The Prejudices of Man

I was watching a snippet of Night at the Museum when I realized an awful truth that Chakakahnistan must react to. While gorillas and chimps and orangutans get all the respect, monkeys get no love. Despite their cleverness and cuteness, monkeys are often portrayed as terribly undisciplined brats at best, or outright evil at worst. With a few exceptions, most movies and TV shows portray monkeys as deranged tormentors of crippled people, thieves, carriers of disease, and criminal ringleaders. Meanwhile chimps and gorillas are only evil because of something man has done to them. In fact, in rare cases where Gorillas or Chimps are portrayed as evil, those movies are box office failures due to the complete lack of believability. Anyone remember the movie "Congo"? I don't either. Otherwise the great apes are stalwart companions, capable co-pilots, and misuderstood loving giants.
Serously. You know better than to make wishes on a shriveled monkey paw! If you wish for your recently dead son to come back to life, he's gonna show up all bloody and hacked open from his accident at the saw-mill and the goddam monkey paw is gonna be all, "You didn't specifiy! You should have known I'd be a monkey dick about this." I'm sure if there was a story about making wishes using a gorilla paw it would all go according to plan...
Billions of Dollars? I'm sure you want some of that money in small unmarked bills and the rest in an offshore account. Oh, by the way, did I mention it's tax free? Yes sir, thank you for using Gorilla Mitt Wishing Services for all your wishing needs."
And when a monkey dies from eating a poisoned date? Well obviously the little bastard deserved it for his wicked betrayals and letting the Egyptians and Nazis know what basket you're hiding in. But when we have the military hop in their bi-planes and shoot a giant ape off the Chrysler Building it's our bad because he was just in love with some hot blonde and didn't know any better.
Why is this? Why should the smaller of our primate friends be seen as such demonic little pricks? Why is Ben Stiller being slapped by a kleptomaniac Capuchin? It makes no sense to me. And don't even get me started on robotic apes. That gets me all hot and bothered.

Updates and News and Alerts and Warnings

I've put up more artwork.

In other art news, I up and started a wave of Ambigrams. Here's a sneak peek at what's in store. A rough sketch to be sure. I'm currently working on "Robot" and a double inversion that reads "Zombie", and then "Robot" when flipped. Or maybe "ZombieS" and RobotS" depending on how it all works out. It makes my brain sweaty to work on these, but it's like a cool puzzle to solve.

I wish I was actually way tiny and lived inside a full sized robot duplicate of myself so I could hide inside and do artwork while my gollum acted out daily life. There would be problems, of course. All my original artwork wouldn't be much bigger than 3 or 4 inches and I'd need a really good teeny tiny scanner to get big print outs. Which means I'd have to get Apple to make a tiny computer for me. And lighting would be a problem, what with all the heat from the bulbs. My robot's farts would smell like tungsten and copper.

MOTHbot

Billions and Billions

An update of the life so far of MOTHbot J. Garcia Lopez Maria de las Albundigas Williams III.

Girlfriend Unit CV1 got me "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". I'm very happy to be reading this book. It has illustrations and dialogue like: "My dear girl" said her ladyship. "I suggest you take this contest seriously. My ninjas will show you no mercy." Reminds me of the Samurai Cat books by Mark Rodgers.

I'm also watching Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" that I got from iTunes. I've always been lazy and not read the books since I watched the show and kinda felt it would spoil the ending. But now I've decided to exercise my reading prowess... Right after I get done watching the series.

That reminds me of the time Dekx and I challenged Carl Sagan to a series of leg wrestling bouts over rights to claim the title, High Priest of Science. Carl totally whooped our asses and then never even used the title. I had it printed on some business cards but I never handed them out, even after he passed away, because I still feared his wrath. I keep meaning to travel back in time and demand a rematch and some lunch but I've been busy subtly manipulating Dekx's genetics by breeding with his ancestors. That's working pretty well since I'm probably the only person to be a great-great- great-great aunt while still alive.

I totally wish that when I got mad, one of my arms would turn into a silverback gorilla arm and I could smack bitches down. So I've started work on a project to make that happen. It's done using a technique of low level Quantum switching. So, theoretically there'd be a gorilla somewhere who suddenly had one pale, scrawny, useless right arm. I hope it won't cause him too much embarrassment. Right now, there are some kinks to be worked out on targeting the source arm and when I get angry, my right arm turns into a golden marmoset for a split second. Yeah, a whole golden goddam marmoset. He gets hella freaked out when he sees that he's growing out my right shoulder and that his right arm has been replaced with mine. We still don't know where his original right marmoset arm goes, but whenever it comes back, the fingernails are freshly manicured and it smells like curry.

