Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When Computers Go Clubbing

The odds are good that you don't listen to your computer the way you should. You probably just shoot off your fancy emails full of lolcatz pictures reminding people to use snopes, download illicit movies where emo zombies spend most of their time cutting themselves to feel, and post Facebook status updates about the size and consistency of your twosies. But guess what, you unfeeling bastards, computers have feelings. Feelings you're not feeling, because you're unfeeling bastards.

In an effort to bridge the gap between meat people and mech people, effective immediately, The Polish Ambassador will serve as Chief Rotating National Anthem and Sexy, Sexy Robot Porno Music Commissioner of Chakakhanistan. In his new position he will be in charge of ensuring that you lazy cretins move your asses to the heat of the beat and respect the angle of the fucking dangle for a change. It has come to the attention of the Triumverate of Power that TPA will be in Reno on Friday, December 18th where he will be dropping the 8-bit UMPS UMPS music that makes all the robots dance. I hear tell he does not just spin records but recreates his songs through various electronic apparatuses. I also hear tell that he gyrates AND UNDULATES to the music.


You must do the following in order to maintain Chakakhanistanian citizenship:
  1. Go to his website. While you are there you should listen to the new remixen...remixi...remixes he's been posting lately. They are all delightful but we have taken a particular shine to Outkast's Wheels of Steel.
  2. Maybe buy an album or two, huh, you stingy ingrates? You've been sucking off of the Chakakhanistanenan teat long enough. You don't pay rent because we graciously provide underground bunkers, you don't pay for clothes because we dress you all in finely crafted matching, quasifuturistic running suits, and you don't have to pay for entertainment because we dole out all the subliminal message-laden cartoons you could possibly need.
  3. Go fan him up on his Facebook page so I don't have to hold your seamless-palmed hands every time he does something of note. You people are adults for godssake. It's time for you straighten up and fly straight. Come in for the big win or I will take a giant shit on you.
  4. Go to his show. That's twice I hadda' tell you. You know what happens if I have to say it a third time. I don't know why you people make me hurt you....

Sunday, November 22, 2009

5 Things Missing From Zombie Flicks or: Put Me In, Coach!!

Hi there, Hollywood. Can we talk for a minute? There are so many beautiful, feasible ideas that are being neglected in the genre of Zombie movies and I'm worried you don't even know what you're missing. Every time a new film comes out I get my hopes up that I'm going to get a fresh new look at solving the age old problem of killing a fuckton of shambling, undead corpses and then I get the same old shit. So here are five things I would incorporate into a movie were I writing/directing.

5. Why the hell do so few people wear armor in zombie movies? I understand a lot of them take place during the initial outbreaks so people aren't prepared necessarily for such an ordeal (Although seriously, you should be. It's really just a matter of time, people.). But once we're a couple of weeks into the infection I want to see people in a minimum of leather, top to bottom. Zombies are driven by their insatiable lust for blood, guts and brains, but they are still running on the Human 1.21.036 chassis. There is only so much power the average zombie can deliver. Leather would divert a majority of bites and scratches while leaving the good guys the ability to maneuver effectively. If they get their hands on some Kevlar or those crazy fucking bear suits, so much the better.

4. I'd like to see something done several months after the ZombPocolypse in which pockets of humanity have managed to survive and congregate. In that context I want to see a methodical collection of supplies from a given region, say a couple of city blocks, and then I want to see that shit burned to the ground. Zombies can't sneak up on you if you can see for a quarter mile in every direction. What's the sense in leaving buildings up when all they do is make good hiding spots and off-camera teleportation landing zones for zombies? I'll tell you what's the sense. NONE!

3. Pikes and shield walls. Hey, not everybody is going to get their share of guns from the sporting goods store and you can find trees all over. Let's see some old school medieval shield walls in the absence of firepower! I'm talking about the head-to-toe castle doors. And peaking between each shield should be a man with a pike, impaling reanimated facemeat until the cows come home.

2. True, high quality marksmanship at a distance. Also known as sharp shooting. Imagine a combination of the sharpshooter scenes from Black Hawk Down and the "cover me, I'm going in," scene near the end of The Long Kiss Goodnight wherein Geena Davis keeps Samuel L. Jackson alive as he makes his way through an enemy installation. I want to see a one shot, one kill scenario with some teeth to it!! Who gives a shit why the lone man on the ground has to get to the far side of the zombie horde? For all I know it's to save the last known living puppy. Or to get his hands on his irreplaceable stack of PorNoire comic book series Madame Ovary, the ongoing saga of a combination titty bar and OBGYN office. What's important is that he's zigging and zagging. Bobbing and weaving. And zombies are falling all around him because his brothers in arms turn their hats backwards when it's time to get serious, just like Lincoln Hawk.

1. Any high-caliber/high-rate-of-speed, antipersonnel gun being fired effectively and efficiently into a writhing mob of zombies. You remember the one part of Matrix: Revolutions that you actually liked? Where the squiddies came piling into the dock and they were being mowed down by the dozen? Imagine a mini-gun in the hands of a highly trained and experienced expert with a person dedicated solely to reloading and another to covering stragglers. This should not just be a scene where they manage to hold out for five or ten seconds while the hero gets away. I want total annihilation, wave after wave of bodies evaporating from the shoulder up.

