Monday, September 21, 2009

5 Things I've Learned From Buying Realestate in a Tanking Market.

1. THE PROBABILITY OF A PROPERTY BEING AFFORDABLE IS INVERSELY PROPRTIONATE TO THE DEGREE TO WHICH YOU WANT IT.
This is true for all possible permutations of the metaphore. What you want is unreachable... face it... this is the case in much in the same way that chicks who wear tight black rubber and who can scratch the middle of their back with their heel are very busy taking it from Italian dudes named Sergio with cocks the size of a small dog.

2. MORTGAGE BROKERS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND.
When people are making a percentage directly off of you, their being friendly, socking you in the arm or batting their eyelashes does NOT mean that they want to "hang" or bear your children. Conversation about football or touching your hand while handing you a pen aside, your name may as well be "Meal Ticket".

3. A $475, 000 IMPULSE BUY MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA.
This is why YOU are a fucktard. You bought those clothes to be sexy with nobody to wear them for. Fail. You spent $1257.20 last year on DVDs and you've watched nine of them. Fail. You also whitened your teeth thinking that it would make up for the ugly smeared over the rest of your face. Epic fail. --Now you have the audacity to think, that after being fiscally irresponsible and, generally, a social failure that moving to a cooler city or closer to family will somehow make you less of a diappointment to your higher self. Not true... you DO disappoint you... don't argue the point, just put the gun in your mouth-- it's better than declaring bankruptcy... again.

4. DEBT GOES BEYOND DOLLARS AND CENTS.
If karma is real you're fucked. Prove me wrong...

5. THE PROPERTY YOU REALLY WANT IS THE FIRST ONE YOU WILL SEE AFTER BUYING THE ONE YOU ALREADY REGRET BUYING.
If you are an American and you are reading this then there is no use deny this... it is a truism. Upgrading is part of the American dream and the human condition. You've done it. Your neighbor does it. Your ex-girlfriend did it. Now she's happy.

10 comments:

Shauna said...

1. Sellers aren't desperate, and if you ask me one more time how much "wiggle room" you have, I'll slap you in the mouth.

2. You wanna work for free?

3. Just because you want it, doesn't mean you should buy it. Especially not with a loan that was funded by the devil.

4. If karma is real, then the banks who provided the above mentioned devil-loans better brace themselves for a doozey. I'll get the popcorn and grab a good seat to watch the fireworks.

5. It's called "buyer's remorse." Get over it.

Dekx said...

Holy shit! A commenter AND a chick!! I better put on some pants and get the bodies stowed back in the Murder Shed out back. We don't have any refreshments here, I'm afraid, unless you enjoy I.V. slop with Demerol or would care to sniff a nice ether rag?

Shauna said...

Simmer down children.

B. said...

I'm kind of at a loss. First I find out Shauna has anger management issues (meditate, I hear it does wonders; by the way "how much wiggle room do I have?") and then I'm blown away by Dekx's revelation that he even has pants... cuz I never woulda known from his senior picture... or his wedding.

B. said...

...or a typical Saturday night.

Shauna said...

There is a subtle undertone to the conversation about one's "closeted side." Por ejemplo: inside this impossible attractive and seemingly well adjusted exterior is a torrent of aggression that is often unleashed in small doses whilst in traffic or in crowds filled with unattractive people who find it acceptable to wonder aimlessly and cause a human traffic jam.

Heaven help you if you get a chance to see any of this in real life. In the mean time, I'll continue doing my best to behave.

B. said...

Please don't.

Behaving well is for making up and making deals. And since we're not fighting and you already have my business, aggress away.

Besides, a) I'm looking forward to seeing it and b)the more attitude you toss around, the more you will entertain us... and that's what it's really all about.

Shauna said...

Us? Hmm, my repressed aggressive nature on display for the enjoyment of others... I'll have to get back to you on that.

I wonder if this is what strippers feel like the first time they are approached to take a trial spin on the pole?

Just because you are obscenely flexible and your hips have the power to hypnotize, doesn't mean you yearn for your moment in the spot light at a tittie bar or to have singles shoved in your panties.

This is why repressed natures stay that way.

But for you, I'll see if I can make an exception.

B. said...

Of course you can make an exception for me, 'cause I'm a great fuckin' guy.

On the other hand, you've already shown enough rage here that stopping now would just be a waste. Don't be a punk; finish what you've begun.

And, by the way, anybody who can hypnotize with the sway of their hips has a calling and if they aren't sacrificing their dignity and abandoning their given names and the respect of their fathers for winning monakers like "Cinnamon", "Krys'tal" and "Kandee", then they have clearly missed their calling.

Shauna said...

Hey, single mothers have to earn a living too, right?

FYI, I have totally forgotten what I was supposed to roid-out about.

Perhaps I will just have to wait for the next enraged post to unleash my fury?

You are a great effing guy! But you clearly already know that and don't need me to massage your ego to a smooth and malleable consistency.