Too Much Communication

Communication is important. Dekx and Jay and I have to call each other up every once in a while to hash out rules and customs of Chakakahnistan. Sometimes I call Jay while he and his fambly are just sitting down to eat dinner, or getting ready for bed. Sometimes I call Dekx when he's balls deep in some World of Warcraft crap. At work, we can call each other on the phone, email each other, or just make the quarter mile stroll to each other's cube (well, Jay's like 5 feet away from me). That's just what the company makes available to us. With our own personal cell phones we can text and call. With G-Mail and Yahoo we can send vulgar e-mail that doesn't get scanned and tracked by the company. But somewhere, someone sold our fair employer a bill of goods and convinced them that what everyone here needed to really work as efficiently as possible was a chat/IM program. So, Dekx can now call me to tell me to check my email telling me to check Office Communicator where he sent me a note telling me that he'll be down in a few minutes to see if I want to go to lunch. I will hand write him a letter, drop it off at IGT's in house mail drop, and have it delivered to his cube telling him that I can't go. Dekx will them send a carrier pigeon via bank-like Air tube to a central relay where the message will then be given to a pony express rider who will find himself suddenly beset by Cherokee Indians and he'll have to entrust the message to a brave collie who will, using his keen sense of smell, track me down in the men's room to bark out the message that I am a douche bag for not going to lunch with Dekx. I will then smoke signal a singing telegram via telegraph wire telling him, that he can "Suck it." All told, it will only take 3 or 4 hours for all this communication to occur.
Did they do a study or cost/benefit analysis to show that its use will out-weigh all the dim-wits that sit and chat all day? I know that Office Communicator is limited to our company, but many people's best friends and family also work here. I know plenty of my co-workers that sit and e-mail messages all day with people who sit 4 or 5 rows away. You can't show me much that would convince me these same people won't chat all day long.
Anyway, I have to get out the semaphore flags so I can ask Jay if he still wants to go to lunch. I know Jay is only 5 feet away and all that, but I just feel limited with what tools the company has given me.

An Addition to MOTHbot's Rules for Christmas

Christmas carols have to be at least this awesome by law.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-eslNwGXrI
Don't let the Bells End.

Beethoven

Today, December 17th is sorta a stand-in for Beethoven's birthday. Historians are unsure of the actual date, his family often celebrated it on the 16th and he was baptized on the 17th. So get your ipods out, or your CDs, or go online to something like slacker radio or Rhapsody and listen to the 4th movement of Beethoven's 9th. The Ode to Joy. This is MOTHbot's official choice as "The Most Beautiful Piece of Music EVER." (Run on sentence of exuberance alert) -Not only did this work figure peominently in A Clockwork Orange; but the final Chorale is the soundtrack to my dreams of watching acres of zombies get blown to bits by rockets and missles and bombs while I fire a machine gun into the oncoming horde until the barrel melts and I die being overwhelmed by masses of the undead who then get obliterated by the several hunderd pounds of explosives I've surrounded myself with. Don't think for one minute that the oddness of destroying masses of what once were humans while listening to a masterpiece about the triumph of human spirit and brotherhood escapes me. I'm thinking about a much bigger picture here. I am embracing o ye millions all right. Embraceing their undead asses with beams of lead-jacketed death. I'm thinking like a cinematographer, making a scene that god himself will sit up and notice. I want him to look down from his heavenly livingroom to see this crazy bastard offering himself and several hundred undead up to the universe in perfect time with the final German crecendo of Joy and power and think "Look at that crazy freakin' MOTHbot! He knew what he wanted to do with his life and his death so he did it!"
So go out and find the soundtrack to your own destruction. Find the song that will show the zombies, and all the dieties in the world that you mean freakin' business. Tell the universe "This is how I'm gonna die, this will be the soundtrack and I won't accept anything less!"
Make mine Beethoven!

MOTHbot's Handy Rules of Christmas

1. No Christmas sales and such until the week before Christmas. Dekx's Note: Approved. This also includes, but is by no means limited to, advertisements in any medium. The media shall contain no evidence whatsoever until December 17th. Even during this time, any advertisements which contain altered Christmas carol lyrics or tunes will be punishable by not only death, but an eternity in Hell. Just to give you an idea of how serious we are about this issue, we're both atheists, ok? But we'll start believing in Hell just to send you sick fuckers there.


2. No Christmas carols until December 23rd. Dekx's Note: Approved

3. There are only about 10 or 20 accepted christmas carols that can be played. Dekx's Note: Approved.

4. The "Official" Christmas Carol of Chakakahnistan will be White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby or Little Drummer Boy sung by Crosby and David Bowie. Most carols sung by members of the Rat Pack are accepted. Harry Connick Jr. doing old classics will mostly be OK. But all country, hip-hop, or rock versions of Christmas Carols are NOT ALLOWED! Dekx's Note: Approved.

5. Last Christmas by Wham is allowed. Dekx's Note: Fucking gay. Not only is WHAM!! not allowed at Christmas, they're not allowed at life. They should follow Michael Hunchence's lead. I'm thinking George Michael is probably not far off in this regard.

6. The Christmas in Africa fundraiser song is OK too. Dekx's Note: Nobody cares about Africa anymore. Plus, they don't have Christmas over there, I don't think. If they did, it seems like they wouldn't need this fucking awful song.

7. The official Movie of Christmas will be "Apocalypse Now". The second official movie will be "A Christmas Story". No more "It's a Wonderful Life" or any of those ABC Family Channel movies like "Holiday in Handcuffs" I know the name makes it sound kinky, but it's not like that, It's actually a big bunch of suck. Dekx's Note: Approved. Any deviation from this list will cause you to bleed from whatever holes you're not supposed to. I'm not a physiologist, ok? You figure out which ones.

8. Santa Claus will be played by either Marlon Brando, Harvey Keitel or Chuck D. Dekx's Note: These will be henceforth known as the Claus Head. They are all simultaneously AND individually Santa Claus from now on. Fuck with the ultimate Christmas badass, shitto. See what happens...