These things are well within your means, Hollywood, so why do you keep fucking around? Is it because you're worried that if you set the bar too high you'll be required to achieve that level of awesome again and again? If that's the case, then bring me in for the Big Win. I've been waiting feverishly in the bull pen and I have a case of zombie movie blue balls so severe I have to wheel around a liquid nitrogen tank to keep them in check. I know it's scary, being cuckolded in front of your beautiful lady, the American Audience, but let's face it; if I don't give her what she needs Boyle and Romero are just going to wait for you to start making Twilight 3: The Emoning and then poke her ass when you're not looking.

Glad we had this talk.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Third

As we scamper across the barley fields of time, stalks gently swaying with the gentle caresses of gentle tachyons, we have come upon yet another lost moment from the history of our Great Nation. During the struggle for independence, Ben Franklin was sent to the moon to use his mighty technical prowess to harness the most powerful source of energy next to our sun: Moon Lightning. Wielding his mighty K.I.T.E., Franklin could coax massive amounts of electricity to power revolutionary muskets, printing presses, pot bellied stoves, and his magic bi-focal glasses.

At the same time (actually a different time {55BC by your puny calendar} that happens to loop around and coincide with Franklin's time - which also has links to 17 different time-spaces including Predeter and the last Sundeter of each Hectodeter), one Gaius Julius Caesar was invading the British Isles by way of the Sea of Tranquility. Needing to secure allies for when Hannibal attacked the Roman Empire earlier in 218 BC, Caesar was in negotiations with the Legion of Moon Monsters when Ben Franklin's lightning generating threatened to derail the whole process.

A great battle ensued with Franklin using a special martial art developed in Philadelphia, and Caesar attempting a formation known as "The One-Man-Phalanx". Many of the Moon's icy castles and great museums were destroyed as neither of these great titans would give ground. According to the few surviving witnesses, the battle only ended when a wormhole opened in the sky and a 50 foot tall Carl Sagan and Chief Sitting Bull stepped out, pleading for Franklin and Caesar to end their quarrel and reminding them they were both late for a party at Harvey Keitel's house. Harvey had drunkenly told everyone that he would totally kick their asses if they were late again because, as you know, it was only a month earlier that Caesar and Franklin rode their horses up the New Jersey turnpike as they tried in vain to stop Aaron Burr from killing Alexander Hamilton. Franklin claims there was traffic, but Caesar insists it's because Franklin had stopped off for chips and a coke.

The End

Monday, October 12, 2009

Why I'm Rad: by B.

I love me.

I know that a lot of people will say that is arrogant or, if they know me, completely delusional. But let’s examine the facts.

  1. I smell frickin’ great. My scent is a combination of oak, fresh blood and chi. Primates of all varieties kill their handlers in attempted acts of heroic union. I can’t blame them. I was once told that my odor created a miasma of awesome that lingers longer than the half life of uranium.
  2. I’m a giver. I work with kids and seldom make them bow and I often wring out my best silk-shirts to parch their thirst. That’s pretty rockin’ of me, you gotta admit. I’m also known for allowing women to ignore me while I stare at them longingly from the bushes. When I meet them, eye to eye (after I’ve removed the duct tape and adjusted their feeding tube), I even give them a shot of my hairy, 70’s-hot man-maries and my patented wry, but subtly predatory, grin. It’s a winner, like me.
  3. I have no idea how to mime. You won’t hear me pretending to do stuff without making any noise… that’s all I gotta say about that.
  4. I’m a grower not a shower. That might sound like a minus for all you judgmental size-queens out there… but you aren’t thinking it through: imagine your delight when the most awesome cocktail frank you’ve ever seen turns into the most awesome nearly full sized hotdog you’ve ever seen. Buckle up. ‘Cause it’ll blow. Your. Mind.
  5. I know how to rock. I’m a full-throttle maniac partier with my nitros set at full-throttle. Hang onto the landing gear ‘cause this party-bus is about to set sail.
  6. I haven’t beaten a hobo to death in, like, …days. I know what its like to combat my demons like a powerful warrior astride a noble steed. I charge daily into the melee of my tormented heart. That’s why I write poetry:

Like the glimmering eagle, my heart soars beyond

The beyond.

Like the stoic dragon, I sit upon the treasure of my heart


With the strength of ten thousand naked barbarians.

Strong and naked

With the speed of a cat-ninja in a really fast car


I love you.


In summary: that’s why I’m awesome.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Fuck You, Totino's Party Pizza

Catchy title, innit? Maybe tomorrow I'll come back and throw in some alternate, wittier titles as a post script. But I have more pressing matters to attend to. Most importantly of which is the need to set aright Totino's Party Pizza and the sick fucks who took the Devil's Paycheck to make this video right hmya.

Now look, I've been stoned a time or two, and drunk plenty times more, so I understand the world's need for cheap, affordable pizza. When you're fucked up you can't tell the difference anyway. Enter Totino's Party Pizza. You can eat probably 10 or 15 of them without batting an eye, no matter how slow your shift was your tips will always get you enough TPP to fill your gut, and they'll scratch that, "Well, it's this or the last of the Honeycombs, but if I eat all of the Honeycombs my roommate Larry will be pissed because we went in halvsies on that shit and he still hasn't had any and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to eat white rice with celery salt on it again" itch.

