I watch 'em so you don't have to. Unless you really want to.

Some zombie movies for your asses. And most of them bad. I'll let Netflix sum them up and then give you my thoughts.

1. Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!-

When an unorthodox drug experiment conducted by a mad scientist transforms the residents of a small town into flesh-eating zombies, a motley crew of exotic dancers, pimps, hookers and johns are forced to take refuge inside a seedy strip club. Helmed by first-time filmmaker Jason Murphy, this zany, tongue-in-cheek horror-thriller starsFHM model Jessica Barton and Playboy Playmate Hollie Winnard

.A shoddy and cheap zombie movie with playboy playmates who can't even do a good job acting as strippers. The only really good scene is when the pimp starts back-handing zombies. We'll see how it stacks up against Zombie Strippers.

1 Brain out of 5

2. Bio Zombie- Think George Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead with an Asian twist, and you've got a handle on this Japanese cult favorite that pits unwary shopping mall strollers against a horde of ravenous zombies. Woody and Bee -- two clerks who work at the mall -- unwittingly raise an army of ghouls when they slam into a biochemical company employee with their car … and he begins a wholesale infection. Better charge it!

A really silly Chinese (the Netflix description says it's Japanese, but it's not) Zombie movie. It's kinda fun and silly with little flashes of cleverness. The two main guys in this film make a comic duo, and the zombie effects are comically bad. In several scenes you can see that the zombies have gloves on to give them zombie hands. I like Tokyo Zombie much better.

3 Brains out of 5

3. Zombie Wars-

When a small group of rebels learns that zombies have begun breeding humans for consumption, they plan an all-out offensive to rid the planet of the flesh-eating monsters once and for all. After years of waging war against the undead, the population of mankind is reduced to alarming levels, with the dwindling bands of survivors relegated to living on the fringes of civilization, struggling to stay alive -- but not for long.

One of those films shot in someone's backyard. It looks and feels like it was made in the 80's instead of 2006. Terrible Terrible acting and the epitome of low-budget special effects.

1 Brain out of 5 and yet want to secretly give it another couple of Brains if I could somehow get the silhouettes of Joel and the bots along the bottom of the screen.

4. American Zombie-

Part mockumentary, part unabashed gore-fest, American Zombie follows filmmakersGrace Lee and John Solomon -- both playing themselves -- as they infiltrate a Los Angeles zombie community in an effort to document the undead subculture. Finding that the reanimated aren't much different from the rest of us -- save for some patches of rotting flesh -- the moviemakers offer a comical look at their marginalized subjects.

While I liked the idea, and liked some moments in this film, I guess I just didn't like talking zombies trying to fit in with regular people. Very little make-up or gore. I'm on the fence about this film and so we'll call it...

2.5 Brains out of 5

5. Day of the Dead-

Steve Miner (Friday the 13th Part 2) directs this remake of George A. Romero's classic zombie flick Day of the Dead, in which a mysterious disease causes the newly dead to come back to life and threaten the living. Meanwhile, military and scientific experts clash as they try to arrive at a solution. Miner and writer Jeffrey Reddick honor the story and social relevance of the first film but put a fresh spin on this tale of horror and intrigue.

Ugh. Supposed to be a remake, but really just a crap movie capitalizing on the name of the original. It has a few brisk fight scenes that are a little unbelievable even by zombie movie standards and stupid stuff like zombies scampering upside-down from ceilings to attack people. None of the Army people in this film except, Ving Rhames, look like they know anything about the military.

1 Brain out of 5

6. The Crazies-

Saw this one in the theatres. It's pretty much the standard "zombie" film plot with a small town overrun with a virus that makes people crazy and violent. Timothy Oliphant is awesome as the sheriff trying to save his town from Crazies and the US military. I actually jumped a couple of times had long stretches where I was totally stressed out. Again, not really a zombie movie, and I do wish it had a little more gore and maybe a good Crazies Mob attack but I'll still give it...

3.5 out of 5

What's new in... Sports

We here in Chakakahnistan work hard to dominate American sports. You notice how there are lots of Eastern Europeans playing in the NBA now? It's like that, but with me and Dekx taking over your sports. We have been splitting our time between training to power kick with the famous Punting Shao-Lin Mules of Uzbekistan in order to take over kickball, and meditating with a monastery of monks who take a vow of motionlessness instead of silence, so that we can take over the competitive sensory-deprivation-tank-sitting. Once we own those, we'll be setting our sights on going back to 1973 to dominate the lawn dart scene. We've also been working toward total conquest of the sport of Dodgeball. To the left, you can see I've included a picture of some dodgeball modifications I'm saving up for. And I was recently notified that I, your humble MOTHbot, was featured in a photograph on CNN.com. Way back in August.

