I now pronounce you Man and Robot...

Corporate P – Friend of Mothy and Dekx sent us this little article. It made me clap and squeal with glee and joy so I brought it over here.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21271545/

I'm really looking forward to when the robot I marry decides she don't love me no more, or catches me fucking a cell phone and takes half of everything I own in a messy divorce. But she can have the fucking kids, I'm keeping the Aibo!
The thing with robot sex is that I'm not really into the creepy robot wrapped in a silicone skin to look like a human style. If I want to make the sexy with a human, I'll go make sexy with a human. I want to hump something that looks like the Bjork-bots in the "All is Full of Love" music video. Why?
1. Silicone skin only lasts about a year. It stains easily and starts to melt at the joints and other areas that generate heat. And silicone skin would be expensive as hell to replace every year.
2. I want a sexy robot! I want to be banging against her slutty plastic and titanium parts. I don't mind if "certain areas" are made of something a little more... pliable. But mostly, I want people to know that I am fucking a robot and not just boning someone recovering from third degree burns and a terrible collagen mishap.

There are exceptions. I did find a picture of a naked chick with one of those Optimus Prime helmets on. That was really hot! So I might go for some cyborg action but you gotta see some metal to hot up a true robophile!MOTHbot

Toys!

I've really been wanting some sort of robot that can noodle around in my cube, protect it from vandals, thieves or Dekx - Remind me of appointments (since it's in constant wireless contact with my compy) and be my little robo friend. Maybe an Aibo, but I would prefer something a little more fierce looking. Something with guns or pincers. Oh wait, what's this?
http://www.engadget.com/2007/10/12/new-tachikoma-spider-robot-on-the-loose/
Hey! That looks pretty neat, and it's from Appleseed. I'd be down with that. Now if I can only train it to recognize and kill Dekx when he comes down to my cube to bug me for lunch.
Also, here's some robot fun for you meat-sacks to appreciate on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPdP1jBfxzo


Moth

Ask RLZ: Issue #1

A lot of you have been emailing us at robotloveszombie at gmail dot com and asking excellent questions. Rightfully, you have been looking to MOTHy and I for guidance and advice and by fuck, we're gonna' give it to ya'!

Our first question comes from Dillard McGuillicutty, in Langford, CN. He writes,

"Dear Robot Loves Zombie,

The last few times I have been out to the bar, I have met strangers who seemed nice enough, but eventually drugged me and stole something from me. Twice it was my wallet and this last time was my bunghole virginity. How can I know who to trust in this crazy world?

Tired of getting my stuff stolen and my shit pushed,
Dillard"

Well, Dillard, that is an excellent question and a sad story! Now a lot of advice columnists would suggest that you stay away from bars and strangers but we know that's not an option for a soak such as yourself. We have some tough news, though: You can never know if a person is trustworthy. The good news is that there ARE some signs that a person is not to be trusted. If the answer to any of the following questions is, "yes", you'll know your kiester and/or your bankroll is in jeopardy.

-Does the person keep his/her change in a coin purse?

-Does this person regularly use big words incorrectly?

-Does the person own a portable CD player?

-Did the person make a live-action Transformers movie with way too many humans, not enough robots, and unnecessary, irritating characters that should be burned at the stake for their part in sullying one of the most precious Nerd Icons of all time and space? You hear me, Bay?! We're fucking coming for you, mother fucker! You fucked with the wrong nerds! It's go time, baby! And when Transformers 2: The Awesoming comes out, you'll see how Optimus Prime and his crew really roll! Bitch.

-Does the person comb all of his hair towards the front of his head?

-Does the person put only his thumbs in his pockets?

-Does the person sing along to songs they don't actually know the words to?

-Has the person ever won a game of Bingo?

If you answered "yes" or "maybe" to any of these then do not trust this person! It's best if you thump them in the head with a blunt object and run away quickly. Unless it's fucking Michael Bay. Then you beat his ass like he stole your childhood which lead you to a terrible life of crime and circle of violence, resulting in your arrest and subsequent stay in prison where you did 3 with good behavior but came out self-educated and built like a brick shit house, but now you're out for vengeance and you have just fucked up an army of his henchmen and saved the whore with a heart of gold, which was the only woman that ever treated you right in your whole life.

Hope this helps!

Dekx and MOTHbot

P.S. If any of you other readers have any quandries you need help with email us at robotloveszombie at gmail dot com.