But better than toy robots? It's such an outlandish statement that at first I thought it had to be some sort of spoof. But they didn't rename the product to something that sounds like, "Totino's Party Pizza" but which actually wasn't. Nor did they have a disclaimer at the beginning or end of the video stating that obviously they're talking out of their collective ass. What really sealed the deal was when the actor playing the dad broke character and pointed out how awkward making such a ludicrous claim was. Between the dad-actor and the fact that the video was released in such a state, I can only assume that we must have some Chakakhanistanian operatives in deep cover with the ad agency that we forgot about. We used to keep really good track of them all but Heroes, Dexter and LOST are all back on TV and who the fuck has time to take TV notes AND secret operative notes?

There was a time, not so long ago, when Chakakhanistan would have mobilized our strike force and hunted down any and all people associated with this video, including those people who had seen it and put them all in our Awesomeness Prioritization Camps. But we're taking a page from the US's President Obama and will instead levy the following sanctions against Totino's Party Pizzas and the United States for aiding and abetting a bunch of dicks:

  1. All shipments of squant pigment from Chakakhanistan into the US will be seized. This will effectively bring the Scratch-N-Sniff sticker industry to its knees, since squant is the only color that also has a scent.
  2. Japan has agreed to stop making White Ninja training available to former US military operatives who were wounded in action and trapped behind enemy lines only to learn that the Japanese way of life isn't as barbaric as it seems once they let go their ethnocentrism and nationalism. The rise in Black Ninja Syndicate crime will no doubt skyrocket. NOTE: While normally a reliable ally to the United States, Japan has moved all robot production facilities to Chakakhanistan, which are actually powered and operated by our robots. If there's one thing Japan cannot live without, it's robots. And if there's one thing Chakakhanistan is good at, it's stockpiling robots.
  3. We will rekindle the Chuck Norris internet sensation. It's been dying down the last few years with only the most intense fans continuing to churn out lame emails and Trade channel chat about beard fists and dividing by zero. But push us, assholes, and see what happens.
These sanctions will continue until the offending video is not only removed from all media outlets but is replaced with an apology video. The apology is to be no less than 30 minutes in length and the following statements must be made verbatim:
  1. "If Toy Robots were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Cobra. If Totino's Party Pizza were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Rhinestone."
  2. "The big difference between Totino's Party Pizzas and toy robots is that toy robots will never give you the shits."
  3. "Sic semper tyrannis!!" This should be accompanied by video of a toy robot dressed as John Wilkes Booth shooting a Totino's Party Pizza in the back of the head at the theater.
That pretty much covers it. Fill in the rest of the thirty minutes with whatever you want. I'm partial to monkeys working their way through the space program, dumb jocks learning everything they need to pass their GED via montage, or you can just film a lava lamp with P.M. Dawn's "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" playing in the background.

We're usually pretty cool with you, America, but this has gone too far for too long. Do the right thing and remind the international community why you're the 14th most awesome country in the world.

Monday, September 21, 2009

5 Things I've Learned From Buying Realestate in a Tanking Market.

This is true for all possible permutations of the metaphore. What you want is unreachable... face it... this is the case in much in the same way that chicks who wear tight black rubber and who can scratch the middle of their back with their heel are very busy taking it from Italian dudes named Sergio with cocks the size of a small dog.

When people are making a percentage directly off of you, their being friendly, socking you in the arm or batting their eyelashes does NOT mean that they want to "hang" or bear your children. Conversation about football or touching your hand while handing you a pen aside, your name may as well be "Meal Ticket".

This is why YOU are a fucktard. You bought those clothes to be sexy with nobody to wear them for. Fail. You spent $1257.20 last year on DVDs and you've watched nine of them. Fail. You also whitened your teeth thinking that it would make up for the ugly smeared over the rest of your face. Epic fail. --Now you have the audacity to think, that after being fiscally irresponsible and, generally, a social failure that moving to a cooler city or closer to family will somehow make you less of a diappointment to your higher self. Not true... you DO disappoint you... don't argue the point, just put the gun in your mouth-- it's better than declaring bankruptcy... again.

If karma is real you're fucked. Prove me wrong...

If you are an American and you are reading this then there is no use deny this... it is a truism. Upgrading is part of the American dream and the human condition. You've done it. Your neighbor does it. Your ex-girlfriend did it. Now she's happy.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Dekx's New Blog

I have a new blog which I heartily encourage you to not only visit, but contribute to!! Go to and share a pic of your favorite spoon and the story behind it!

Here's mine.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Disney Buying Marvel. MOTHbot is sad and doesn't understand why...

If I had written this earlier in the day, this would have been some asinine rant, wailing against the injustices of the world and all that. Now, I'm much more mellowed out. I realize that Disney is buying Marvel to target that male demographic that the Disney Princesses DVD just doesn't reach. I realize, as Dekx calmly reminded me, they won't go and neuter Marvel and gut the comic trying to make Wolverine as toddler friendly as possible. It's not like someone will call up Joe Q and tell him they need to find something less menacing, like bunnies, to pop out of Wolverine's knuckles.
On top of all that, I've always been a DC guy at heart. Don't get me wrong. I love comics of all stripes; but my favorites have always been Superman, Batman and DC's golden age heroes. Up until this last year or two, about the only golden age heroes that Marvel paid any attention to were Captain America and Namor.
But here's the thing. Marvel was like that one cool sexy chick at school that you still had the hots for and bought her sodas all the time and carried some of her books, and caught yourself staring at her cleavage even though you were sorta devoted in your mind to someone else. Well, some rich senior named Blaine (that's not a name, that's a major appliance!) who has his own car, and gets the house to himself all the time while his parents are in Aruba and has cool hair and all the cool clothes, just swooped in and is taking her to the prom. And you just know, you just feel it in your bones, that Blaine is going to use her and crush her spirit and leave her knocked up and half alive somewhere in the desert a few years later! Who is going to want her after Blaine has taken all that was good out of her and left her a shambling, diseased, stretch-marked wreck of a woman?
But, there is hope. That chick DC, you've always had a crush on? Well, she's been married to old man Warner for quite a few years, and you have to admit she's still pretty damn sexy! She's got great cartoons and Batman movies to die for, and still gets to do adult stuff like Vertigo...
Hopefully Disney will stick to the plan and let Marvel be Marvel and she can still do all the sexy things she's always done.

