Friday, July 25, 2008

Doo'Doo Doo Doo'Doodleooh, Dooooo Doo

Peep the sexy shoes. I got these just over two years ago and wore them about three times then promptly forgot about them. Today I found them in the bottom of the entryway closet and realized that they're awesome all over again.

So I'm in my Umps Whicky ONE shoes today. Don't be surprised if I bust out any number of the Four Elements of Hip Hop on your cracker asses. I may bust a rhyme, I may bust a move, I may bust out my beat box skillz, or I may bust out some ill turntablism to your dome. I may do all four, mutha' fucka'!

Queue Dr. Dre's Dre Day for these bitches, Mix Masta MOTHbot.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

MOTHy Goes To The Dentist

So MOTHy went to the dentist today and as a result one side of his head is all floppy and soggy-like on account of the Novacaine. When he told me this I immediately had a day dream in which we got him a hockey helmet and went to Busch Gardens and used his newly attained Retard Status to cut to the front of the ride lines. Naturally this would be portrayed to the audience as a Buddy Montage with lots of shots of MOTHbot getting ice cream and the mustard from his hot pretzel all over his face, accompanied by Queen's You're My Best Friend. There would also be a scene in the montage where he rubs his face in a hot girl's tittays but she's totally ok with it because he's retarded. Then I get a turn just so I don't feel left out. Then we're doing the Eiffel Tower on the chick and she's trussed up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

Man, if only MOTHy were actually retarded;
He'd be so much more fun!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Cheering Up

I have had an unbelievably infuriating day because people seem to have all accidentally been labotomized last night. People that aren't completely stupid are doing completely stupid things. It's pretty amazing that it's all happening on one day.

PLUS I can hear some irritating dumb cunt from the next department down from us not just popping her bubble gum, but apparently blowing that shit up with a cherry bomb ever 15 seconds or so.

To cheer myself up, though, I'm going to share with you all a revelation that occurred to me last Friday while taking the ol' pissaroo.

I dunno if ladies can see their pee stream but us fellas have nothing better to do during the ol' pissaroo. If you pay even a little attention to it you'll see that it comes out spinning, as though the wang were rifled. This really never sparked anything until Friday when I suddenly realized that it had to be the Coriolis Effect. That's what makes hurricanes spin clockwise in the Northern Hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere. But it works on my dick and piss, too! AWESOME! Plus that means if I were to pee in, say, Antarctica, my piss would swirl in the opposite direction it currently does. I wonder if that would hurt or feel different.

I wonder....

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being married is tough all over, even in Chakakahnistan which has some of the most liberal relationship laws on the planet. Gender and race are so yesterday! The Nation-State-Church-Corporation of Chakakahnistan fully embraces relationships with robots as well as the undead and is always looking for ways to improve your love life. To help you further enjoy your indefinite servitude to your spouse/master, we present the official Anniversary themes for subjects of our beloved Nation. Whether you slave away here on Earth, or have pioneered the far regions of newly acquired Planet Baracus, you may find much joy in these annual themes.

1 Year- Monkey (anything simian will do)
2 Year- Unobtanium
3 Year- Turn-tables
4 Year- This anniversary is forbidden. Just skip it.
5 Year- Subliminal (Buy Spend Kill)
6 Year- Robot
7 Year- Go to Year 14
8 Year- Olde Tyme Radio
9 Year- Stigmata
10 Year- Coffee
11 Year- Techno Music
12 Year- Left Ear
13 Year- Death Star
14 Year- Go to Year 7
15 Year- Christopher Walken
16 Year- Quantum Mechanniversary
17 Year- Agnostic
18 Year- Anniversary of the Living Dead
19 Year- Hip-Hop
20 Year- Quarantine
21 Year- Optimus Prime
22 Year- Meat Helmet
23 Year- Ninja Star
24 Year- Ol' Dirty Bastard (The rapper, not the lifestyle)
25 Year- Munchausen Syndrome (They can't leave you if they need you)
26 Year- Shooting Spree with His and Her Tinfoil Hats
27 Year- Suicide (It's the best gift you could give your mate!)
28 Year- Loudly Singing Songs You Don't Know The Words To
29 Year- Beating Off While Quietly Weeping in the Shower, Sad and Alone, Wondering Where It All Went Wrong
30 Year- Church State Republic of Chakakhanistan Incorporated Flag's Mythical Creature: The Body of a Unicorn and the Head of Chaka Khan.
31 Year- Dutch Oven
32 Year- Stockholm Syndrome (Are you a spouse or a hostage?)
33 Year- Large Pants
34 Year- Heisenberg Uncertainty-versary Principle (Where is your spouse and how fast is he moving?)
35 Year- The Taint
36 Year- Walkie Talkies!

50 Year- Bruce Springstein
75 Year- Kryptonian
99 Year- Anni-fucking-versary- Tmesis
100 Year- Cosmic Space Baby

That should get most everyone started. We'll fill in where needed. Remember: the penalty for not following these themes is death, re-animation and re-deathing.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

n00bta(that should be an "at" symbol but Blogger won't let me use it)rd (Tmesis)

So I develop and support databases for my company. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 active databases and 300+ users between them. Whenever people have problems I always get the person straightened out and happy, then I make sure the issue is permanently resolved so I don't have to continue dealing with it. That keeps me happy as well as my customers. On the whole, I enjoy this aspect of my job.


I do have to deal with what many interwebs-savvy people might call a n00bt@ard (pronounced "Noob Tard"). It's a term used to denote that somebody is both a "noobie", meaning they don't have any technical skillz and a retard. While noobtards are almost always my biggest source of irritation, they make for good stories. In the past I had to deal with a woman who was trying to drag a file from Windows Explorer to a Browse box to attach a document in an Internet Explorer web page. Another woman didn't know that the Reply All button even existed in Outlook, much less what it does. Those women are two of my biggest noobtards but neither really compares to the third noobtard in the n00bt@rd God Head.

Today she emailed me and said, "My database doesn't work, can you halp?"

Me: "Maybe. If you tell me what database you're talking about."

NT: "The Such and Such Research One."

Me: "Ah, well try reinstalling it using the attached file."

NT: "I ran the file and it still doesn't work. What should I do?"

Me: "How about starting with WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING!!! Did the installation file fail? Does the shortcut not appear on the desktop? Are you getting an error on open? Are you getting an error when running a specific report? Are you getting an error regardless of what report you run? Is your fucking computer on fire? Is your vision just blurry from all the goddamn paint chips you ate as a kid? Or does your Fetal Alcohol Syndrome prevent you from thinking back to the fucking THOUSAND OTHER TIMES I have helped you troubleshoot a database and realizing that "It doesn't work" doesn't tell me shit about what's wrong?"

I see now why IQ tests focus primarily on the ability to recognize patterns. All of the stupidest people I have ever met can't seem to get past "2 +" to seal the deal. What boggles my mind, and more importantly enrages me, is that these mother fuckers not only hold jobs in real companies like mine, rather than mopping spoo at a porn shop, they stay alive! They manage to get dressed, not get run over by trucks, not to shower with their plugged in hair drier, or jump into tiger cages at the zoo.

Man, I love my job...