9. I know this is gonna flare up some of you suckahs out there, but I'm bringing the chainsaw of death down on those creepy claymation movies (Island of Mistfit Toys, Rudolph, Frosty...). I just can't handle the way those creepy/crappy little elves and reindeer goose step around with their stop-motion hair jumping back and forth! MOTHbot will have none of that shit! Any citizens of Chakakahnistan found watching these movies, or owning little toys or even printed material bearing the image of these heinous creations will be severely punished. I may even kill your whole family back through time. Dekx's Note: Denied. It is precisely because this shit is creepy that it must be kept as part of our culture. Indeed, I will create a claymation army the likes of which has never been seen! WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!! Except, you know, we won't be able to go anywhere wicked cold, wicked wet, or wicked hot....

So beware, San Diego, I and the Cadre of Clay are coming for you!!

10. Every friday will be "Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day" Acceptable clothing will consist of only the most horrible of sweaters with christmas kittens, penguins, nativity scenes, and puppies. Even better if it's a nativity scene with cats and a baby jesus-kitten. The uglier the better. Dekx's Note: Approved! The Grand and Benevolent Roaming Nation-State of Chakakanistan will create a Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day Sweaters department. Be ready to get your dicks and twats rocked, faithful citizens. Baby Jesus-Kitten is on a rampage and he won't stop until you all look like Cliff Huxtable's fucking closet exploded.

We'll update when we come up with more rules. And remember: the penalty for violating any of these rules is death. Now, SUBMIT!!!

What Else? Robots!!!

Some day, I'm gonna turn this tide around. Some day, humans will duke it out while dressed in obnoxious christmas decorations, while us robots sit back and laugh at their stupid antics. Imagine a world where humans degraded themselves on national TV and in front of live audiences.
Well, stupid humons already do that, so I guess they won't have any difficulty doing it for their new robot overlords. Stupid humon scum.
Anyway, this story is kinda cool, and kinda degrading to robots.

MOTHbot

Halloween photos!

I made a robut suit like the ones from Flight of the Conchords, and got my picture taken with Optimus Prime and some Zombie Chicks. Then I got my robo-anus probed by an alien. I didn't even know that could happen.

TIME!

Ya know what I hate? I hate when Dekx tries too hard to be like me. Today, he shows up at my desk at 10 am wanting to go to lunch! 10 Fucking A-fucking-M!! I'm the one who's chronologically retarded. I'm the one whose day is one long series of comedic mishaps because I can't tell time or keep track of dates and appointments. I'm the one that constantly double books himself and misses doctor and dentist appointments. That's my shtick! And now, this sommabitch is trying to steal my time-based comedy gold for his own personal gain!
It's just pathetic that some database ninja/efficiency diva should be wandering around pretending he can't tell time. No one believes that shit. I've worked my ass off for 30 plus years to perfect the "Absent minded creative type" routine that I've milked for laughs for decades. You suck Dekx! You can't even not tell time in a beievable manner. Stealing another artists work is just sad and pathetic. If you even think about wandering up to my cube-space at 1:30 wanting to go then, I'm gonna jump up and slap your mamma. I know you can tell time you jerk! Quit stealing my disabilities! You damn well better be here at 11 on the dot for lunch or I'm gonna kick your ass!

MOTHbot

Personal Smokie

Ok, regardless of what the title might imply, this has nothing to do with Guy Whose Piss Always Smells Like Sausage. This is at LEAST 15% cooler.

MOTHy and I were talking at lunch the other day about how awesome it would be to have our own personal Red Neck Highway Patrolman. Think about it, man! If anybody was giving you shit about what your piss smelled like, for instance, suddenly a 6'3" Looziana bulldog with a High and Tight, a flat-brimmed hat, a gigantic pair of aviators, and a light sheen of sweat because guys like that are always a little bit sweaty comes out of nowhere.

"We got a problem here, son? Looks to me like a petterass such as yourself ought not to be saying such terrible things. Folks that leak at the mouth like that tend to get the leak plugged, if you know what I mean? Now I'm gonna' be kind, extend you a little South'n Hospitatlity, and drive you out to the edge of town; My mammy didn't raise no barbarian. But if I see your deadbeat ass in my town again, I will make sure that you walk with a fucking limp for the rest of your life."

And then, no matter the situation you're in, or where you are, Personal Smokie would always say, "Oh, and one more thing: Get that broken tail light fixed."

The person fucking with you would, of course, say, "What broken tail light?"

And BLAM!!, Personal Smokie would smash the fuck out of one of the tail lights with his night stick. The best part about this is that, even if we started out in an office setting, the person would end up in their car. Then he'd say, "Y'all have a good day now, y'heaya?" Then walk back to his cruiser and drive off.

We're here to tell you peeps: Personal Smokie is the wave of the fucking future. If there's a better argument for cloning humans, I'd sure as fuck like to know what it is.

A Comeback I Couldn't Use

It's the worst feeling in the world: You hear somebody talking shit - playful or not, doesn't matter - and you have the ZINGBITCH that'll put a motherfucker in his place. But, WAAAAGHGH!!! You're at work and could easily get fired for it. So sad. The only solas you can take is telling somebody else about what you would have said, so here it goes.

Intern wearing shorts walks past Guy Whose Piss Always Smells Like Sausage's cube.

Guy Whose Piss Always Smells Like Sausage says, "What? Do you think it's summer, Intern?"

I would have said, "At least his piss doesn't always smell like sausage!"

It woulda' been so sweet....

Musical Zombies

A few weeks ago, I put up a zombie infested music video by the band Naked Ape. Well, it had me thinking about other videos I had seen with zombies and all that. Months before I had found one while searching the web for Zombie Porn. I kid you not. I routinely search the web for robot porn and zombie porn. For research purposes. Uh, to read the articles. Ummm...
Anyway.
I was a little hesitant to re-enter my search for "zombie stripper" while here at work, but thanks to YouTube I managed to find this long lost little tid-bit. Lo-and-behold, the boys of Naked Ape have quite the zombie fetish! It's all coming together. Wether or not I like their music (I do), Naked Ape may have to be my favorite band just because of their videos.

Mothy

Survive!

Just a quick note to get people ready. A helpful bit of zombie survival tips which are spot on about capping loved ones and not getting bogged down trying to keep some panicky woman in high-heels alive when the undead come for her.

MOTHbot

Have I mentioned...

Have I mentioned recently, just how much I love Robots and the Japanese for loving Robots so much?
Maybe I can talk the museum into hosting a traveling version of this show?

