Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Questionnaire Extraordinaire!

I couldn't find if I ever posted this, but here's me filling out what is supposedly a Scientology quiz.
All answers seem to be even truer now than they were back in 2008.

• Have you ever enslaved a population?
 Yes. Right now I am lord and Master of the entire population of the Holy,
 free-roaming, city-nation-state-corporation of Chakakahnistan. If I can see
 you or hear you, or think about you hard enough, you are my slave. I also
 have two cats.
• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
 Yes. Right now the Chakakahnistan Drachmah is way more valuable than the US
 Dollar because I caused China. One of the few things not made in China, is
 China. Cuz I made it here in America and sent it to China.

• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
 Yes. But, like many of my choices in life, I make it right by force of will.
 So if I kill someone, there is bound to be someone somewhere who wanted them
 dead for reasons of vengance or money owed. I think more people should thank

• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Yes. Edward-Two-Tongues. He was choking on the extra tongue and needed it
removed STAT!.

• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Yes. Here's an excerpt from the Chakakahnistan's weekly news magazine, The
Weekly Chaka:"This quiz sucks. Scientology Sucks. Hubbard's old sci-fi novels are second
rate at best."
I gots paid for that.

• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. I had roaches once. I was chasing a big fat momma with her egg sack.
When she died, the egg pod popped off and all these little white roachey
babies were squirming around on the floor. I sprayed them too.

• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes. Didn't really have to try. It's pretty much overrated as it is. A few
doctored photos of Sanity in the arms of another man, and Sanity's good
name was all but obliterated.

• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Yes. I like to hump my printer.

• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Yes. Both. I invented uranium.

• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Yes. I fucked L-Ron Hubbards dead ass once, and I regularly fuck zombies.

• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yes. According to the RIAA I've stolen too many songs off the internet.

• Have you ever been a pimp?
Yes. Hell Yes.

• Have you ever eaten a human body?
Yes. Wait. The whole thing? I didn't finish it because I'd just got done
eating a koala bear

• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Yes. I stabbed your momma's eyes out with my dick. She still looks alright I guess.

• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes. I need the practice for when I wipe out humanity with Robots and Zombies.

• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Yes. It's the title on my card. I also perform back-alley abortions for a small fee.

• Have you given robots a bad name?
HELL NO! I love robots and would never do anything to hurt them.

• Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes. Caught 5 boobies in it. Somewhere out there, there's some hot chick
with only one booby.

• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Yes. Only because he said he needed to think our relationship over. He said
'it wasn't me, it was him' and all that shit, but that was enough for me to
leave him to the cold dead embrace of outer space.

• Have you driven anyone insane?
Yes. Yes we have.

• Is anybody looking for you?
Yes. Your momma is. She wants me up in her again tonight.

• Have you ever set a poor example?
Yes. Children should not listen to me unless I'm teaching them ways of
getting away with a crime.

• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Yes. Hell Yes. Several evil purposes.

• Are you in hiding?
Yes. Hiding in Reno.

• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Yes. Now go to city hall and find a package in the tank of the third stall
in the ladyies room. It will reveal something new about Jesus.

• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes. If by practice, you mean career or habit, then yes.

• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes. I think therefore I shall think some more.

• Have you ever gone crazy?
Yes. 32 time today and counting. Going there isn't the problem. I'm looking
for a way to stay.

• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Yes. For insurance purposes.

• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Yes. I just sold all of Josh's fambly into white slavery. Even the ones he likes.

• Have you ever smothered a baby?
Yes. Once with lava, and another time with pure hate.

• Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yes. Someone has to keep these pig fuckers in line and put them down when
they get out of hand.

• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Yes. Verbally. I was calling a guy some bad names and his balls just dropped off. Now he can't have babies.

• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Yes. By robots.

• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Yes. This one.

• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?

• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Yes. There's always someone you can talk into putting a 9-volt on their 

• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Yes and Yes. Brazilian porn Baby! No Condoms!!! Wooooooooo!!!!!