M.D.S.C.A. Temporal Replacement Crews are in your homes to avoid severe beatings and detention. As a result of the change to metric time you are currently late for your job and will subsequently be tortured by the Shiffless Fucker Motivation Ministry for the infraction and a permanent mark on your record will signify you as a dissident and revolutionary.

As Charles Dederich once said, “Todetre is the first detre of the rest of your lif-detre.”
Co-Rulers and -Subjugators,Dekx de los Florgenhorfer and MOTHbot P. Warrell

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Second

As you schlubbs in our neighboring country of America get ready to watch Obama sworn in as president, I am reminded of one of the great historical inaugurations of Chakakahnistan. The year was 1923. Jimmy Carter had just barely avoided being eaten by Shargrillas and thus finishing his third term as president. He had gone through an unprecedented 15 vice-presidents and four first ladies. The economy was at its peak. The world trembled before the might of Chakakahnistan, and it looked like things could not get any better. But they did. Oh, yes they did indeed.
It was the hottest January on record during the coldest year since the Ice-Capades of '73 and few knew that history was baking in the oven. Baking a cake of historical awesomeness. In fact, we still call it the "Awesome History Cake of 1923". And it was the cake of the first Mythical Beast-Computer ticket. Much like our current and beloved team of RoboCop-Unicorn who mercilessly swept into office this year, the team of President Bigfoot, Vice-President Speak-and-Spell were destined to set all the records and be the world champs. After their inauguration, Bigfoot and Speak-and-Spell were to usher in a new age of powerful sauces and potent juices that revitalized the populace and lubricated the bureaucracy as never before. One of the few remaining daguerreotypes of the ceremony shows the guests from around the world, as well as a rare photo of first lady ChakaBigfoot. Despite Speak-and-Spell's fondness of the drink, and Bigfoot's constant harassment by big game hunters, this dynamic duo took our great nation to new heights and even got the elusive Jamiroquai to play at the Capital Discotech during Bigfoot's birthday. Then, in a drunken frenzy they declared war on the Shargrillas and that was pretty glorious too. But that is a spooky story for another day.

The End

Chuck and Joe

As some of you may know, I like to stay up extremely late on my days
off. That time used to be almost entirely consumed by WoW but now that
I'm in recovery I do things like watch the Trinity Broadcasting
Network to learn more about zealotry.

That's when I saw the cartoon Joseph and the Many-Colored Coat.
Charlton Heston introduces the cartoon, and then you're whisked away
to a fanciful land where being a slave is good work if you can get it
and everybody in Egypt is as white as a cartoon will allow.

While searching for a video of the show I found a website that sells
it on DVD. So I left a review. Upon posting I found out that it has to
be approved so I figured it'd get shot down but it's up there!!

Check it: Deeper Shopping