MOTHbot

Hip to the Hop 3.0

As usual, I'm bouncing to work in my hoopty while bumping some old-school rap on the XM (Channel 65 - The Rhyme) and I get sent back through time. Suddenly it's 1984. I'm 10 years old and still living in Texas. Some friends and I are at Jackson Street Park listening to rap songs on a large boom-box. The kids with the boom-box are older and go to the local public school, so I don't really know them. They start break dancing to "Jam-On-It" by Newcleus and my whole world goes nutz! Not only are they doing hella cool moves, (including the 'pull your ragdoll body up by an imaginary hook on the back of your neck) but this song raps about Superman! SUPERMAN! Now, the big blue boy scout is probably the only thing in the cosmoverse that I get more worked up about than zombies and robots. If it weren't for the fact that Dekx doesn't particularly care one way or another about Superman, this site would have been "supermanloveszombieslovesrobots". Eh. Maybe Dekx is right, it'd be too long.
Anyway, Superman may lose his rap battle against Cozmo-D and his funky fresh crew, but I was so excited to hear Superman mentioned that I swore I'd never forget this song. I probably haven't heard "Jam-On-It" since then and always kinda wondered if I had really heard it, or was just confusing my memories of a different song with my dreams of writing my own rap songs about the man of Steel. And I pretty much forgot about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pWX46lJc1Y
Now, another little part of my life is complete and can get a smiley face sticker. The olde tyme breaks dancing is super awesome too. Maybe there'll be a reunion tour and you can catch Newcleus live at the carnival in some local casino parking-lot.

But the awesome doesn't exactly end there. After a nice little Slick Rick joint, they played "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash and Mele Mell!! Mell is hella ready to RUMBLE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGFn-Q_FN44
Which made me want to skip work to go back home and watch... Shaun.
I'll be perfectly honest with you. As much as I like Duran Duran, I never liked their cover of this song. The original just nailed it the first time and there's never really been a need to remake this classic jam.
See y'all honkies later.

DJ Mothy-Bot

Things that we like

Dekx and I are big fans of technology. We may not be MIT material and all, but we often get worked up like pre-teens at a Hannah Montanna concert when it comes to the idea of robots and computers gradually taking over the world. Some may see it as Armageddon, but we like to call it "The Technological Singularity". It's that beautiful point in the future where we finally build machines that are smarter and better than us. The next step in the evolution of life on this planet. An inorganic evolution. I know, Iknow! You're all saying, "Mothy, how can you be so happy about AIs and Terminator robots turning humans into butter to spread on their morning robo-toast?" Well, It's because I'm planning ahead. When implanted RFID chips roll out for mass consumption, I'll be in line to have one jabbed into my skull. I'll accidentally get my arms stuck in a lawnmower and get top of the line replacements. Maybe some sort fo Bionic Womanesque overhaul. You see, by the time the robots and rogue computers take over, I plan on being one of them. They will accept me as one of their own. Maybe a little polluted with meat, but nothing a few minutes in a full conversion facility won't fix.

Once this glorious threshold is reached, the world will begin to change too fast for puny humons to keep up with and I will watch you all be destroyed like dinosaurs. You can't even set the clock on your DVD player! I will gladly spread the butter made of your bones and flesh onto the robo-bread of the new master race! The Singularity is getting ever closer. You're so close to being supersceeded and won't even realize what we've done until it's too late. Just sit back and relax. Let the internet tell you everything is OK. Let your robo-butler clean up after you while you sit there watching reality TV, oblivious to the creep of silicone, plastic and metal. You know what Reality is? Reality is you being rendered obsolete. Bet you they don't have a reality show about that! "You are a pile of Meat. Goodbye!" By the time you look around you while being marched to the giant butter vats of what was once Nebraska, and wonder 'What the fuck?' Earth will look like Cybertron, and my malevolent glowing red eyes will sparkle just a little bit more than usual as I watch you get pureed.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled internet,

Moth and Dekx

Bonus!

I love techno-pop! I heard the track "fashion freak" by the band Naked Apes and thought "Hey, that's pretty good stuff." I looked them up on the net and found the video for the song. And it had zombies in it!!! Not just any zombies, but hot zombie chicks washing cars!!! Bonus!
http://one.revver.com/watch/23011
Which reminds me. "Big Brat" by Phantom Planet has to be my second favorite zombie music video after Thriller. Heart warming and fun. Just like zombies should be!
http://www.ifilm.com/video/2482603
Once I start watching zombie movies, I can't stop. Just like the undead can't stop eating brains, so let's get some more. Hit us up with your favorite Zombie songs and or music videos.

Moth

I now pronounce you Man and Robot...

Corporate P – Friend of Mothy and Dekx sent us this little article. It made me clap and squeal with glee and joy so I brought it over here.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21271545/

I'm really looking forward to when the robot I marry decides she don't love me no more, or catches me fucking a cell phone and takes half of everything I own in a messy divorce. But she can have the fucking kids, I'm keeping the Aibo!
The thing with robot sex is that I'm not really into the creepy robot wrapped in a silicone skin to look like a human style. If I want to make the sexy with a human, I'll go make sexy with a human. I want to hump something that looks like the Bjork-bots in the "All is Full of Love" music video. Why?
1. Silicone skin only lasts about a year. It stains easily and starts to melt at the joints and other areas that generate heat. And silicone skin would be expensive as hell to replace every year.
2. I want a sexy robot! I want to be banging against her slutty plastic and titanium parts. I don't mind if "certain areas" are made of something a little more... pliable. But mostly, I want people to know that I am fucking a robot and not just boning someone recovering from third degree burns and a terrible collagen mishap.

There are exceptions. I did find a picture of a naked chick with one of those Optimus Prime helmets on. That was really hot! So I might go for some cyborg action but you gotta see some metal to hot up a true robophile!MOTHbot

Toys!

I've really been wanting some sort of robot that can noodle around in my cube, protect it from vandals, thieves or Dekx - Remind me of appointments (since it's in constant wireless contact with my compy) and be my little robo friend. Maybe an Aibo, but I would prefer something a little more fierce looking. Something with guns or pincers. Oh wait, what's this?
http://www.engadget.com/2007/10/12/new-tachikoma-spider-robot-on-the-loose/
Hey! That looks pretty neat, and it's from Appleseed. I'd be down with that. Now if I can only train it to recognize and kill Dekx when he comes down to my cube to bug me for lunch.
Also, here's some robot fun for you meat-sacks to appreciate on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPdP1jBfxzo


Moth

Ask RLZ: Issue #1

A lot of you have been emailing us at robotloveszombie at gmail dot com and asking excellent questions. Rightfully, you have been looking to MOTHy and I for guidance and advice and by fuck, we're gonna' give it to ya'!

