1. THE PROBABILITY OF A PROPERTY BEING AFFORDABLE IS INVERSELY PROPRTIONATE TO THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU WANT IT.
This is true for all possible permutations of the metaphore. What you want is unreachable... face it... this is the case in much in the same way that chicks who wear tight black rubber and who can scratch the middle of their back with their heel are very busy taking it from Italian dudes named Sergio with cocks the size of a small dog.
2. MORTGAGE BROKERS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.
When people are making a percentage directly off of you, their being friendly, socking you in the arm or batting their eyelashes does NOT mean that they want to "hang" or bear your children. Conversation about football or touching your hand while handing you a pen aside, your name may as well be "Meal Ticket".
3. A $475, 000 IMPULSE BUY MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA.
This is why YOU are a fucktard. You bought those clothes to be sexy with nobody to wear them for. Fail. You spent $1257.20 last year on DVDs and you've watched nine of them. Fail. You also whitened your teeth thinking that it would make up for the ugly smeared over the rest of your face. Epic fail. --Now you have the audacity to think, that after being fiscally irresponsible and, generally, a social failure that moving to a cooler city or closer to family will somehow make you less of a diappointment to your higher self. Not true... you DO disappoint you... don't argue the point, just put the gun in your mouth-- it's better than declaring bankruptcy... again.
4. DEBT GOES BEYOND DOLLARS AND CENTS.
If karma is real you're fucked. Prove me wrong...
5. THE PROPERTY YOU REALLY WANT IS THE FIRST ONE YOU WILL SEE AFTER BUYING THE ONE YOU ALREADY REGRET BUYING.
If you are an American and you are reading this then there is no use deny this... it is a truism. Upgrading is part of the American dream and the human condition. You've done it. Your neighbor does it. Your ex-girlfriend did it. Now she's happy.
Showing posts with label 5 things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 5 things. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
5 things I've learned from being a nerd...
1. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU COLLATE. If you are a dork and people know, that is all the information they need. Regardless of how dorky people think you are, you will be a bigger dork once they have experienced your geekitude in 3-D.
2. GIRLS EAT GEEK SOULS. Girls like guys who sweat and punch smaller guys in the face. They are not, in fact, impressed by your ability to intuitively know the number of jelly-beans in a jar, your knowledge about pre-cretaceous rock formations, that you are a level 19; half-elf wizard or that you know the difference between a Van Gogh and and a Matisse. Poems are not cool. No girls likes the poetry you write her or the pictures you draw. She does not want to hear your lame poetry while you play Fish albums. They don't want flowers... its not that they don't want them at all its just that they don't want them from YOU. They want them from a guy who burps and scratches himself.
3. CHESS IS NOT A SPORT. No matter how good you are at Halo, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft or Poke Mon; no one will care. Even other dorks will secretly mock you. If you are good at it (regardless of what "it" is), keep it to yourself. Dorks are given no reprieve from dorkdom even by other dorks.
4. STICK TO BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND POCKET PROTECTORS. Don't try to dress cool. You don't have it. Dressing cool is for people who know how to dress cool. If you find youself asking what is cool to wear then please don't try to wear it... you will end up looking like a turd in a ribbon.
5. YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF. when you go to college, you don't get to start over. You will not, suddenly, be less geeky--you will still wear vulcan ears and you will still know that the square root of -1 is an imaginary number. You will still be able to quote Hemmingway and you will not have that ever-so-cool hip-hop-and-indie-edge to your voice. You will still whine when you stub your toe and girls will still scare you. Accept that you will die alone.
B.
1. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU COLLATE. If you are a dork and people know, that is all the information they need. Regardless of how dorky people think you are, you will be a bigger dork once they have experienced your geekitude in 3-D.
2. GIRLS EAT GEEK SOULS. Girls like guys who sweat and punch smaller guys in the face. They are not, in fact, impressed by your ability to intuitively know the number of jelly-beans in a jar, your knowledge about pre-cretaceous rock formations, that you are a level 19; half-elf wizard or that you know the difference between a Van Gogh and and a Matisse. Poems are not cool. No girls likes the poetry you write her or the pictures you draw. She does not want to hear your lame poetry while you play Fish albums. They don't want flowers... its not that they don't want them at all its just that they don't want them from YOU. They want them from a guy who burps and scratches himself.
3. CHESS IS NOT A SPORT. No matter how good you are at Halo, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft or Poke Mon; no one will care. Even other dorks will secretly mock you. If you are good at it (regardless of what "it" is), keep it to yourself. Dorks are given no reprieve from dorkdom even by other dorks.
4. STICK TO BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND POCKET PROTECTORS. Don't try to dress cool. You don't have it. Dressing cool is for people who know how to dress cool. If you find youself asking what is cool to wear then please don't try to wear it... you will end up looking like a turd in a ribbon.
5. YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF. when you go to college, you don't get to start over. You will not, suddenly, be less geeky--you will still wear vulcan ears and you will still know that the square root of -1 is an imaginary number. You will still be able to quote Hemmingway and you will not have that ever-so-cool hip-hop-and-indie-edge to your voice. You will still whine when you stub your toe and girls will still scare you. Accept that you will die alone.
B.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
