How I Got Here

Once, some wild, eight foot tall maniac grabbed my neck, slammed the back of my favorite head against a bar room wall and looked me crooked in the eye and he asked if I'd paid my dues. I looked right back into his eyes and said,

"When I was nine I wore aviator sunglasses and a headband with a fearsome Chinese dragon on it for a week straight. In the sixth grade I started wearing suspenders and a chain with a silver dollar on it like some prepubescent 70's wannabe. When I was thirteen I finally stopped sleeping with my blanky. In the eighth grade I nearly dislocated my right knee doing the half-splits at one of Mandan Junior Highs legendary dances. The summer before my freshman year of high school I started wearing a small, plush, stuffed puppy dog as a necklace. In the 9th grade I finally got a spike hairdo a year after they were popular. The summer before my junior year of high school I was Death in a medley of plays as performed by a traveling children's troop. It was in the 11th grade that I acquired the gift of being able to talk to girls I found attractive without crying nor making them cry. It was the eleventh grade when three different girls asked me to go to the winter formal and I declined. I received my first blow job in the twelfth grade. Which was almost cool except I shot it right away. As an adult I have vomited on myself on numerous occasions in drunken stupors, I still think Tr0n is a fucking RAD movie, I have a tattoo of Bert and Ernie on my flabby, pasty-white bicep and for some reason I feel the urge, nay, the compulsion to tell you about all of this."

"Have you paid yer dues, Dekx?"
"Yes, Sir. The check is in the mail."

Coming Soon

Over the next few weeks I'll be posting some of spoken word pieces I have written/performed over the yearswhich are fun to read even without my golden pipes bringing them to life. Enjoy

I watch 'em so you don't have to. Unless you really want to.

Some zombie movies for your asses. And most of them bad. I'll let Netflix sum them up and then give you my thoughts.

1. Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!-

When an unorthodox drug experiment conducted by a mad scientist transforms the residents of a small town into flesh-eating zombies, a motley crew of exotic dancers, pimps, hookers and johns are forced to take refuge inside a seedy strip club. Helmed by first-time filmmaker Jason Murphy, this zany, tongue-in-cheek horror-thriller starsFHM model Jessica Barton and Playboy Playmate Hollie Winnard

.A shoddy and cheap zombie movie with playboy playmates who can't even do a good job acting as strippers. The only really good scene is when the pimp starts back-handing zombies. We'll see how it stacks up against Zombie Strippers.

1 Brain out of 5

2. Bio Zombie- Think George Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead with an Asian twist, and you've got a handle on this Japanese cult favorite that pits unwary shopping mall strollers against a horde of ravenous zombies. Woody and Bee -- two clerks who work at the mall -- unwittingly raise an army of ghouls when they slam into a biochemical company employee with their car … and he begins a wholesale infection. Better charge it!

A really silly Chinese (the Netflix description says it's Japanese, but it's not) Zombie movie. It's kinda fun and silly with little flashes of cleverness. The two main guys in this film make a comic duo, and the zombie effects are comically bad. In several scenes you can see that the zombies have gloves on to give them zombie hands. I like Tokyo Zombie much better.

3 Brains out of 5

3. Zombie Wars-

When a small group of rebels learns that zombies have begun breeding humans for consumption, they plan an all-out offensive to rid the planet of the flesh-eating monsters once and for all. After years of waging war against the undead, the population of mankind is reduced to alarming levels, with the dwindling bands of survivors relegated to living on the fringes of civilization, struggling to stay alive -- but not for long.

One of those films shot in someone's backyard. It looks and feels like it was made in the 80's instead of 2006. Terrible Terrible acting and the epitome of low-budget special effects.

1 Brain out of 5 and yet want to secretly give it another couple of Brains if I could somehow get the silhouettes of Joel and the bots along the bottom of the screen.

4. American Zombie-

Part mockumentary, part unabashed gore-fest, American Zombie follows filmmakersGrace Lee and John Solomon -- both playing themselves -- as they infiltrate a Los Angeles zombie community in an effort to document the undead subculture. Finding that the reanimated aren't much different from the rest of us -- save for some patches of rotting flesh -- the moviemakers offer a comical look at their marginalized subjects.

While I liked the idea, and liked some moments in this film, I guess I just didn't like talking zombies trying to fit in with regular people. Very little make-up or gore. I'm on the fence about this film and so we'll call it...