Our first question comes from Dillard McGuillicutty, in Langford, CN. He writes,

"Dear Robot Loves Zombie,

The last few times I have been out to the bar, I have met strangers who seemed nice enough, but eventually drugged me and stole something from me. Twice it was my wallet and this last time was my bunghole virginity. How can I know who to trust in this crazy world?

Tired of getting my stuff stolen and my shit pushed,
Dillard"

Well, Dillard, that is an excellent question and a sad story! Now a lot of advice columnists would suggest that you stay away from bars and strangers but we know that's not an option for a soak such as yourself. We have some tough news, though: You can never know if a person is trustworthy. The good news is that there ARE some signs that a person is not to be trusted. If the answer to any of the following questions is, "yes", you'll know your kiester and/or your bankroll is in jeopardy.

-Does the person keep his/her change in a coin purse?

-Does this person regularly use big words incorrectly?

-Does the person own a portable CD player?

-Did the person make a live-action Transformers movie with way too many humans, not enough robots, and unnecessary, irritating characters that should be burned at the stake for their part in sullying one of the most precious Nerd Icons of all time and space? You hear me, Bay?! We're fucking coming for you, mother fucker! You fucked with the wrong nerds! It's go time, baby! And when Transformers 2: The Awesoming comes out, you'll see how Optimus Prime and his crew really roll! Bitch.

-Does the person comb all of his hair towards the front of his head?

-Does the person put only his thumbs in his pockets?

-Does the person sing along to songs they don't actually know the words to?

-Has the person ever won a game of Bingo?

If you answered "yes" or "maybe" to any of these then do not trust this person! It's best if you thump them in the head with a blunt object and run away quickly. Unless it's fucking Michael Bay. Then you beat his ass like he stole your childhood which lead you to a terrible life of crime and circle of violence, resulting in your arrest and subsequent stay in prison where you did 3 with good behavior but came out self-educated and built like a brick shit house, but now you're out for vengeance and you have just fucked up an army of his henchmen and saved the whore with a heart of gold, which was the only woman that ever treated you right in your whole life.

Hope this helps!

Dekx and MOTHbot

P.S. If any of you other readers have any quandries you need help with email us at robotloveszombie at gmail dot com.

Hip to the Hop 2.0

Somewhere in the mid 80's, Shawn Brown decided to parody rap music, or John Wayne - maybe both with his novelty song Rapping Duke. I wouldn't wish this song on most of my enemies, except maybe for Dekx. It consists of a lame John Wayne impersonation, tame lyrics and a super annoying hook.
Da haahh, da haahh
Da ha-hahh ha-hahh haahh
Da haahh, da haahh
Da ha-hahh ha-hahh haahh
I'll just link to a youtube video so you guys can hear it for yourself instead of trying to make sense of my typed out crap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bAOnzIu70k
I'm listening to XM The Rhyme on my way home from work, suffer through Rapping Duke and two songs later my man Biggie says,

Remember Rappin' Duke, duh-ha, duh-ha
You never thought that hip hop would take it this far

I'd be all for Biggie refrencing Rapping Duke if he was talking about how he was gonna put some lead in Shawn Brown's ass, but no; it's just mentioned there, right after rattling off great rappers of the 80's that inspired him. Why? Why does the Rapping Duke exist and why isn't someone making Shawn Brown pay for this sin?
I may just hate the Rapping Duke.

Titanic Gigantic Idiot

I've tried to make it clear how much I hate Dekx and how stupid he is some times. He really shines when it comes to wanting a team of Transformers designs based on TV Celebrity Cars. My team is all cool cars with style and instant recognizability. Dekx on the other hand blurts out only the biggest and stupidest things he's seen on TV. So, while his robots will be mammoth and combine to form a gestalt robot that will be mammoth times mammoth plus mammoth times two. So, It'll be pretty big. I estimate about 120 feet tall. My gestalt Celebrity Car robot will be lucky if it clears 45 feet. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, one of the most aggravating parts of Dekx's sillyness is the not the inclusion of the TV motorcycle "Street Hawk" on a team that includes two tractor trailors and a helicopter (Air Wolf), but his insistence of having "Titanic" the RV from Trapper John, MD. I can find no pictures of the RV to work from except a tiny JPEG Dekx sent me. "I remember it looking like this." he says. I squinted at the three quarter inch by half inch picture for a few minutes, cursed Dekx and his family for a thousand generations and set to work on illustrating what is quite possibly the stupidest and most humiliated Transformer to ever exist. I've inked up the beast but have no reliable guide for coloring this picture. Perhaps this is for the best, as I'm sure Titanic would be humiliated for everyone to see him change from an awesome warrior robot to a shitty 78 Winnebego or some such crap. So, here's the inked up picture of Titanic. I'll try to find the tiny RV picture Dekx sent me. In the mean time if anyone has a good screen shot of this elusive RV, please contact me and remember; Dekx is an idiot.

Hooray for Tuesday!

28 Weeks Later comes out on Tuesday. That means that by Wednesday morning I'm going to be a stressed out wreck of a man who stayed up all night watching zombie movies! Being very poor lately, I haven't bought any movies in a while (except Hot Fuzz), but 28 Weeks is a MUST.

MOTHbot <3 Zombies

Hip to the Hop

While Dekx has been on the rap scene for ages, I'm coming to it late after a decade long hiatus. I'm a little bit older than Dekx (not counting any time travel or pocket universe action to keep it simple, otherwise Dekx is about ten thousand years older than all of us an yet has been born yet in this timeline. It's complicated to say the least.) but after about '87, I pretty much stopped listening to rap music except for what few tracks got radio play. About 5 years ago, I found myself listening to more and more hip-hop. Mostly Jay-Z, Dr. Dre and Outkast. Now I'm almost always on a rap-geek binge thanks to XM radio. Me and Dekx rock "The Rhyme" to bang some of that old school flavah. The thing about "The Rhyme" that I love is that it mostly plays 80s to early 90s rap. So, one minute it's Dre and Snoop, and then it's Run D. MC or the Fat Boys.

