Sunday, February 15, 2009

5 things I've learned from touching myself...
1. MY LOVE-SOCK DOES NOT CARE THAT I NAMED HER LOLA: My love-sock does not care about me. Neither does my fantasy girl. In secret she mocks me to other guys' fantasy girls. Tell no one about the dreams of shaved mastiffs in latex body-paint. They will not understand and it will scare their dogs.
3. THE WANG IS SIMPLE EQUIPMENT: I do not need a chick to swirl her tongue, lick my thigh or talk dirty. That's gravy. An up and down motion is all that is required. This is why men do not read themselves poetry when they rub one out.
4. BETT MIDLER IS NOT SEXY NO MATTER HOW LATE IT IS OR HOW STONED I AM: There are certain things that are not erotic. Nasal surgery. Ground-glass enemas. Weak coffee. Ground liver and peanut butter shakes. Virgins who are determined to stay that way. Dentists. And Bett Midler. All of these are negotiable, except Bett Midler. She is to arousal what Galactus is to a small planetoid. This is still true while watching her on cable.
5. IF MY PANTS LOOK TIGHT, YOU SHOULD DUCK AND COVER: Waiting for the appropriate time to slap your ham is for sucks. I will do it when I want to do it and all you need to do is get me a paper-towel and a bottle of OxyClean.