Yep. That's me in my Thing T-shirt, all charged up and getting ready to drill some holes in some suckass opponents. It's pretty safe to say that I was winning the whole game single handedly. Dekx actually played a season or two, and was quite good for such a tall, awkward monstrosity of a man. So, there you have it. It's just a first step. Maybe next time they'll print my name, or give out some interesting background about the advanced training facilities we use in Chakakahnistan, some tidbits about our political system, or exports, or even our wonderful climate? We'll talk to CNN. In the meantime, keep your eyes open for more news in ... SPORTS!

MOTH

How To Win Every Argument. Ever.

Several of you have been writing in, wondering how it is that I win every single argument I have ever been in. Well, it's a good question because who doesn't want to win every single argument they're ever in? I'm going to outline my two techniques for surefire argument winnage right here on this very blog and it will only cost you $1,000. We'll do it on the honor system so please don't fuck us over, kindly readers, or we'll find you and we'll make you eat a fart sammich. If you pay us via the RLZ Curiosities Shop you will also get several free promotional and motivational t-shirts.

The Dekxnique of winning every argument. Ever.

You have two options to win any given argument and they're equally effective.

1. Yell, "GOOGLE IT!!" at the top of your lungs. Do this repeatedly until the person before you loses his temper and gives up or beats the bejeezus out of you. Either he forfeits the argument and leaves (win for you) or he takes the low road (moral win for you. This can often be turned into a sympathy lay from your opponent's girlfriend as long as you're in an 80s or 90s movie about nerds who finally stand up for themselves.). How does this work? Well, everybody knows that telling your opponent to Google It shows the unshakable strength of your convictions. After all, would you tell somebody to Google something if you didn't already know what Google would say? Of course not.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx The Winner and MOTHbot playing the role of "Douche Number 1".

Douche Number 1: You see, the universe as we know it is finite in size, it's just that it has infinite space within it.

Dekx: That makes the universe infinite.

DN1: Well, it's definitely a complicat-

Dekx: FUCK YOU! GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT AND SEE THAT I'M RIGHT. GOOGLE IT!!

DN1: It's elemental cosmology, really. If you read Hawking's A Brief History of -

Dekx: FUCKING GOOGLE IT! FUCKING GOOGLE IT! GOOGLE IT, DUMBASS. GOOGLE IT!

DN1: Alright, obviously you don't want to have a real conversation abo-

Dekx: GOOGLE IT, SHITSTICK!! GOOGLE IT AND YOU'LL SEE YOU'RE A COCKASSTITTY!! GOOGLE IT!!

Aaaaand Scene.

See how easy that was? I effectively shut him down and ended up being right despite the fact that he had prevailing scientific theory on his side.

2. Tell people that they shoulda' thought of that sooner.

Well let's face it, they shoulda' thought of that. Whatever it is. Hell, maybe they didn't even think of it at all. And if that's the case, that's what they shoulda' thought of. As with, "GOOGLE IT," the more you repeat, "Maybe you shoulda' thought of that," the more powerful your argument will be. Using this technique I have both literally and figuratively been slapped in the mouth. In both cases I won the argument and was awarded a thousand dollars in argument winning awards. Additionally I earned the title, "King Dick of Asshole Town". I have it on a plaque next to my commemorative Mork rainbow suspenders.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx McAwesomestein and MOTHbot playing the role of "Stoopid Dood".

Stoopid Dood: I thought Avatar was pretty good. Great effects!

Dekx: Seriously? It's got one-dimensional characters, a hyper-predictable plot, and the directing was really just a special effects parade. AND YOU SAY IT WAS, "PRETTY GOOD"?!?!

SD: Relax, man. I just said I enjoyed the movie. I didn't make it.

Dekx: Oh, you didn't make the movie, huh? Well maybe you shoulda' fuckin' thought of that before you brought it up.

SD: Should have thought of what?

Dekx: Maybe if you had made the movie I wouldn't have to yell at you.

SD: That doesn't even make sense.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that too, dumbass.