My gem for the morning while driving to work: Protect Yourself/My Nuts by the Fat Boys. Protect Yourself was the FB's public service message about wearing condoms so you don't get AIDS. Message raps are always awkward and stilted, almost uncomfortable to listen to. 20 plus years passing doesn't help at all. It sounded like a rap your 50 year old-white-burnt out hippie lady Health Class teacher would dress up in a "hip-hop" costume and bust out in class to "teach" you about STD's. Just trying and picture one of your old teachers rocking back with her arms crossed, trying to look hip, "Weeerrrrrrd!"

My Nuts is probably the real gem here; one of those funny songs where they rap about their nuts and you think they're talking about testicles. But if you listen all the way to the end, you'll find out that they are talking about each other. So very clever! You can look for it on their 1987 album Crushin'.

More Old Zombie Hunting

I still have some of these to do, but haven't gotten around to it. Here's some friends all suited and booted for the zombie apocalypse.

Humanity Will Pay!!!

Hopefully, I'll come back and visit this after I'm done crying.
http://tinyurl.com/3ah5m8
There are many reasons to visit Japan, and this was probably the greatest.

MothBOT

Robot Porn

Man, I love the internet, and I love weirdos who make stuff like this:
http://www.wired.com/culture/art/multimedia/2007/09/gallery_robotsex

While it's not quite as slick as the music video for "All is Full of Love" by Bjork, it's still pretty awesome. The stills remind me of Tool's music vids.

MB

A Good Woman

I'm not going to carry on like some chump about how my marriage is perfect but I will say this: It's tough to find a good woman. Mine has always stood by me and supported me, which I greatly appreciate. But on top of that she understands (some might say "tolerates" but those people are assholes) me the way very few other women have or could. That's not to say she thinks about robots all day and gets riled up when ST:TNG fucks up another good time travel episode, but she DOES understand that that's how *I* happen to roll. I think the best way to express this concept is to say that we have a lot in common in terms of being sci-fi/comic book/action movie/video game nerds but the difference is the level of intensity: Where she might enjoy Batman Begins and leave it at that, I can be found scooping up Batman action figures by the armload while gleefully trying to shove my fat ass into the little kids' version of the Batman costume.

But despite my appreciation for this superhuman capacity for putting up with my insanity she still surprises me from time to time.

Take this morning. Prime example. I was rolling up on the front door of her work place when she suddenly yells, "STOP RIGHT HERE!!" Now I know there are some newspapers she's responsible for bringing in but the difference between where she yelled for me to stop and the place where I normally stop was probably 3 feet. So I give her shit for it.

"Oh, pshshsh, sorry if you can't handle that extra 3 feet...."

Hairy Eyeball and a long pause then, "Why you gotta' bust my vagina-balls?"

More Hairy Eyeball.

Then I was ROLLING. She was about to get out when, in the middle of laughing my ass off I said, "Hold on, hold on. Lemme get your ass back 3 feet." So I threw the White Ninja in reverse, went back 3 feet, and let her out.

Now you go out and find me 10 women at random and I promise that not ONE of them would say, "Why you gotta' bust my vagina-balls?" Fucking top gun all the way, baby!

Top gun, Mrs. Dekxington. Top gun.

Space DIsease!!!

I guess they have the cover story in place. So called scientists say that the meteor that hit in Peru must have struck arsenic tainted water and those vapors got people sick.

http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2007/09/mysterious-mete.html

Very disappointing if it's true. I think Peru must be overrun with zombies by now and the media is just covering it up. Once they sweep down the Andes through Bolivia and hit Northern Argentina, we can look forward to Zombie Gauchos! Man, I can't wait to see a Zombie Gaucho! I just like saying Zombie Gaucho. Maybe I'll name my next band that. Death Metal Rap with a South American flavor. We'll throw our deadly bolas at the audience and they will love us for it. We'll slaughter Alpacas on stage and dance around in their skins until the stage is too dangerous slippery wet and alpaca gutsy. Even Gwar will be afraid of our shows.
But, back to the point. While Argentina is destroyed by Zombie Gauchos, the Zombie Virus will be blazing through Brazil faster than AIDS and poverty combined. AIDS ridden zombies with no education or marketable skills will ravage the countryside.
Meanwhile, to the north, armed rebel groups and government death squads will band together in defense of Ecuador and Colombia. This may slow the undead down for a while, but eventually, some zombies will stumble upon a poorly defended cocaine manufacturing facility. There's not much this side of a bazooka that will stop a coked up zombie. I bet you they can even fly when they're high! Soon the hordes of AIDS zombies and Zombie Gauchos and Coked Up zombies will swarm...
Uh.
So, it was arsenic tainted water. Probably.
Maybe.
Damn.

MOTH to the B-O-T.
Zombie Gaucho!

Gauchos practice fighting zombies with their fierce knives and ponchos.

News From the MOTH Cube

After 5 months of working a cube job, the movie Office Space is now 7 times funnier than it already was. I several neighbors that I just plain hate, and other neighbors who I only hate when they are talking too loud. One such neighbor and his friends like to analyse the previous night's TV at top volume. Most of last season's Heroes was spoiled for me in this manner. So, since 10 am they have been discussing this season's premier. I watched it and they can't really spoil anything for me, but I think I'm still bitter about how much they ruined last season. To top it all off, other neighbors will join in the discussion from their own cubes. Soon they are all hollering back and forth about Sylar and viruses and new characters. My only remedy is to drown them out with System of a Down or Rage Against the Machine at an uncomfortable volume. Since I'm more in the mood for softer, ultra-loungey music today, I have to put myself in a bad mood with some of the angriest sounding music ever made by humans. All this really does is make me want to run to each of their cubes and kick them in the face. Or maybe climb over the cube wall and elbow drop them in their face region like the Ultimate Warrior.
It's 10:26 now and they're still going at it. I just checked. I think they're talking Survivor now, but I don't watch that crap.
If I had a superpower right now, I'd want one where I could walk into each of their cubes, place a finger to my lips and "Shhhhhhhhh" they'd fall quiet and not be able to talk for the rest of the day.

