Friday, November 16, 2007

Halloween photos!

I made a robut suit like the ones from Flight of the Conchords, and got my picture taken with Optimus Prime and some Zombie Chicks. Then I got my robo-anus probed by an alien. I didn't even know that could happen.


Ya know what I hate? I hate when Dekx tries too hard to be like me. Today, he shows up at my desk at 10 am wanting to go to lunch! 10 Fucking A-fucking-M!! I'm the one who's chronologically retarded. I'm the one whose day is one long series of comedic mishaps because I can't tell time or keep track of dates and appointments. I'm the one that constantly double books himself and misses doctor and dentist appointments. That's my shtick! And now, this sommabitch is trying to steal my time-based comedy gold for his own personal gain!
It's just pathetic that some database ninja/efficiency diva should be wandering around pretending he can't tell time. No one believes that shit. I've worked my ass off for 30 plus years to perfect the "Absent minded creative type" routine that I've milked for laughs for decades. You suck Dekx! You can't even not tell time in a beievable manner. Stealing another artists work is just sad and pathetic. If you even think about wandering up to my cube-space at 1:30 wanting to go then, I'm gonna jump up and slap your mamma. I know you can tell time you jerk! Quit stealing my disabilities! You damn well better be here at 11 on the dot for lunch or I'm gonna kick your ass!


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Personal Smokie

Ok, regardless of what the title might imply, this has nothing to do with Guy Whose Piss Always Smells Like Sausage. This is at LEAST 15% cooler.

MOTHy and I were talking at lunch the other day about how awesome it would be to have our own personal Red Neck Highway Patrolman. Think about it, man! If anybody was giving you shit about what your piss smelled like, for instance, suddenly a 6'3" Looziana bulldog with a High and Tight, a flat-brimmed hat, a gigantic pair of aviators, and a light sheen of sweat because guys like that are always a little bit sweaty comes out of nowhere.

"We got a problem here, son? Looks to me like a petterass such as yourself ought not to be saying such terrible things. Folks that leak at the mouth like that tend to get the leak plugged, if you know what I mean? Now I'm gonna' be kind, extend you a little South'n Hospitatlity, and drive you out to the edge of town; My mammy didn't raise no barbarian. But if I see your deadbeat ass in my town again, I will make sure that you walk with a fucking limp for the rest of your life."

And then, no matter the situation you're in, or where you are, Personal Smokie would always say, "Oh, and one more thing: Get that broken tail light fixed."

The person fucking with you would, of course, say, "What broken tail light?"

And BLAM!!, Personal Smokie would smash the fuck out of one of the tail lights with his night stick. The best part about this is that, even if we started out in an office setting, the person would end up in their car. Then he'd say, "Y'all have a good day now, y'heaya?" Then walk back to his cruiser and drive off.

We're here to tell you peeps: Personal Smokie is the wave of the fucking future. If there's a better argument for cloning humans, I'd sure as fuck like to know what it is.

A Comeback I Couldn't Use

It's the worst feeling in the world: You hear somebody talking shit - playful or not, doesn't matter - and you have the ZINGBITCH that'll put a motherfucker in his place. But, WAAAAGHGH!!! You're at work and could easily get fired for it. So sad. The only solas you can take is telling somebody else about what you would have said, so here it goes.

Intern wearing shorts walks past Guy Whose Piss Always Smells Like Sausage's cube.

Guy Whose Piss Always Smells Like Sausage says, "What? Do you think it's summer, Intern?"

I would have said, "At least his piss doesn't always smell like sausage!"

It woulda' been so sweet....

Friday, November 2, 2007

Musical Zombies

A few weeks ago, I put up a zombie infested music video by the band Naked Ape. Well, it had me thinking about other videos I had seen with zombies and all that. Months before I had found one while searching the web for Zombie Porn. I kid you not. I routinely search the web for robot porn and zombie porn. For research purposes. Uh, to read the articles. Ummm...
I was a little hesitant to re-enter my search for "zombie stripper" while here at work, but thanks to YouTube I managed to find this long lost little tid-bit. Lo-and-behold, the boys of Naked Ape have quite the zombie fetish! It's all coming together. Wether or not I like their music (I do), Naked Ape may have to be my favorite band just because of their videos.