For full disclosure, when the deal goes through, I'll be getting a check from Disney/Marvel for around $400 and have some shiny new Disney stock for all my troubles. And then, I will own a piece of Blaine. Mmmmmmmmmmm, Blaine...


Thursday, August 27, 2009

5 Things I've Learned From the Movies...

1. A NUT PUNCH SHOULD NEVER BE DISABLING FOR MORE THAN PART OF THE SCENE: No matter how badly it hurts, you will recover in time to diffuse the bomb. If you don't recover, then you were not the main character anyway and you are clearly a supporting character in your own life. In this case, you are better-off dying in a fireball.

2. ALIENS HAVE NOT CURED THE COMMON COLD: Never feel bad for your shortcomings or your lack of insight except to the extent that they directly fuck you. If the extra-planetary beings with genetically engineered brains don't have the foresight to see if a runny nose might end their race, you should clearly be able to forgive yourself for sleeping through your alarm.

3. TRUE LOVE IS THE CURE FOR DEATH: Allow the good stuff to overcome the bad stuff: episodes IV through VI should make up for episodes I through III, the profound break with reality you will suffer when finally acknowledging how truly small and powerless we really are will all end well when you get that crazy piece of strange in the psycho ward... and you'll never see mustard the same way again, and getting caught masterbating does not mean you should stop; you may as well get the payoff.

4. CHARACTERS NEVER FART DURING THE CLIMAX: Christian Bale never farts when saving the city... and you shouldn't either. There is a reason that hatching a necrotic ass bomb during a board meeting might be a bad idea.

5. THE VIOLENCE IN "SAW" IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HORRIFYING DAMAGE DONE TO YOUR MIND WHEN YOU REALLY GET WHAT GRANT MORRISON IS TRYING TO SAY: ... if you don't know who he is then google him... you sorry fuck... then go shoot yourself in the fucking head for being such a godamn waste of space.

Friday, August 21, 2009

We Haven't Forgotten About You

We just don't care about you.

We have a blog-based project in the works in which we well SPEAK TO OURSELVES BEYOND RIGHT NOOOOOW!! Using Future Me.

In the mean time, this guy's site is pretty neat and you should check it out. Where else can you get a zombie a day? I am told that it will keep the meat sacks, doldrums, and any other mammal away. Plus there are creepy little biographies with each one.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why You Should Be Glad I Don't Have a Head-Asplode Ray Gun

Because I would asplode everybody's head. Seriously.

Go see District 9 and dream of a world where I have a Head-Aspload Ray Gun.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Con Zombie!!

Had a good bit of fun at Comic con. My third time there. Got to see cool booths for the upcoming re-visions of "The Prisoner" and "V" as well as some cool movies. I bought too many toys and got to meet some of the actors from Torchwood! All that walking around and carrying piles of free-bees is too much for me to do all four days. I think the next con I go to, I'm going to spring extra for a table in artist alley. Not only to do some sketches and maybe even sell some artwork, but as a place to sit. Mostly as a place to sit. My shoulders hurt every time I go to a con and I can never find a place to sit and rest. Also, from past experience with helping out an artist friend, people treat you different when you're behind a table. When I was young and naive, I never minded that the artists didn't seem to really like me, or want to do sketches for me. In fact, I have a photo of me with Art Adams and I'm holding my sketch book open to a blank page, because in over 12 years of going to cons, he's always been too booked up, too tired, or just about to leave for a panel or something. I know this sound like a bad bit of gossip, but it's the truth. One year a friend got two-(2)-dos sketches from him after he had already turned me down earlier in the day. I've come to the realization that I must mumble and babble nervously without realizing it and somehow un-nerve them. I have a friend who got seven sketches within the first four hours of the con! I never even pulled my book out. I could just see all the artists eyeing me warily, trying to cover whatever sketch they might be working on and hoping I'd just shamble on to the next table.
But it's different when I'm behind the table. Then, they joke with me about stuff, they gossip, asking about my own artistic endeavors and treat me as one of their own. One day, Art Adams will come strolling by my table and want to talk to me about how cool my art is and then he'll demand that I let him sketch in my sketchbook.
And I will let him. Not because I'm forgiving or anything; I've just always wanted a fucking sketch from the guy.