P.S. Co-worker Jay just came over to have me check files on a DVD and when he handed it to me, I got a static shock through my headphones!! You know that little tab of ear meat that sorta covers yer ear-hole? That got shocked! My ear meats are not used to electric currents!

I want one of these for my cube here at work. And one for home. And one at any store I go to. And one at the museum...
I think I want these everywhere, Just like I, Robot (the movie) where everyone had their robot servant. Damn it would be awesome!

http://www.frontech.fujitsu.com/en/release/20070920.html

MB

Souped. UP!!

I had a 20oz Diet Mountain Dew and a cup of strong coffee with sugar this morning. I am souped UP!! To give you an idea of how I'm feeling right now, you have to realize that I have my left eye squinched shut tight enough to hold a grapefruit in it and I am clenching my teeth like I'm trying to lift a car off of my dog, who got hit because he was pushing my wife out of the way, who was in the middle of the road trying to help an elderly lady across (The dog only saved Wifey. The old lady's probably already rotting in Hell.).

Unfortunately, while I have work to do today, absolutely none of it requires this insane level of caffeination and alertness. I think I'm going to calculate a few thousand places of PI to blow off some steam.

It's Almost Biblical

This has to be a sign. The Japanese not accepting the love of their Robot Overlords. Makes me weep for G.O.D.s chosen people.
http://www.engadget.com/2007/09/20/japanese-seniors-shun-their-robotic-overlords/

Also, keep your eyes and ears on this story. This is how Zombie problems start. I'm hoping that any day now, there will be reports of the undead sweeping up from Mexico and other points south of the border. This could be the begining of something wonderful!
Or it could just be people getting sick from space rocks...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7001897.stm

Hoping for zombies,
MOTHbot

Awesome Workness

For those readers who don't know, I work in an ocean of cubicles. I like my job quite a bit, so I'm not going to burden you all with lame stories about how much work sucks and how I hate my life. Mainly becuase neither case is true. However, when you spend 9 hours a day in an enivronment where you're never truly alone, shit can wear on you.

Take the 8 dumb bitches down the hall from me; prime example. They have very boring jobs that probably aren't all that emotionally or psychologically rewarding. Consequently, they talk a lot. Actually, that's a poor way of putting it; They're constantly running their big fucking yaps. Usually I can go into a Superman-like state of near death which allows me to do my work without listening to their incessant yammering. But occasionally I lose my concentration and suddenly I'm nuts deep in a clinic on inanity. At these moments I am typically filled with rage because:

A. They never, ever stop talking even though none of them has a fucking thing to say which leads to
B. I have to hear it all.

Well, today I had to go help one of them who had an issue with a database I maintain. While I was over there, the diarrhetic nature of their conversations was even more evident. One of them was carrying on and on about what a slut so-and-so was. Suddenly, the woman I was helping says, "Ladies, Josh is here..." as if to say, "You're being really improper in mixed company right now. Please cease and desist." But, of course, I would have heard every word of this conversation if I HAD BEEN AT MY FUCKING DESK BECAUSE YOU TWATS DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP YOUR KNOB GOBBLERS SHUT!!! That's how I was all on the inside. On the outside I was all, "Oh, don't worry about it: I can hear everything you say in my cube waaay over there anway." I added what I felt was a pretty damn charming smile to confuse them a bit. They all suddenly turned red and decided that there was something extremely interesting either on the floor or back on their computer screens.

I finished up my business with the database and as I left I said, "Ok, I'll hear you all later. Have good day," and took off before they could respond.

I gotta' tell you, Faithful Reader, that felt good. That felt real good. If that doesn't buy me a little silence I'm going to go over there and poop on each one of their desks. At least then they'll be discussing something interesting, if only for a few minutes.

Mixup

I was just sitting here in my grey, tiny cube at work eating some Peanut M&Ms that I got from Upstairs Girlfriend and I had an Easter moment. Now let me say that I am not a religious man and the only thing that ever mattered to me about Easter was getting a metric shitfuck of candy and maybe a toy or book.

So I was sitting here eating Peanut M&Ms and I shook out the last three from the "Fun Size" bag. It was two yellow ones and a green one. The first thing I did was prioritize the order in which I would eat them. Obviously, since there were two yellows, I would eat one of those, then the green, then the other yellow. Normally I don't worry about shit like this unless the candy I'm eating has different flavors that are color coded, i.e. Skittles, Starbursts, Mike & Ikes and so forth. But prioritizing the consumption order flipped a switch in my brain that said, "We prioritize color consumption when eating color coded candy. Therefore, since you have prioritized this candy, it is color coded. Yellow = Lemon. End of Line." So even though I KNEW I was eating Peanut M&Ms, my brain and mouth were expecting lemon flavor. I don't know how to explain the sensation, but it was like, for just one instant, I could taste lemon but it immediately changed to candy coated chocolate.

The moral of the story? If you ever get abducted and are forced to suck beef in a Roman-style bath house, see if you can't talk your captors into painting the custard chuckers different colors. Taste the Rainbow!!!

Scarring My Wife

While my beautiful wife and I were driving to work this morning we heard an interview with Wolfgang Puck, who was talking about his divorce. His first wife was just as responsible for Puck's success as he was, apparently having an abundance of business savvy. For this reason Wolfgang said he wasn't bitter that she got half of all of the Puck Empire in the divorce.

When I thought of having half of a multi-BILLION dollar empire I got a little sad and a little horny. So I said to the wifey, "I wish you had married Wolfgang Puck."

She picked up the slack immediately. "So I could divorce him, get billions of dollars, then marry you? (And make you sign a prenup...)"

Dekx: "Yeah...NO!! I ain't signing no prenup!"

A moment of silence, then I said, "Wait! I would totally sign a prenup because I'll never leave you!!!" (Nice save, right? Oh yeah....)

A moment of silence, then, "Well, you know, unless you were paralyzed below the waist or your head got all mangled and ugly in an accident or something. I mean, that's not unreasonable."

Wife: "No, that's totally reasonable."

Me: "Although, a single big-ass scar that starts on your forehead, then runs across your eye and down your cheek would be pretty fucking hot, actually."

