Friday, June 27, 2008

Tipping Dominos

Any good conspiracy theorist will tell you that the news never, ever, ever tells us the truth. They are constantly looking for new ways to manipulate our minds to keep us scared and consuming things we don't need in order to keep the Thiefocratic Capitalist Industrial Killing Machine rolling at full steam. But the very best conspiracy theorist marks some of the lowest forms of humanity since they base all of their "theories" on random bullshit, circular logic, and weak, unsupported arguments. We here at Robot Loves Zombie do not condone such behavior nor do we allow such things to go unnoticed or unchecked. MOTHbot and I are an Atheist and a logical Agnostic, respectively, and both can be accurately described as reasonable Skeptics.

Having said all of that, check out this shit and this other shit I found on yesterday! It's only a matter of some short years before

A. We get Ironman-type armored combat suits made available to the general populace. Of course they'll be marketed simply as a means of personal transportation but there will immediately be an underground market catering to people who would like their transportation to also support our 2nd Amendment Right to fuck shit up at or near the speed of sound.

B. We finally update our robots to be more human-like than ever and we have a force that can finally face the zombie hordes without fear or reservation. Only an unwavering efficiency in the face of insurmountable odds. They'll be the New Vanguard of human civilization.

C. Option B happens but MOTHbot and I have our brains downloaded into the only two Deluxe models of the robots above ever made, control the New Vanguard saving what's left of humanity and then promptly subjugating it and finally realizing The Church of the Nation State of Chaka Khanistan, Incorporated, LLC. in all it's glory!!!

So if you're out there reading this I highly recommend that you learn the CNSCKIL national anthem, "Stockholme Syndrome" by Muse and work on your zombie skull bashing skillz because Dekx and MOTHy ain't got no time for pussies or despots. IT'S ROBOT TIME, BABY!!! BRING ON THE FUCKIN' ZOMBIES!!!!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Fucking Cold Play

As promised, it's time to blame something on MOTHbot! Hooray!! Now I'm just going to say up front that this isn't actually his fault, but I'm blaming him for it anyway; Fucking Cold Play.

There are lots of bands out there that are or were very popular whose music I did not enjoy at all but could appreciate their skill and appeal. The Dave Matthews Band is a fine example. They're talented and not at all offensive. I don't LIKE them, but they're just kind of there and don't pique my ire in the least.

But Fucking Cold Play...they just produce this super-homogeneous, ueberemo, lilting bullshit. It all sounds forced and contrived, it's all boring, and it all sounds the same. I seriously am completely unable to tell one song from the next and I have for at least a year now said that they only have one album that just keeps coming out with new installments. Now I can typically handle bad. If it's just the right kind of bad it can be good. But what I cannot handle is bad becoming popular or successful. Eddie Murphie is a great instance in which a terrible, untalented, unfunny hack somehow manages to get funding and viewers for movie after unbearably bad movie. If he just ran around being awful and nobody really took notice except to say, "Shit on toast, that's a whole mess of Weak Sauce sin Jalapenos," I wouldn't want to gut him like a fish. Likewise, Fucking Cold Play's insidious ability to somehow trick smart, right-thinking people with some semblance of taste into purchasing their music just makes me want to puke.

So as MOTHbot and I were eating tasty Port a' Subs sammiches and I go off on my 17th diatribe about Fucking Cold Play (as seen above) MOTHbot gets this kind of relaxed, semi-Buddha look on his face and says, "Eh, they're not that bad." And just like that, Fucking Cold Play was Fucking MOTHbot's fault. It was like his lack of contempt somehow sent a ripple backwards in time and caused Fucking Cold Play to come into existence, suck massive assholes, become incredibly popular, and hence cause me to hate them. Now if there's one thing I hate more than Fucking Cold Play it's when people other than me send ripples backwards in time. ESPECIALLY if it's to create something as awful as Fucking Cold Play.

So I redoubled my efforts to will Fucking Cold Play out of existence via the power of The Impotent Rant but to no avail! Fucking Cold Play is still around and they're still producing terrible music. Or maybe they're just re-releasing their one album all over again, I honestly can't tell.

FUCK YOU MOTHbot!! Fucking Cold Play is your fault because you don't hate them! This is on your own conscience, dude. You brought this on yourself:

I no longer hate Offspring. Oh yeah, I said it. Have fun with that shit, beeeeeitch!!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Quicky Now, Longy Later

Ok, I have something that I'm going to fully blame MOTHbot for in a longer post but for now consider this:

I just belched and it tasted JUST like ham. However, I haven't eaten ham in roughtly 6 days. I can't decide if that's awesome or not. This is the kind of thing they should be adressing in 400-level Philosophy and Psychology classes at UC Berkely. The Ham-Dekx Conundrum will baffle minds for decades to come! But eventually it'll become some kind of scale. I dunno for what, though. "He appears to have the perfect human psyche; Raised by Atheist Libertarian Ninja Skeptic Scientists, and look at his Ham-Dekx Rating! It's off the chart!!"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Trading Up?

Humon Girlfriend Unit: CV2000 has sent this article on to me.
Now, the article states that the target market will be "lonely adult men". I happen to want one of these even though I have a humon girlfriend unit. I know they'll be jealous of each other. One of them will always be feeling like I spend too much time and have more fun with the other. They'll make sharp comments about each others' hair even though they both have cute hair cuts. I may accidentally slip and call one by the others name, but they'll just have to get used to it. Hell, my humon girlfriend unit confuses me and her dogs all the time!
The main difference that I see, besides the singing dancing and handing out business cards, is the automatic kissing. Robo girlfriend can detect my approach and prepare to give me a sweet smooch. That's right humon Girlfriend Unit CV2000, No more denying me kisses because my breath smells like ass, or because I've been ignoring you for days while working on perfecting my anti-zombie creams and lotions. Robo girlfriend will kiss me whenever I want her too.
And Robo girlfriend, quit puckering up whenever my cats walk by. I'm just not into that.