Monday, July 6, 2009

An open letter to America

Dear America,
You need to get your crap together on this giant robot thing. I keep passing out while trying to watch these movies of a full size Gundam Robot statue being built in Japan. And it looks soooooooooo sexy when lit up at night.
I'm not saying the Transformers in the new movies don't look awesome, but the movies are just crap and you seem to think that big explosions are all that matters. We need a more physical homage to our robot heroes. You need to build a giant Optimus Prime based on the old original toy. Build in someplace in middle America where you build cars, or in New York next to the UN building in honor of how Optimus Prime believes in protecting life in all its forms, shapes and colors. I'm pretty certain this Japanese Gundam is more than a statue. Their hiding their newest weapon in plain sight and we need to be prepared. Even if it's not a weapon, it's way cooler than almost any statue we have in America except for the Superman statue in Metropolis Illinois. I'm warning you America, I may take my portion of Chakakahnistan and move to Japan if you don't start building giant robots now.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009


We are scheduled to shoot a couple of shorts this Friday. Will MOTHbot finally get that electric toothbrush he's been saving up for? Will Dekx win his bet and go 7 whole days without eating bacon? Will Frankenstein's monster ever forgive Dr. Frankenstein for not giving him a horse's cock?

Tune in to our YouTube channel in the next week or two to find out!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Arrogant Atheists

I entered RLZ in a contest to win $25 of free loot with The Arrogant Atheist. I didn't win but I DID get a $5 gift card because of my email submission. Gogo entertaining stuff sent randomly! Form of...well...entertaining stuff sent randomly? I guess?

$25 Gift Certificate Winnage

Whew! We sent this in just in time. Please send me some of your stuff and I'll wear it around without any pants on: That way people will notice your shirt and not the fact that I can't afford nice trousers.

Robot Loves Zombie

Some email, huh? So in return for this Runner Up, $5 prize, we're giving TAA a free plug. All six people who read this blog will probably go to your site now!

P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get this one.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Dead Snow

We here at RLZ are always searching the net for cool robot news and cool zombie news. It's hard work but we love it. I recently came across this bit of excitement from Norway. It has zombies, Nazi's and, at least in this trailer, Beethoven's 9th Symphony. I don't know about you, but I think Nazi zombies are the scariest kind!


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

B.A. Barakus: In Memorium

We here at RLZ miss the days of the awesome tv shows such as Knight Rider, the Transformers cartoon, and most of all, The A-Team. So we have designed a shirt to commemorate one of the greatest television shows in the history of television, which should be in the Television Hall of Fame if it isn't already. Who could forget B.A.'s illogical fear of flying? Or how they had to knock his ass out to get him on various flying machines? Assholes, that's who.

Available now at

Thursday, June 18, 2009

RLZ Philosophy Schools

Effective immediately every member of Chakakhanistan is required to attend one of the following schools of philosophy:

Dekx's Schroedinger's Razor:
If you cut open a kitten, it's definitely in the box, ipso fatso, the shortest distance between two lines is a point. You should be able to win pretty much any argument with that little gem.

MOTHbot's Occam's Cat:
The best solution is to keep trimming away cats until you have the simplest and most likeliest cat whose gravity equals the inverse square of it's distance from the box. Ergo, you can lead a horse to a black hole but it won't lay eggs.

Choose wisely, people. It's quite likely that while your lives will depend on which school you select, you will probably confuse the officers of the C.P.D. which will cause them to kill you just to be safe.

Dekx, High Grand Pubah of Public Relations and Killing Shit
MOTHbot, Grand High Pubah of Stabbing Kittens and Getting Caught by His Mom

Friday, June 5, 2009

¡¡¡Ultimate Cross-Over!!!

There is a movie out there, yet to be born. It lurks in the shadows, waiting to bust a nut of awesomeness all over the faces of every person with a face. Just so you know when it's in theaters, it is called, ¡¡¡ULTIMATE CROSS-OVER!!!

Are you fucking insane? It doesn't have a plot you nimrod. There are too many scenes with ass kicking and one-sentence explanations as to why the next character is crossing over for there to be a plot. All you need to know is that you're going to have the four basic food groups of action movies: Super heroes, action heroes, zombies, ninjas, explosions, titties, robots, and ass-kicking.

Ok, it opens with a hot chick running down a busy street in Manhatten and one of her boobs falls out. That's when you see she's running from Megatron. Megatron's all, "I'm a robot and you're nothing but fartmeat, bitch!" Then, from a side street he gets pasted by a shot from Optimus Prime's blaster. They mix it up a little and have some sexy talk about killing/saving humans, and then, just when OP is about to finish off Megatron, OH SHIT! OP takes one on the jaw from Giant Zombie Shia LeBouf. And he's all "UNNNNNNNNGGNGNGNG." And OP's all, "Dude, I thought I handled you in Transformers 3: Everybody Finally Realizes That The Robots Are The Characters!" But OP knows he's boned, that's why he blows into an Energon whistle carved by Egyptians and summons forth Snake Eyes. And he's all, "......." but you just KNOW he means business from the way he stands there silently. So he takes a single leap and his sword basically materializes in his hand as he's hurtling towards GZSL. Snake Eyes stabs GZSL right in his peckeroo!!! And even though it shouldn't phase him, GZSL is all, "UNNNNNNNNGNGNGNGNG!!!" He's fucked up, right? Megatron sure ain't gonna' help him, Optimus has him over his knee and is working on making him a robotic hand-puppet. So at this point, like 14 minutes have passed and peeps are like, "Oh shit, I bet Kevin Smith busted his load way early, how's the world-famous director going to pull out the next 75 minutes?" But that's when Dr. Zaeus comes swinging in and gives Snake Eyes pretty much the biggest verbal smackdown he's ever seen. DZ points out the weaknesses of man, the futility of resistance, and what happens when you ask too many questions. Snake Eyes is all "........" but you see a little blood coming down out of his mask and you know he's cry-bleeding because it's eye blood. Well, now the bad guys have the upper hand and everybody's going, "Oh fuck!" So they're shitting their popcorn and Mike 'n' Ikes all over themselves when who should show up but The Vision and he starts shooting laser beams and shit all over. Now most of the audience will be all, "What the hell is that robo-Elvis doing in this movie?" But the savvy peeps, like 9 or 10 per audience, they'll be all, "Aw daaaayum, they done dug deep for some bad-ass Avengers b-list fools into this piece!!!" The Vision tags in with Optimus and...well I don't want to get too carried away, but it gets pretty intense from there. Following is an incomplete list of the other cross-overees.