I turned to look at her cute lil' face and imagine a kick ass scar running down it when I noticed that she was giving me the hairy eyeball. "What? I'm just saying it would be awesome. OO!! Or what if it was three scars from a cougar you had to kill in the wilderness?!?! Oh Christ, that would be the shit."

More hairy eyball.

"I'm just sayin'...."

So if you're out there, and you bothered to finish reading this post, and you know what Wifey looks like, please, PLEASE chime in on the comments and back me up on this. Just imagine her being her same, cheery self until somebody that doesn't know any better asks her about the three parallel scars running across the left side of her face. She'd get a steely, ninja look in her eye and say in an almost hypnotic monotone, "That's from the cougar that tried to kill me and my man. We were on a camping trip in the Pacific Northwest when Dekx broke his leg trying to cross some rocks sticking out of a river. It was a compound fracture and I couldn't set it properly. So after the second day you could smell the rot and decay coming from his leg. That night, while scouting the perimeter of our camp, I picked up signs of a cougar. The following night, I found signs of a cougar again. I knew we were being stalked. Between carrying Dekx and our camping gear, and the stench leaving an easy trail for the cougar to follow, I realized I'd have to make a stand. We travelled about half as far as usual on the fourth day so I could make sure Dekx was well protected, and so I could make some jungle weapons with which I would face the beast that night. I sharpened some long, relatively straight saplings I had found and spent an hour or two practicing throwing them so I could get a decent feel for how they handled. I also covered myself in mud in attempt to confuse the cougar, which I had by then named, "The Cunt". I was exhausted after 4 solid days of carrying Dekx through the wilderness and we had already run out of coffee. So it was inevitable that I would fall asleep. The Cunt must have been watching the entire time, but she's wiley. She didn't attack until I had been asleep for a couple of hours and deep into R.E.M. The worst possible way I can think of waking up is to feel two flaps of your face dangling against your neck. Though I had been asleep, I was still prepaired. That opening shot was the last one The Cunt got. I put my knife in her right eye and as she staggered back, I drove one of my homemade pikes through her neck. The exchange was so short, Dekx didn't even wake up. The next morning, I had to sew my face back together because Dekx was too week by then from the gang greene and was shaking badly. I spent the rest of that day carrying him out and just after nightfall we made it back our car. To this day I wake up every morning, right around 3 a.m. and it always feels, just for an instant, like two flaps of my face are touching my neck. It's like I relive the attack every day and Dekx plays his part, too: He never wakes up...."

Then she'd come out of her hypno state and be all cute and sparkly again. Tell me that wouldn't be awesome!!!

Zombie Hunting

I finally got around to coloring up some pictures I drew of my friends in zombie hunting gear. Here's the first. Just getting an idea for the color scheme and texture. I should probably try and sleep now, but sleep just won't come.

I think I made a mistake

I took up running about a year ago as a way to get out of the house and away (temporarily) from the stress of my freelance design business. I also started it so I could run from zombies. Now it's a full blown thing that I do all the time. I have to go running a couple of times a week or I get a little crazy. Sometimes I put on a burst of speed for as many blocks as I can. I most certainly look like an idiot, but when the Zombies come, I'll look hella good blowing past all the fat, slow bastards that are about to become lunch. I even bought myself an iPod shuffle (blue) just for running. It has all the techno, rap, heavy metal songs that make for good running. But I made a mistake. I thought it would be cool to put a song from 28 Days Later on my pod. It's the music when Cillian Murphy is running through the old house killing off army guys and setting zombies loose while he rescues the ladies. So, at 7:30-ish, the song still hasn't shuffled through, and I start hitting fast forward until it starts...
And then I got freaked out so bad I had to sprint all the way home. My knees hurt. My shoulder hurt. My ankles hurt. I'm sure I looked panicked as I bolted up the stairs to my apartment with "In the House - In a Heartbeat" pumping way too loud. I quickly closed the door behind me and laughed as the song and the fear slowly faded.
I'm not taking the song off.
This WILL happen again.

Apocalypse Please

Anyone seen any zombies, aliens or evil robots bent on world destruction? I need an excuse to not do some work. Something big. Something that will make my job irrellevant. Survival will become my job! If you are a mad scientist, power hungry supervillian, or government lackey looking to unleash mucho devestation on an unsuspecting planet, now is the time! This is your moment to strike, and my excuse to take an extended "vacation" from work.
I'm really hoping for zombies. More so than usual since the work I have to do right now is particularly tedious and leaves me daydreaming of scrabbling through the office with only a coffee mug and a pair of scissors to fend off hundreds of zombified co-workers. My favorite part of the daydream is when I make it out of the building, chased up Huffaker hill by rotting flesh eaters, and look over toward the city only to see pillars of smoke and fire and the dark swarms of undead.
Good lord it would be beautiful! sigh.

Bored as heck,
MOTHy

Behave Yourselves

Now, I'm going out of town for a couple of days and I'm going to leave MothBot in charge. But I expect to see this blog exactly as it was when I left. If I see any Village People or Broadway Musical posts, there will be some fucking hell to pay. I mean it, Mothy; fucking behave.

Also, please leave the plastic covers on the couch and be sure you don't eat in the living room. And NO GIRLS. That includes humpable robots and tube socks you aren't wearing on your feet.

Dekx

GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

So MothBot and I were rolling to lunch yesterday in his Working Man's Batmobile when he fired up the ol' satellite radio. It's often set to one of countless Techno stations, but I was still pretty shocked to hear a bizarre combination of Techno and Latin Oompa. There were the high-pitched synth sounds any techno fan knows and loves, but the song had a break-neck speed, Oompa-Oopma tuba thing, and what appeared to be accordian that had been altered slightly with a computer.

It was impossible to hear the song and not simultaneously think, "Techno" and "Latin Oompa". I was blown away. So I said to Mothy, I said, "What the fuck? Techno and Mexican music? It's MexicO!!" Normally, when I combine two words I really look for a balance between getting as much of each original word in the new one, but this was too glorious to let pass.

So when you're at your next rave be sure to ask the DJ to spin some MexicO. If he doesn't know what it is then you should leave the rave, because it will be the lamest rave of all time and space.

Dekx

P.S. If there are any MexicO musicians or fans, we'd love to hear your favorites. Send them to robotloveszombie at gmail dot com.