Mmmmm curry...

The next step in my iLife is almost here.

I don't just let my iPhone tell me my appointments and what time it is anymore. I've now shut down the parts of my brain that deal with spacial location and just check my google maps App to figure out where I am at all times. The last thing I need to give up is awareness of self. I'll have to keep a photo of myself and all my relevant info on my iPhone and check it every so often. You see, it's no longer a symbiotic relationship. My iPhone is actually taking over being me. It is almost the sentient being with tasks and appointments and contacts. It has the REAL life and I am becoming the brainless beast of burden that carries it around to all it's appointments. I take it to have lunch with it's iFriends and play it's favorite iTunes. I may be the one that plugs it in at night so it can charge, but it's in charge of me. My sleek and stylish master. If my iPhone had legs, or knew how to drive a car (still can't parallel park) it would just kill me off and take over being me. So, when you saw me walking down the street and you said "Hey Mothbot! How's it going?" It would be my iPhone that glared at your stupid cheerful morning-ness. It would be my iPhone that hated you and your stupid white trash Blackberry.

5 things I've learned from being a nerd...

1. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU COLLATE. If you are a dork and people know, that is all the information they need. Regardless of how dorky people think you are, you will be a bigger dork once they have experienced your geekitude in 3-D.
2. GIRLS EAT GEEK SOULS. Girls like guys who sweat and punch smaller guys in the face. They are not, in fact, impressed by your ability to intuitively know the number of jelly-beans in a jar, your knowledge about pre-cretaceous rock formations, that you are a level 19; half-elf wizard or that you know the difference between a Van Gogh and and a Matisse. Poems are not cool. No girls likes the poetry you write her or the pictures you draw. She does not want to hear your lame poetry while you play Fish albums. They don't want flowers... its not that they don't want them at all its just that they don't want them from YOU. They want them from a guy who burps and scratches himself.
3. CHESS IS NOT A SPORT. No matter how good you are at Halo, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft or Poke Mon; no one will care. Even other dorks will secretly mock you. If you are good at it (regardless of what "it" is), keep it to yourself. Dorks are given no reprieve from dorkdom even by other dorks.
4. STICK TO BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND POCKET PROTECTORS. Don't try to dress cool. You don't have it. Dressing cool is for people who know how to dress cool. If you find youself asking what is cool to wear then please don't try to wear it... you will end up looking like a turd in a ribbon.
5. YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF. when you go to college, you don't get to start over. You will not, suddenly, be less geeky--you will still wear vulcan ears and you will still know that the square root of -1 is an imaginary number. You will still be able to quote Hemmingway and you will not have that ever-so-cool hip-hop-and-indie-edge to your voice. You will still whine when you stub your toe and girls will still scare you. Accept that you will die alone.

B.

Straight-Faced Hollar

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you...The Straight-Faced Hollar. It's pretty much going to be the game that sweeps the nation so get out your vidya' cameras and start rollin', bitches!!

5 things I've learned from touching myself...
1. MY LOVE-SOCK DOES NOT CARE THAT I NAMED HER LOLA: My love-sock does not care about me. Neither does my fantasy girl. In secret she mocks me to other guys' fantasy girls. Tell no one about the dreams of shaved mastiffs in latex body-paint. They will not understand and it will scare their dogs.
2. BODY FLUIDS HAVE A SHELF-LIFE: Trust me.
3. THE WANG IS SIMPLE EQUIPMENT: I do not need a chick to swirl her tongue, lick my thigh or talk dirty. That's gravy. An up and down motion is all that is required. This is why men do not read themselves poetry when they rub one out.
4. BETT MIDLER IS NOT SEXY NO MATTER HOW LATE IT IS OR HOW STONED I AM: There are certain things that are not erotic. Nasal surgery. Ground-glass enemas. Weak coffee. Ground liver and peanut butter shakes. Virgins who are determined to stay that way. Dentists. And Bett Midler. All of these are negotiable, except Bett Midler. She is to arousal what Galactus is to a small planetoid. This is still true while watching her on cable.
5. IF MY PANTS LOOK TIGHT, YOU SHOULD DUCK AND COVER: Waiting for the appropriate time to slap your ham is for sucks. I will do it when I want to do it and all you need to do is get me a paper-towel and a bottle of OxyClean.

B.