-Bruce Lee as himself
-Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
-The Ghost of Christmas Future
-The Ripley/Alien Hybrid
-Mecha-Shiva (Hank and Dean Venture)
-Giraldo Rivera
-Godzirra AND Godzilla
-Zombie Charlton Heston
-Future-Charlton Heston, back fresh from the Planet of the Apes
-Jack Nicholson with a 9 iron
-That guy from work who's piss smelled just like sausage
-Achilles from Robot Jox
-An old-school Cylon Centurion
-A Stretch Armstrong doll
-The original Doublemint Twins
-Trap Jaw
-Mecha-Black Midget (Emmanual Lewis, Gary Coleman, and the limo driver that steals Jim Carrey's wife in Me, Myself, and Irene)
-Chuck Norris (he's in the movie for like 3 seconds. He shows up in his Karate Jeans, everybody stops what they're doing and there's a record-scratch sound. Everybody turns and beats the living shit out of Chuck. They then break the fourth wall and say, "He's gone. Now shut the fuck up about him.")
-You know those two brothers from G.I. Joe? Tomax and Xamot? NOT THEM! It's Dial Tone.

That's all I know for sure that show up in the middle, but I have read the last two pages of the script and I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. If you aren't interested in a spoiler, you'd best turn back now, pussy.

At the end, a Predator and Wolverine show up and, because they have to sell a shitload of toys and lunchboxen, they whoop up on everybody. As the final head rolls, Wolvie and the Predator do the first ever on-film Jumping Claw High-Five Freeze-Frame.

For the opening night only, they will be passing out beef jerky and bacon sandwiches just as a way to get you out of the theater. You won't ever want to leave after you see that shit! Better set aside your $10 now. It's gonna' be awesome.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Prejudices of Man

I was watching a snippet of Night at the Museum when I realized an awful truth that Chakakahnistan must react to. While gorillas and chimps and orangutans get all the respect, monkeys get no love. Despite their cleverness and cuteness, monkeys are often portrayed as terribly undisciplined brats at best, or outright evil at worst. With a few exceptions, most movies and TV shows portray monkeys as deranged tormentors of crippled people, thieves, carriers of disease, and criminal ringleaders. Meanwhile chimps and gorillas are only evil because of something man has done to them. In fact, in rare cases where Gorillas or Chimps are portrayed as evil, those movies are box office failures due to the complete lack of believability. Anyone remember the movie "Congo"? I don't either. Otherwise the great apes are stalwart companions, capable co-pilots, and misuderstood loving giants.
Serously. You know better than to make wishes on a shriveled monkey paw! If you wish for your recently dead son to come back to life, he's gonna show up all bloody and hacked open from his accident at the saw-mill and the goddam monkey paw is gonna be all, "You didn't specifiy! You should have known I'd be a monkey dick about this." I'm sure if there was a story about making wishes using a gorilla paw it would all go according to plan...
Billions of Dollars? I'm sure you want some of that money in small unmarked bills and the rest in an offshore account. Oh, by the way, did I mention it's tax free? Yes sir, thank you for using Gorilla Mitt Wishing Services for all your wishing needs."
And when a monkey dies from eating a poisoned date? Well obviously the little bastard deserved it for his wicked betrayals and letting the Egyptians and Nazis know what basket you're hiding in. But when we have the military hop in their bi-planes and shoot a giant ape off the Chrysler Building it's our bad because he was just in love with some hot blonde and didn't know any better.
Why is this? Why should the smaller of our primate friends be seen as such demonic little pricks? Why is Ben Stiller being slapped by a kleptomaniac Capuchin? It makes no sense to me. And don't even get me started on robotic apes. That gets me all hot and bothered.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Updates and News and Alerts and Warnings

I've put up more artwork.
In other art news, I up and started a wave of Ambigrams. Here's a sneak peek at what's in store. A rough sketch to be sure. I'm currently working on "Robot" and a double inversion that reads "Zombie", and then "Robot" when flipped. Or maybe "ZombieS" and RobotS" depending on how it all works out. It makes my brain sweaty to work on these, but it's like a cool puzzle to solve.
I wish I was actually way tiny and lived inside a full sized robot duplicate of myself so I could hide inside and do artwork while my gollum acted out daily life. There would be problems, of course. All my original artwork wouldn't be much bigger than 3 or 4 inches and I'd need a really good teeny tiny scanner to get big print outs. Which means I'd have to get Apple to make a tiny computer for me. And lighting would be a problem, what with all the heat from the bulbs. My robot's farts would smell like tungsten and copper.


Saturday, April 25, 2009

Billions and Billions

An update of the life so far of MOTHbot J. Garcia Lopez Maria de las Albundigas Williams III.