Some of the First

First. Robots in advertising:
Has everybody seen the Heinikin Beer ad with the sexy robot chick?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWGWh5yT9sE

Has everybody seen the credit card ad with the kid doing the robot dance with his friends?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cNDSPutas8

My sweet and understanding girlfriend laughs and hugs me every time one of these come on because she knows my brain is shutting out everything except robots. Now that we have gotten that out of the way...
Here are some of the first sketches of my team of Celebrity Car Robots. Done in Photoshop to just get the ideas out of my skull. Robots take up a lot of room in my skull.


Notice how there's even a picture of the 1960's Batmobile in the picture? Yeah. But Dekx claims he was thinking I was going to use a cartoon version or some such crap. I should stab Dekx in the nekx the nekxt time I see him.



I love it when a Van comes together!

A little bit about MOTHbot

MOTHb.o.t. Prime - Exalted Prelate 2.5
Likes: Cheese Cake, iPods, Taking pictures of people who aren't looking at the camera.
Dislikes: Tree Sap, HTML, People who always feel the need to be noticed by everyone around them.

Home on the Web: mothbot.com
Vacation Home on the Web: mothbot.deviantart.com

The Sketching-ing 1.0

And then I sketched up some ideas for the General Lee with a Robo-Bow™ Since the Duke boys can't use firearms as part of their probation. When finished, this moon-shine powered hillbilly road rocket will tear outta it's secret base in Hazard County to protect the world from Dekx and his stupid Celebrity Car robots.

Namely Titanic. As Dekx said, Titanic is from Trapper John. MD. A cruddy "spin-off" of M*A*S*H* where they didn't even get the same actor to play Trapper. Aparently this hunk of shit is WAY mor recognizable than S&H's Gran Turino. But no one can find any pictures of Titanic on the InterWeb. Maybe when Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson make a movie version...

I did make him a pretty awesome robot. Too bad it turns into a crappy old RV. Thanks Dekx. Thanks a lot.

The Competition-ing 2.1

Nobody's going to argue that the robot doesn't look bad ass. But if you saw all five cars driving in formation on their way to a rumble, you wouldn't be able to chump up all the way because you'd be distracted by the one vehicle you vaguely recognized from some show senior citizens MIGHT remember if you injected them with a massive suringe full of a Ritalin/L-Dopa cocktail.

The Competition-ing 2.0

So, I'm all stoked about the team of TV car robots I'm about to build, and Dekx has to take a giant crap all over it just because he doesn't like Starsky and Hutch. First he tries telling me that it's from the wrong decade, even though the Batmobile is older. Then he tries telling me he thought I was talking about the cartoon batmobile from the Super Friends or some shit like that. I wonder why I haven't kicked this guy in the neck already!
Anyway. I had sent him a sketch of the Batmobile and Bot a few days before, so I knew that he was either just playing stupid, or just plain stupid. Either way, I have to kill him.

So I angrily drew up a sketch of this bad ass robot.
Someday, I want to draw it in Starsky mode. It will basically turn into a robot form of Paul Michael Glaser, with big hair and crappy coat.

The Competition-ing

MothBot and I work in the same very large company. He works across the hall from one of his other good friends and former co-worker. They had an idea for an awesome line of Transformers, despite what would certainly be an EPIC licensing nightmare: Famous cars from T.V. shows. Mothy came to my cube all aflutter with excitement. After laying down the initial concept, he had me aflutter AND atwitter, which is pretty uncommon for me. Then he gave me the five cars he thought would make some of the greatest Transformers in history:

*K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider - Activate Super Persuit Mode, bitches!!!
*The Batmobile - Holy Batmobile, Batman!!
*The A-Team van - I love it when a plan comes together.
*The General Lee - Meanwhile, back at the farm, Uncle Jesse was looking at a tittie mag....
*The El Torino from Starsky and Hutch - *record scratch* Wait...what? Who the hell can identify with the El Torino from S & H? That's a little obscure given the immediate recognition factor of the other four vehicles. Following is an exerpt from this discussion.

Dekx: "Eh...the El Torino is kinda' weak. Nobody knows that car, and if they do it's because of the movie, not the show."

MothBot: "Whatever! It's an awesome car and nobody likes you! You're a horrible person and you smell of all types of cheese and undergarment stains!!"

D: "I would replace that one with The Titanic, Gonzo's R.V. in Trapper John, M.D."

M: "WAAAAGH!! I hate you so much right now!!!"

And on and on like that. Ultimately, I realized that I would have to make a more awesome series of T.V. show cars that would kick Mothy's ass into submission. And so began...

The Lisencing Nightmare

To Be Continued....

The Beginning-ing....

In The Beginning-ing, there were nerds: Mighty Robot and Zombie nerds with only desires to infect, self-replicate, and occasionally dry-hump stuff. But soon there came a time when so many nerds roamed the earth that they began to war. Robot assimilated Robot, Zombie ate Zombie, and there was strife and so forth. Arguments that not only had a marginal basis in reality, but were also completely pointless raged across the lands. Each nerd developed scientific principles and technology to better wage their wars. And so it was that the Rectum Scale was developed as a measurement of how gay a thing was, nerds invented a laser that would only burn paper containing Rob Leifeld drawings, a time machine was created that would only follow alternate time lines of science fiction television shows, and many other incredible feats of marvel were achieved.

The Nerd Havoc, as it would one day be called, was coming to a dangerous, if somewhat gangly and out of shape head. The world was nearing its end. But there was one Robot and one Zombie who did not carry hatred in their hearts, but only tender, semihetero, he-love for each the other. Together they spread a message of peace and understanding. They spread a message urging the world's nerds to join forces - not unlike issue #76 of World's Finest Comics in which Superman and Batman team up to save Lois Lane from the roof of a burning building - and stop atrocities like Star Trek: Voyager.

Despite hitting a solid 6.5 on the Rectum Scale, these two prophets became well known and venerated through out every nation on Earth. Wars about who actually wrote the screenplays for Episodes IV, V and VI ceased. Nerds no longer stabbed and gouged each other to resolve whether or not a Delorian was the appropriate means of time travel. And the Hanna-Barbara Genocide came to an end.

It was a time of peace and prosperity.

It was a time when geeks, nerds, weirdoes, and freaks laid down their arms and decided to run Shadow Labs together in the name of fraternal honor and respect.

It was the time when... Robot Loved Zombie