2.5 Brains out of 5

5. Day of the Dead-

Steve Miner (Friday the 13th Part 2) directs this remake of George A. Romero's classic zombie flick Day of the Dead, in which a mysterious disease causes the newly dead to come back to life and threaten the living. Meanwhile, military and scientific experts clash as they try to arrive at a solution. Miner and writer Jeffrey Reddick honor the story and social relevance of the first film but put a fresh spin on this tale of horror and intrigue.

Ugh. Supposed to be a remake, but really just a crap movie capitalizing on the name of the original. It has a few brisk fight scenes that are a little unbelievable even by zombie movie standards and stupid stuff like zombies scampering upside-down from ceilings to attack people. None of the Army people in this film except, Ving Rhames, look like they know anything about the military.

1 Brain out of 5

6. The Crazies-

Saw this one in the theatres. It's pretty much the standard "zombie" film plot with a small town overrun with a virus that makes people crazy and violent. Timothy Oliphant is awesome as the sheriff trying to save his town from Crazies and the US military. I actually jumped a couple of times had long stretches where I was totally stressed out. Again, not really a zombie movie, and I do wish it had a little more gore and maybe a good Crazies Mob attack but I'll still give it...

3.5 out of 5

What's new in... Sports

We here in Chakakahnistan work hard to dominate American sports. You notice how there are lots of Eastern Europeans playing in the NBA now? It's like that, but with me and Dekx taking over your sports. We have been splitting our time between training to power kick with the famous Punting Shao-Lin Mules of Uzbekistan in order to take over kickball, and meditating with a monastery of monks who take a vow of motionlessness instead of silence, so that we can take over the competitive sensory-deprivation-tank-sitting. Once we own those, we'll be setting our sights on going back to 1973 to dominate the lawn dart scene. We've also been working toward total conquest of the sport of Dodgeball. To the left, you can see I've included a picture of some dodgeball modifications I'm saving up for. And I was recently notified that I, your humble MOTHbot, was featured in a photograph on CNN.com. Way back in August.

Yep. That's me in my Thing T-shirt, all charged up and getting ready to drill some holes in some suckass opponents. It's pretty safe to say that I was winning the whole game single handedly. Dekx actually played a season or two, and was quite good for such a tall, awkward monstrosity of a man. So, there you have it. It's just a first step. Maybe next time they'll print my name, or give out some interesting background about the advanced training facilities we use in Chakakahnistan, some tidbits about our political system, or exports, or even our wonderful climate? We'll talk to CNN. In the meantime, keep your eyes open for more news in ... SPORTS!

MOTH

How To Win Every Argument. Ever.

Several of you have been writing in, wondering how it is that I win every single argument I have ever been in. Well, it's a good question because who doesn't want to win every single argument they're ever in? I'm going to outline my two techniques for surefire argument winnage right here on this very blog and it will only cost you $1,000. We'll do it on the honor system so please don't fuck us over, kindly readers, or we'll find you and we'll make you eat a fart sammich. If you pay us via the RLZ Curiosities Shop you will also get several free promotional and motivational t-shirts.

The Dekxnique of winning every argument. Ever.

You have two options to win any given argument and they're equally effective.

1. Yell, "GOOGLE IT!!" at the top of your lungs. Do this repeatedly until the person before you loses his temper and gives up or beats the bejeezus out of you. Either he forfeits the argument and leaves (win for you) or he takes the low road (moral win for you. This can often be turned into a sympathy lay from your opponent's girlfriend as long as you're in an 80s or 90s movie about nerds who finally stand up for themselves.). How does this work? Well, everybody knows that telling your opponent to Google It shows the unshakable strength of your convictions. After all, would you tell somebody to Google something if you didn't already know what Google would say? Of course not.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx The Winner and MOTHbot playing the role of "Douche Number 1".

Douche Number 1: You see, the universe as we know it is finite in size, it's just that it has infinite space within it.

Dekx: That makes the universe infinite.

DN1: Well, it's definitely a complicat-

Dekx: FUCK YOU! GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT AND SEE THAT I'M RIGHT. GOOGLE IT!!

DN1: It's elemental cosmology, really. If you read Hawking's A Brief History of -

Dekx: FUCKING GOOGLE IT! FUCKING GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT, DUMBASS. GOOGLE IT!

DN1: Alright, obviously you don't want to have a real conversation abo-

Dekx: GOOGLE IT, SHITSTICK!! GOOGLE IT AND YOU'LL SEE YOU'RE A COCKASSTITTY!! GOOGLE IT!!

Aaaaand Scene.

See how easy that was? I effectively shut him down and ended up being right despite the fact that he had prevailing scientific theory on his side.

