The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the First

Vienna, Austria. 1808 AD
Ludwig Von Beethoven was between his 6th and 7th Symphonies. Napolean Bonepart was running around Europe and getting in fights. Knowing that Vienna was protected by Beethoven, Napoleon commissioned the design and construction of his fourth, and largest, Coal Powered-Automatic Soldier in hopes that he could conquer Vienna without any chance of resistance. Taken by suprise, much of the city was crushed by the giant metal feet of Napoleon's lumbering juggernaut. This destruction continued unabated for a few minutes because Beethoven couldn't hear all the screaming and crashing and simply wondered why all the stupid people were running around and making faces at him. But once he was properly notified by the city through use of the Beethoven signal flashing across the sky, Ludwig sprang into action. Swiftly he dashed through the streets of a terrified Vienna and spying the nearest piano through the smashed open wall of a family sitting room, Beethoven played the secret chords that allowed him to grow to considerable size. Beethoven found the robot closing in on the Schatzkammer where the royal jewels of the Hapsburg are kept. Napoleon wanted these to help finance his wars, and also because some of them would look stunning pinned to his jacket.
The fight raged for many hours, with only one restroom break, and one break for tea.
Beethoven won.
Demoralized, Napoleon next tried to invade Russia and that sorta failed too and led to his eventual defeat by all the other people that didn't like him. Napoleon's giant robot was last seen limping toward Poland.
Beethoven went on to write more symphonies and was the first to make contact with diplomats from another planet. He kicked their asses too.

The End

Lost Tablets of Tales of Mothy

I'm back. For a little bit. To check on my experiments, test the pasta and make sure it's cooked properly, add a dash of salt to soup, and make sure they flick all the rat droppings off the plate before it goes out to the customers. Other than that I've been up to my neck in artwork and overtime at real work. I'm finishing up special sketch cards for a set known as Marvel Masterpieces. These original sketches get collated in with the regular cards and are pretty rare. I also get some of my own to draw up and sell on e-bay or as commissions. I'm already $200 richer than I was last week. So, yeah. It ain't exactly comics, but I'm getting paid to draw Marvel characters.

On another art front, I have two pieces of pen and ink drawing in a one night fund raiser show for Reno Erotico Diablo. I got to draw robots with boobies! When I went to drop off the artwork, at a local boutique that's helping put on the show, the owner asked me to do a show in her store, so there's that too.

I've also recently un-earthed some lost files from the history of the Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan, Inc. As soon as we have more catalogued and verified by our legion of super-smart chimp lawyers, we'll begin posting those. It will change the way you look at history. Forever. Even in the future when they have re-forgotten the things we are about to teach you, it will blow their future minds like a talking space jellyfish just stung their enlarged psychic prostate! 

MOTHy

Space Monkeeeey, Space Monkey!

I have never, ever wanted a space monkey more than right now.
Nor have I ever wanted to be in a jazz/hip-hop fusion band more than right now.

Hell is Staind

I have the fucking terrble Staind song, "Believe" stuck in my head. I'm not going to link you to the song and fuck it, I'm not even going to rant about it. Suffice it to say that it's hellish. And the worst part is that I don't feel like listening to my iPod right now so I'm just sort of stuck here with Aaron Lewis steadily filling me with rage. God help the poor fucker who cuts me off in traffic or stands outside of my cube talking about football today...

Wafucka?!

So I started watching this the other day at work. I don't quite recall how I came upon it. In any event, I found it to be incredibly compelling. I couldn't stop watching it! Until I imagined somebody walking into my cube and catching me staring adoringly at it. Once I imagined myself trying to explain to my boss why I had Ronald JapDonald freaking the fuck out on my screen, turning it off was the only logical course of action. Enjoy!!



EDIT: As soon as I put this up on the site I started watching the video again and got sucked back in! I just can't shake the feeling that this is getting me ready for something. Like I need to watch it so I can be reprogrammed so I'll be ready for when we have to fight the first wave of AI robots or something. Or maybe they're peparing me for a life of servitude. MOTHy and I can hang out in our future-track suits and watch bizarre Japanese McDonald's remixes all day on the Holo-Vid until it's our turn to be harvested for parts to build ZombiOts: The first Robot-Zombie hybrid. And one day, the Good Lord willing, we'll be able to infect the flesh with lycanthropy AND zombie-ism to make the most powerful being of all time!

The Werombiot. BOOGILY!
Or else it's just some weird shit from a weird culture.
Or is it?

I Knew Right Away He Was Classy

I walked into the bathroom near my office today and I knew immediately that there was a classy guy in the shitter.

1. Despite me making sure I was noisy enough to alert him to my presence he was blasting out the sloppiest, underwear-striping, juice farts you could possibly imagine.
2. He was on the phone.
3. He sort of took his time getting off the phone.
4. He then got even sloppier with the pooper cheeze whiz.
5. He has a mullet.

Toy Hiatus

So check out this sexy bitch right mhya. That's right, it's the Lego Death Star and it's glorious. As soon as I saw it I knew it would be mine. It was like I was 10 all over again and dreaming about the expensive stuff in the mini-catalog that comes with smaller toys. So I told my wife, Nellbot, that, oh yes, it will be mine. So serious was I about making sure I got this Lego juggernaut, or Legonaut, if you will, that I swore off all other toys until I have this at Christmas time.

The idea is that, by staying my toy habit for a few months I would easily be able to justify spending the money I would have spent on several smaller toys on this one sex machine. I see now that I have fucked myself by saying I would wait until Christmas, though, because I know I would have spent more than $400 on toys between now and then. It's almost certain. So we're actually saving money by doing this.

While it's still totally worth the hiatus, I have not curtailed or altered my toy shopping habits, it's just that I don't buy anything. So whenever I'm in Target or Wal-Mart I still go immediately to the toy section it's just that I know ahead of time I'm going to have a massive case of blue balls when I leave. Some days it's not an issue because they have the same old shit but there have been a few serious temptations over the last 8 weeks that have tested my faith.

First I saw these sweet little fellows from Funko (please excuse my ghetto SnagIt/PowerPoint photo skillz). I already have a bunch of their Star Wars bobble heads so you can imagine my excitement when I saw these. But I knew right away it could not be. For the Lego Death Star holds a place in my heart that no bobble heads, no matter how gloriously Avengers, could fill. It was tough leaving these beauties behind but I held my head up high and looked valiantly to the future and my Lego Death Star and the end of my toy moritorium much the same way that Edmond Dantes looked forward to escaping from Chateu d'If and finding his beloved Mercedes.


Another line of toys I have which I enjoy very much are Hasbro's Muggs. I currently have several of the Star Wars ones and so I was once again pleased and heartbroken to see other classics in the line up which I really, really wanted to pick up. Behold! INDANA JONES MUGGS!!!

But, as you might have guessed by now I did not pick these up either. This is going to be an ongoing saga for me and therefore you, as well, until I get my baby. Subsequent related posts will almost certainly just be photos of other awesome toys I didn't buy.

I knew it was going to be hard...but I did not know it was going to be this hard...