Picasso at the Mall

Picasso at the Mall's self-titled first album.

Picasso at the Mall were a synthpop band formed in Reno, NV in May of 1986. They were one of the most successful bands in the region, citing diverse influences like Kajagoogoo, UB40, Grace Jones and Winger. Picasso at the Mall's lineup consisted of MothB0t on lead melodica and lead vocals, and Dekx on lead keyboards and lead vocals.

MothB0t's tenacious, syncopated, freestyle scale- and music theory-ignoring blitzkrieg melodica playing instantly drew attention to the group's debut performance at the Organ Trail keyboard and organ store in the upper level of the Olde Town Mall, where the duo worked as salesmen. However it was Dekx's unique 13 keyboard setup and blistering Bossa Nova Demo Mode rotation which kept passersby enthralled for minutes at a time.

In August of 1986 Picasso at the Mall outgrew the narrow confines of organ sales-based roots synth. They
began what would have been a three-coffee shop tour of the Reno/Sparks area. Their first and last gig on that tour was cut drastically short when PatM found out that ten minutes was allotted to each act, not each person. The ensuing altercation with the guy who ran the open mic at Coffee 'n' Things resulted in substantial damage to 12 of Dekx's 13 keyboards and MothB0t's real nice rayon shirt.

Realizing that the band was at its zenith, Picasso at the Mall chose to part ways in September of 1986. MothB0t would go on to become a session musician playing the melodica with some of the biggest acts of the 90s including Semisonic, Matchbox 20, Snow, and whoever the fuck did Roll to Me.

Dekx got a Vegetable Science degree at Dar'yll and Moon's Vegetable Science Academy somewhere in the Balkan Peninsula, where he still works doing vegetable science. Mostly on vegetables.

In April of 2014 Picasso at the Mall started making headlines again due to a legal altercation with fart-rock band, Nickleback. So-called vocalist Chad Kroeger, in a March 22nd interview cited Picasso at the Mall as his number one musical influence. PatM's lawyers sprang into action, immediately suing Kroeger for slander, libel and defamation of character. The court case rapidly devolved into a shouting match when Picasso at the Mall realized that they only got ten minutes for the entire defense team and not ten minutes per defendant.

Fucking Cold Play

As promised, it's time to blame something on MOTHbot! Hooray!! Now I'm just going to say up front that this isn't actually his fault, but I'm blaming him for it anyway; Fucking Cold Play.

There are lots of bands out there that are or were very popular whose music I did not enjoy at all but could appreciate their skill and appeal. The Dave Matthews Band is a fine example. They're talented and not at all offensive. I don't LIKE them, but they're just kind of there and don't pique my ire in the least.

But Fucking Cold Play...they just produce this super-homogeneous, ueberemo, lilting bullshit. It all sounds forced and contrived, it's all boring, and it all sounds the same. I seriously am completely unable to tell one song from the next and I have for at least a year now said that they only have one album that just keeps coming out with new installments. Now I can typically handle bad. If it's just the right kind of bad it can be good. But what I cannot handle is bad becoming popular or successful. Eddie Murphie is a great instance in which a terrible, untalented, unfunny hack somehow manages to get funding and viewers for movie after unbearably bad movie. If he just ran around being awful and nobody really took notice except to say, "Shit on toast, that's a whole mess of Weak Sauce sin Jalapenos," I wouldn't want to gut him like a fish. Likewise, Fucking Cold Play's insidious ability to somehow trick smart, right-thinking people with some semblance of taste into purchasing their music just makes me want to puke.

So as MOTHbot and I were eating tasty Port a' Subs sammiches and I go off on my 17th diatribe about Fucking Cold Play (as seen above) MOTHbot gets this kind of relaxed, semi-Buddha look on his face and says, "Eh, they're not that bad." And just like that, Fucking Cold Play was Fucking MOTHbot's fault. It was like his lack of contempt somehow sent a ripple backwards in time and caused Fucking Cold Play to come into existence, suck massive assholes, become incredibly popular, and hence cause me to hate them. Now if there's one thing I hate more than Fucking Cold Play it's when people other than me send ripples backwards in time. ESPECIALLY if it's to create something as awful as Fucking Cold Play.

So I redoubled my efforts to will Fucking Cold Play out of existence via the power of The Impotent Rant but to no avail! Fucking Cold Play is still around and they're still producing terrible music. Or maybe they're just re-releasing their one album all over again, I honestly can't tell.

FUCK YOU MOTHbot!! Fucking Cold Play is your fault because you don't hate them! This is on your own conscience, dude. You brought this on yourself:

I no longer hate Offspring. Oh yeah, I said it. Have fun with that shit, beeeeeitch!!!