2. Tell people that they shoulda' thought of that sooner.

Well let's face it, they shoulda' thought of that. Whatever it is. Hell, maybe they didn't even think of it at all. And if that's the case, that's what they shoulda' thought of. As with, "GOOGLE IT," the more you repeat, "Maybe you shoulda' thought of that," the more powerful your argument will be. Using this technique I have both literally and figuratively been slapped in the mouth. In both cases I won the argument and was awarded a thousand dollars in argument winning awards. Additionally I earned the title, "King Dick of Asshole Town". I have it on a plaque next to my commemorative Mork rainbow suspenders.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx McAwesomestein and MOTHbot playing the role of "Stoopid Dood".

Stoopid Dood: I thought Avatar was pretty good. Great effects!

Dekx: Seriously? It's got one-dimensional characters, a hyper-predictable plot, and the directing was really just a special effects parade. AND YOU SAY IT WAS, "PRETTY GOOD"?!?!

SD: Relax, man. I just said I enjoyed the movie. I didn't make it.

Dekx: Oh, you didn't make the movie, huh? Well maybe you shoulda' fuckin' thought of that before you brought it up.

SD: Should have thought of what?

Dekx: Maybe if you had made the movie I wouldn't have to yell at you.

SD: That doesn't even make sense.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that too, dumbass.

SD: So I should have thought of you not making sense, and then I should have thought of how I didn't direct Avatar? This is why I fuckin' hate talking to you.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought-

SD: Alright, you know what? I'm just going to leave now. I should have known you would be incapable of having a normal conversation.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that....

SD: THAT'S WHAT I JUST...god I hate you.

Fin

That's it! Those are the only two techniques required to win any discussion. Now go forth, ye argumentationists, and verily do the stuff what I have taughten unto thee. Pick out the most threatening and harsh ALF forum, you know that one you lurk on but never post because everybody's so hardcore about what galaxy Melmac is supposed to be in? Go there and fuck some shit up, my people! RISE UP IN THE NAME OF THE PROLETARIAT AND IF ANY FOOLS GIVE YOU ANY SHIT?! TELL THEM TO GOOGLE IT!!!

Asten

Anybody else out there chew their aspirin? You know, in the hopes that you'll become an aspiring writer, get married, have a kid who can tell the future and talk to people with his mieeend, get a job doing maintenance in a seasonal hotel up in the mountains which gets snowed in every year and only has a CB as a means of long range communication, slowly go insane while finding out that the hotel is haunted, then race about the house trying to kill your wife and child with an ax until you finally freeze to death in the courtyard?



Just me? Or?....

When Computers Go Clubbing

The odds are good that you don't listen to your computer the way you should. You probably just shoot off your fancy emails full of lolcatz pictures reminding people to use snopes, download illicit movies where emo zombies spend most of their time cutting themselves to feel, and post Facebook status updates about the size and consistency of your twosies. But guess what, you unfeeling bastards, computers have feelings. Feelings you're not feeling, because you're unfeeling bastards.

In an effort to bridge the gap between meat people and mech people, effective immediately, The Polish Ambassador will serve as Chief Rotating National Anthem and Sexy, Sexy Robot Porno Music Commissioner of Chakakhanistan. In his new position he will be in charge of ensuring that you lazy cretins move your asses to the heat of the beat and respect the angle of the fucking dangle for a change. It has come to the attention of the Triumverate of Power that TPA will be in Reno on Friday, December 18th where he will be dropping the 8-bit UMPS UMPS music that makes all the robots dance. I hear tell he does not just spin records but recreates his songs through various electronic apparatuses. I also hear tell that he gyrates AND UNDULATES to the music.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE:


You must do the following in order to maintain Chakakhanistanian citizenship:

1. Go to his website. While you are there you should listen to the new remixen...remixi...remixes he's been posting lately. They are all delightful but we have taken a particular shine to Outkast's Wheels of Steel.
2. Maybe buy an album or two, huh, you stingy ingrates? You've been sucking off of the Chakakhanistanenan teat long enough. You don't pay rent because we graciously provide underground bunkers, you don't pay for clothes because we dress you all in finely crafted matching, quasifuturistic running suits, and you don't have to pay for entertainment because we dole out all the subliminal message-laden cartoons you could possibly need.
3. Go fan him up on his Facebook page so I don't have to hold your seamless-palmed hands every time he does something of note. You people are adults for godssake. It's time for you straighten up and fly straight. Come in for the big win or I will take a giant shit on you.
4. Go to his show. That's twice I hadda' tell you. You know what happens if I have to say it a third time. I don't know why you people make me hurt you....