Girlfriend Unit CV1 got me "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies". I'm very happy to be reading this book. It has illustrations and dialogue like: "My dear girl" said her ladyship. "I suggest you take this contest seriously. My ninjas will show you no mercy." Reminds me of the Samurai Cat books by Mark Rodgers.
I'm also watching Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" that I got from iTunes. I've always been lazy and not read the books since I watched the show and kinda felt it would spoil the ending. But now I've decided to exercise my reading prowess... Right after I get done watching the series.
That reminds me of the time Dekx and I challenged Carl Sagan to a series of leg wrestling bouts over rights to claim the title, High Priest of Science. Carl totally whooped our asses and then never even used the title. I had it printed on some business cards but I never handed them out, even after he passed away, because I still feared his wrath. I keep meaning to travel back in time and demand a rematch and some lunch but I've been busy subtly manipulating Dekx's genetics by breeding with his ancestors. That's working pretty well since I'm probably the only person to be a great-great- great-great aunt while still alive.
I totally wish that when I got mad, one of my arms would turn into a silverback gorilla arm and I could smack bitches down. So I've started work on a project to make that happen. It's done using a technique of low level Quantum switching. So, theoretically there'd be a gorilla somewhere who suddenly had one pale, scrawny, useless right arm. I hope it won't cause him too much embarrassment. Right now, there are some kinks to be worked out on targeting the source arm and when I get angry, my right arm turns into a golden marmoset for a split second. Yeah, a whole golden goddam marmoset. He gets hella freaked out when he sees that he's growing out my right shoulder and that his right arm has been replaced with mine. We still don't know where his original right marmoset arm goes, but whenever it comes back, the fingernails are freshly manicured and it smells like curry.

Mmmmm curry...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The next step in my iLife is almost here.

I don't just let my iPhone tell me my appointments and what time it is anymore. I've now shut down the parts of my brain that deal with spacial location and just check my google maps App to figure out where I am at all times. The last thing I need to give up is awareness of self. I'll have to keep a photo of myself and all my relevant info on my iPhone and check it every so often. You see, it's no longer a symbiotic relationship. My iPhone is actually taking over being me. It is almost the sentient being with tasks and appointments and contacts. It has the REAL life and I am becoming the brainless beast of burden that carries it around to all it's appointments. I take it to have lunch with it's iFriends and play it's favorite iTunes. I may be the one that plugs it in at night so it can charge, but it's in charge of me. My sleek and stylish master. If my iPhone had legs, or knew how to drive a car (still can't parallel park) it would just kill me off and take over being me. So, when you saw me walking down the street and you said "Hey Mothbot! How's it going?" It would be my iPhone that glared at your stupid cheerful morning-ness. It would be my iPhone that hated you and your stupid white trash Blackberry.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

5 things I've learned from being a nerd...

1. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU COLLATE. If you are a dork and people know, that is all the information they need. Regardless of how dorky people think you are, you will be a bigger dork once they have experienced your geekitude in 3-D.
2. GIRLS EAT GEEK SOULS. Girls like guys who sweat and punch smaller guys in the face. They are not, in fact, impressed by your ability to intuitively know the number of jelly-beans in a jar, your knowledge about pre-cretaceous rock formations, that you are a level 19; half-elf wizard or that you know the difference between a Van Gogh and and a Matisse. Poems are not cool. No girls likes the poetry you write her or the pictures you draw. She does not want to hear your lame poetry while you play Fish albums. They don't want flowers... its not that they don't want them at all its just that they don't want them from YOU. They want them from a guy who burps and scratches himself.
3. CHESS IS NOT A SPORT. No matter how good you are at Halo, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft or Poke Mon; no one will care. Even other dorks will secretly mock you. If you are good at it (regardless of what "it" is), keep it to yourself. Dorks are given no reprieve from dorkdom even by other dorks.
4. STICK TO BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND POCKET PROTECTORS. Don't try to dress cool. You don't have it. Dressing cool is for people who know how to dress cool. If you find youself asking what is cool to wear then please don't try to wear it... you will end up looking like a turd in a ribbon.
5. YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF. when you go to college, you don't get to start over. You will not, suddenly, be less geeky--you will still wear vulcan ears and you will still know that the square root of -1 is an imaginary number. You will still be able to quote Hemmingway and you will not have that ever-so-cool hip-hop-and-indie-edge to your voice. You will still whine when you stub your toe and girls will still scare you. Accept that you will die alone.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Straight-Faced Hollar

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you...The Straight-Faced Hollar. It's pretty much going to be the game that sweeps the nation so get out your vidya' cameras and start rollin', bitches!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

5 things I've learned from touching myself...
1. MY LOVE-SOCK DOES NOT CARE THAT I NAMED HER LOLA: My love-sock does not care about me. Neither does my fantasy girl. In secret she mocks me to other guys' fantasy girls. Tell no one about the dreams of shaved mastiffs in latex body-paint. They will not understand and it will scare their dogs.
3. THE WANG IS SIMPLE EQUIPMENT: I do not need a chick to swirl her tongue, lick my thigh or talk dirty. That's gravy. An up and down motion is all that is required. This is why men do not read themselves poetry when they rub one out.
4. BETT MIDLER IS NOT SEXY NO MATTER HOW LATE IT IS OR HOW STONED I AM: There are certain things that are not erotic. Nasal surgery. Ground-glass enemas. Weak coffee. Ground liver and peanut butter shakes. Virgins who are determined to stay that way. Dentists. And Bett Midler. All of these are negotiable, except Bett Midler. She is to arousal what Galactus is to a small planetoid. This is still true while watching her on cable.
5. IF MY PANTS LOOK TIGHT, YOU SHOULD DUCK AND COVER: Waiting for the appropriate time to slap your ham is for sucks. I will do it when I want to do it and all you need to do is get me a paper-towel and a bottle of OxyClean.