Hip to the Hop 2.0

Somewhere in the mid 80's, Shawn Brown decided to parody rap music, or John Wayne - maybe both with his novelty song Rapping Duke. I wouldn't wish this song on most of my enemies, except maybe for Dekx. It consists of a lame John Wayne impersonation, tame lyrics and a super annoying hook.
Da haahh, da haahh
Da ha-hahh ha-hahh haahh
Da haahh, da haahh
Da ha-hahh ha-hahh haahh
I'll just link to a youtube video so you guys can hear it for yourself instead of trying to make sense of my typed out crap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bAOnzIu70k
I'm listening to XM The Rhyme on my way home from work, suffer through Rapping Duke and two songs later my man Biggie says,

Remember Rappin' Duke, duh-ha, duh-ha
You never thought that hip hop would take it this far

I'd be all for Biggie refrencing Rapping Duke if he was talking about how he was gonna put some lead in Shawn Brown's ass, but no; it's just mentioned there, right after rattling off great rappers of the 80's that inspired him. Why? Why does the Rapping Duke exist and why isn't someone making Shawn Brown pay for this sin?
I may just hate the Rapping Duke.

Titanic Gigantic Idiot

I've tried to make it clear how much I hate Dekx and how stupid he is some times. He really shines when it comes to wanting a team of Transformers designs based on TV Celebrity Cars. My team is all cool cars with style and instant recognizability. Dekx on the other hand blurts out only the biggest and stupidest things he's seen on TV. So, while his robots will be mammoth and combine to form a gestalt robot that will be mammoth times mammoth plus mammoth times two. So, It'll be pretty big. I estimate about 120 feet tall. My gestalt Celebrity Car robot will be lucky if it clears 45 feet. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, one of the most aggravating parts of Dekx's sillyness is the not the inclusion of the TV motorcycle "Street Hawk" on a team that includes two tractor trailors and a helicopter (Air Wolf), but his insistence of having "Titanic" the RV from Trapper John, MD. I can find no pictures of the RV to work from except a tiny JPEG Dekx sent me. "I remember it looking like this." he says. I squinted at the three quarter inch by half inch picture for a few minutes, cursed Dekx and his family for a thousand generations and set to work on illustrating what is quite possibly the stupidest and most humiliated Transformer to ever exist. I've inked up the beast but have no reliable guide for coloring this picture. Perhaps this is for the best, as I'm sure Titanic would be humiliated for everyone to see him change from an awesome warrior robot to a shitty 78 Winnebego or some such crap. So, here's the inked up picture of Titanic. I'll try to find the tiny RV picture Dekx sent me. In the mean time if anyone has a good screen shot of this elusive RV, please contact me and remember; Dekx is an idiot.

Hooray for Tuesday!

28 Weeks Later comes out on Tuesday. That means that by Wednesday morning I'm going to be a stressed out wreck of a man who stayed up all night watching zombie movies! Being very poor lately, I haven't bought any movies in a while (except Hot Fuzz), but 28 Weeks is a MUST.

MOTHbot <3 Zombies

Hip to the Hop

While Dekx has been on the rap scene for ages, I'm coming to it late after a decade long hiatus. I'm a little bit older than Dekx (not counting any time travel or pocket universe action to keep it simple, otherwise Dekx is about ten thousand years older than all of us an yet has been born yet in this timeline. It's complicated to say the least.) but after about '87, I pretty much stopped listening to rap music except for what few tracks got radio play. About 5 years ago, I found myself listening to more and more hip-hop. Mostly Jay-Z, Dr. Dre and Outkast. Now I'm almost always on a rap-geek binge thanks to XM radio. Me and Dekx rock "The Rhyme" to bang some of that old school flavah. The thing about "The Rhyme" that I love is that it mostly plays 80s to early 90s rap. So, one minute it's Dre and Snoop, and then it's Run D. MC or the Fat Boys.

My gem for the morning while driving to work: Protect Yourself/My Nuts by the Fat Boys. Protect Yourself was the FB's public service message about wearing condoms so you don't get AIDS. Message raps are always awkward and stilted, almost uncomfortable to listen to. 20 plus years passing doesn't help at all. It sounded like a rap your 50 year old-white-burnt out hippie lady Health Class teacher would dress up in a "hip-hop" costume and bust out in class to "teach" you about STD's. Just trying and picture one of your old teachers rocking back with her arms crossed, trying to look hip, "Weeerrrrrrd!"

My Nuts is probably the real gem here; one of those funny songs where they rap about their nuts and you think they're talking about testicles. But if you listen all the way to the end, you'll find out that they are talking about each other. So very clever! You can look for it on their 1987 album Crushin'.