SD: So I should have thought of you not making sense, and then I should have thought of how I didn't direct Avatar? This is why I fuckin' hate talking to you.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought-

SD: Alright, you know what? I'm just going to leave now. I should have known you would be incapable of having a normal conversation.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that....

SD: THAT'S WHAT I JUST...god I hate you.

Fin

That's it! Those are the only two techniques required to win any discussion. Now go forth, ye argumentationists, and verily do the stuff what I have taughten unto thee. Pick out the most threatening and harsh ALF forum, you know that one you lurk on but never post because everybody's so hardcore about what galaxy Melmac is supposed to be in? Go there and fuck some shit up, my people! RISE UP IN THE NAME OF THE PROLETARIAT AND IF ANY FOOLS GIVE YOU ANY SHIT?! TELL THEM TO GOOGLE IT!!!

Asten

Anybody else out there chew their aspirin? You know, in the hopes that you'll become an aspiring writer, get married, have a kid who can tell the future and talk to people with his mieeend, get a job doing maintenance in a seasonal hotel up in the mountains which gets snowed in every year and only has a CB as a means of long range communication, slowly go insane while finding out that the hotel is haunted, then race about the house trying to kill your wife and child with an ax until you finally freeze to death in the courtyard?



Just me? Or?....

When Computers Go Clubbing

The odds are good that you don't listen to your computer the way you should. You probably just shoot off your fancy emails full of lolcatz pictures reminding people to use snopes, download illicit movies where emo zombies spend most of their time cutting themselves to feel, and post Facebook status updates about the size and consistency of your twosies. But guess what, you unfeeling bastards, computers have feelings. Feelings you're not feeling, because you're unfeeling bastards.

In an effort to bridge the gap between meat people and mech people, effective immediately, The Polish Ambassador will serve as Chief Rotating National Anthem and Sexy, Sexy Robot Porno Music Commissioner of Chakakhanistan. In his new position he will be in charge of ensuring that you lazy cretins move your asses to the heat of the beat and respect the angle of the fucking dangle for a change. It has come to the attention of the Triumverate of Power that TPA will be in Reno on Friday, December 18th where he will be dropping the 8-bit UMPS UMPS music that makes all the robots dance. I hear tell he does not just spin records but recreates his songs through various electronic apparatuses. I also hear tell that he gyrates AND UNDULATES to the music.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE:


You must do the following in order to maintain Chakakhanistanian citizenship:

1. Go to his website. While you are there you should listen to the new remixen...remixi...remixes he's been posting lately. They are all delightful but we have taken a particular shine to Outkast's Wheels of Steel.
2. Maybe buy an album or two, huh, you stingy ingrates? You've been sucking off of the Chakakhanistanenan teat long enough. You don't pay rent because we graciously provide underground bunkers, you don't pay for clothes because we dress you all in finely crafted matching, quasifuturistic running suits, and you don't have to pay for entertainment because we dole out all the subliminal message-laden cartoons you could possibly need.
3. Go fan him up on his Facebook page so I don't have to hold your seamless-palmed hands every time he does something of note. You people are adults for godssake. It's time for you straighten up and fly straight. Come in for the big win or I will take a giant shit on you.
4. Go to his show. That's twice I hadda' tell you. You know what happens if I have to say it a third time. I don't know why you people make me hurt you....
   

5 Things Missing From Zombie Flicks or: Put Me In, Coach!!

Hi there, Hollywood. Can we talk for a minute? There are so many beautiful, feasible ideas that are being neglected in the genre of Zombie movies and I'm worried you don't even know what you're missing. Every time a new film comes out I get my hopes up that I'm going to get a fresh new look at solving the age old problem of killing a fuckton of shambling, undead corpses and then I get the same old shit. So here are five things I would incorporate into a movie were I writing/directing.

5. Why the hell do so few people wear armor in zombie movies? I understand a lot of them take place during the initial outbreaks so people aren't prepared necessarily for such an ordeal (Although seriously, you should be. It's really just a matter of time, people.). But once we're a couple of weeks into the infection I want to see people in a minimum of leather, top to bottom. Zombies are driven by their insatiable lust for blood, guts and brains, but they are still running on the Human 1.21.036 chassis. There is only so much power the average zombie can deliver. Leather would divert a majority of bites and scratches while leaving the good guys the ability to maneuver effectively. If they get their hands on some Kevlar or those crazy fucking bear suits, so much the better.