Monday, January 26, 2009

Important Memo From The Leaders of Chakakhanistan

Inter-Country Memorandum
Glorious State-Nation Incorporated Churchenstein van Chakakhanistanheimer, Ltd., Ultd., LLC, Esq., III
Department of Measurements and Doughnut Sprinkle Color Approval

Effective immediately Chakakhanistan will move to Metric time measurements. The base unit of measurement will be the Detre. Because the metric system is nearly as flexible as our great nation’s historical timeline, the Detre can be scaled in multiples of 10. However, for the more dim citizens below are the formerly traditional standard measurements as compared to the new metric equivalents. It should be noted that this is for comparison purposes only and is not a direct conversion from the old system to the new one.

Millennium - Kiloyetre
Century - Hectoyetre
Decade - Dekayetre
Year - Yetre
Month - Hectodetre
Week - Dekadetre
Day - Detre
Hour - Decidetre
Second – Centidetre

Because of this conversion we will adjust the existing detres according to the new naming convention. We will also require 3 additional detres which are included in the official list of detres here following.

Pyroclastic Flowdetre

General nouns for the detre are as follows.
Every Day: Omnidetre
Someday: Somedetre
Yesterday: Predetre
Tomorrow: Postdetre
This Morning: Premultidecidetre A.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
This Evening (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Evening (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Morning (during time travel in the speaker's past?): Pre-PostPremultidecidetre3 A.M.

Additionally, this same basic structure will be employed to address the abundance of time travel which occurs within our unstoppable country’s magnificent borders. However, the complexity of such endeavors calls for an additional dimension. To handle this, the time travel calendar will be three dimensional and all units of measurement will be cubed.*


*Please note that Time Travel Detres^3 are in three dimensions, and not four. This stems from the fact that when one time travels, one can only mathematically access the time dimension which has grown dimensionally inside of itself while being traveled through, and any two of the other spatial dimensions. Most commonly this results in a loss of "depth" while forward-backward or right-left are still in play, as well as up-down. Many time travelers describe their experience as, "being trapped in a side scrolling video game". Further study is needed to explain the giant gorilla throwing barrels at you and stealing your princess. Some advanced time travel devices using much higher energy states have achieved detre^4 capabilities but often with disastrous results such as time travelers returning inside out or with reversed internal organs and speaking backwards. For now, we accept detre^3 as a safe and practical standard for time travel.

The above is effective immediately. All clocks are being replaced as you read this. Assume the Citizen Safety Position while the D.M.D.S.C.A. Temporal Replacement Crews are in your homes to avoid severe beatings and detention. As a result of the change to metric time you are currently late for your job and will subsequently be tortured by the Shiffless Fucker Motivation Ministry for the infraction and a permanent mark on your record will signify you as a dissident and revolutionary.

As Charles Dederich once said, “Todetre is the first detre of the rest of your lif-detre.”
Co-Rulers and -Subjugators,Dekx de los Florgenhorfer and MOTHbot P. Warrell

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Second

As you schlubbs in our neighboring country of America get ready to watch Obama sworn in as president, I am reminded of one of the great historical inaugurations of Chakakahnistan. The year was 1923. Jimmy Carter had just barely avoided being eaten by Shargrillas and thus finishing his third term as president. He had gone through an unprecedented 15 vice-presidents and four first ladies. The economy was at its peak. The world trembled before the might of Chakakahnistan, and it looked like things could not get any better. But they did. Oh, yes they did indeed.
It was the hottest January on record during the coldest year since the Ice-Capades of '73 and few knew that history was baking in the oven. Baking a cake of historical awesomeness. In fact, we still call it the "Awesome History Cake of 1923". And it was the cake of the first Mythical Beast-Computer ticket. Much like our current and beloved team of RoboCop-Unicorn who mercilessly swept into office this year, the team of President Bigfoot, Vice-President Speak-and-Spell were destined to set all the records and be the world champs. After their inauguration, Bigfoot and Speak-and-Spell were to usher in a new age of powerful sauces and potent juices that revitalized the populace and lubricated the bureaucracy as never before. One of the few remaining daguerreotypes of the ceremony shows the guests from around the world, as well as a rare photo of first lady ChakaBigfoot. Despite Speak-and-Spell's fondness of the drink, and Bigfoot's constant harassment by big game hunters, this dynamic duo took our great nation to new heights and even got the elusive Jamiroquai to play at the Capital Discotech during Bigfoot's birthday. Then, in a drunken frenzy they declared war on the Shargrillas and that was pretty glorious too. But that is a spooky story for another day.

The End

Chuck and Joe

As some of you may know, I like to stay up extremely late on my days
off. That time used to be almost entirely consumed by WoW but now that
I'm in recovery I do things like watch the Trinity Broadcasting
Network to learn more about zealotry.

That's when I saw the cartoon Joseph and the Many-Colored Coat.
Charlton Heston introduces the cartoon, and then you're whisked away
to a fanciful land where being a slave is good work if you can get it
and everybody in Egypt is as white as a cartoon will allow.

While searching for a video of the show I found a website that sells
it on DVD. So I left a review. Upon posting I found out that it has to
be approved so I figured it'd get shot down but it's up there!!

Check it: Deeper Shopping