4. I'd like to see something done several months after the ZombPocolypse in which pockets of humanity have managed to survive and congregate. In that context I want to see a methodical collection of supplies from a given region, say a couple of city blocks, and then I want to see that shit burned to the ground. Zombies can't sneak up on you if you can see for a quarter mile in every direction. What's the sense in leaving buildings up when all they do is make good hiding spots and off-camera teleportation landing zones for zombies? I'll tell you what's the sense. NONE!

3. Pikes and shield walls. Hey, not everybody is going to get their share of guns from the sporting goods store and you can find trees all over. Let's see some old school medieval shield walls in the absence of firepower! I'm talking about the head-to-toe castle doors. And peaking between each shield should be a man with a pike, impaling reanimated facemeat until the cows come home.

2. True, high quality marksmanship at a distance. Also known as sharp shooting. Imagine a combination of the sharpshooter scenes from Black Hawk Down and the "cover me, I'm going in," scene near the end of The Long Kiss Goodnight wherein Geena Davis keeps Samuel L. Jackson alive as he makes his way through an enemy installation. I want to see a one shot, one kill scenario with some teeth to it!! Who gives a shit why the lone man on the ground has to get to the far side of the zombie horde? For all I know it's to save the last known living puppy. Or to get his hands on his irreplaceable stack of PorNoire comic book series Madame Ovary, the ongoing saga of a combination titty bar and OBGYN office. What's important is that he's zigging and zagging. Bobbing and weaving. And zombies are falling all around him because his brothers in arms turn their hats backwards when it's time to get serious, just like Lincoln Hawk.

1. Any high-caliber/high-rate-of-speed, antipersonnel gun being fired effectively and efficiently into a writhing mob of zombies. You remember the one part of Matrix: Revolutions that you actually liked? Where the squiddies came piling into the dock and they were being mowed down by the dozen? Imagine a mini-gun in the hands of a highly trained and experienced expert with a person dedicated solely to reloading and another to covering stragglers. This should not just be a scene where they manage to hold out for five or ten seconds while the hero gets away. I want total annihilation, wave after wave of bodies evaporating from the shoulder up.

These things are well within your means, Hollywood, so why do you keep fucking around? Is it because you're worried that if you set the bar too high you'll be required to achieve that level of awesome again and again? If that's the case, then bring me in for the Big Win. I've been waiting feverishly in the bull pen and I have a case of zombie movie blue balls so severe I have to wheel around a liquid nitrogen tank to keep them in check. I know it's scary, being cuckolded in front of your beautiful lady, the American Audience, but let's face it; if I don't give her what she needs Boyle and Romero are just going to wait for you to start making Twilight 3: The Emoning and then poke her ass when you're not looking.

Glad we had this talk.

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Third

As we scamper across the barley fields of time, stalks gently swaying with the gentle caresses of gentle tachyons, we have come upon yet another lost moment from the history of our Great Nation. During the struggle for independence, Ben Franklin was sent to the moon to use his mighty technical prowess to harness the most powerful source of energy next to our sun: Moon Lightning. Wielding his mighty K.I.T.E., Franklin could coax massive amounts of electricity to power revolutionary muskets, printing presses, pot bellied stoves, and his magic bi-focal glasses.

At the same time (actually a different time {55BC by your puny calendar} that happens to loop around and coincide with Franklin's time - which also has links to 17 different time-spaces including Predeter and the last Sundeter of each Hectodeter), one Gaius Julius Caesar was invading the British Isles by way of the Sea of Tranquility. Needing to secure allies for when Hannibal attacked the Roman Empire earlier in 218 BC, Caesar was in negotiations with the Legion of Moon Monsters when Ben Franklin's lightning generating threatened to derail the whole process.

A great battle ensued with Franklin using a special martial art developed in Philadelphia, and Caesar attempting a formation known as "The One-Man-Phalanx". Many of the Moon's icy castles and great museums were destroyed as neither of these great titans would give ground. According to the few surviving witnesses, the battle only ended when a wormhole opened in the sky and a 50 foot tall Carl Sagan and Chief Sitting Bull stepped out, pleading for Franklin and Caesar to end their quarrel and reminding them they were both late for a party at Harvey Keitel's house. Harvey had drunkenly told everyone that he would totally kick their asses if they were late again because, as you know, it was only a month earlier that Caesar and Franklin rode their horses up the New Jersey turnpike as they tried in vain to stop Aaron Burr from killing Alexander Hamilton. Franklin claims there was traffic, but Caesar insists it's because Franklin had stopped off for chips and a coke.

The End