Saturday, January 30, 2010

What's new in... Sports

We here in Chakakahnistan work hard to dominate American sports. You notice how there are lots of Eastern Europeans playing in the NBA now? It's like that, but with me and Dekx taking over your sports. We have been splitting our time between training to power kick with the famous Punting Shao-Lin Mules of Uzbekistan in order to take over kickball, and meditating with a monastery of monks who take a vow of motionlessness instead of silence, so that we can take over the competitive sensory-deprivation-tank-sitting. Once we own those, we'll be setting our sights on going back to 1973 to dominate the lawn dart scene. We've also been working toward total conquest of the sport of Dodgeball. To the left, you can see I've included a picture of some dodgeball modifications I'm saving up for. And I was recently notified that I, your humble MOTHbot, was featured in a photograph on Way back in August.
Yep. That's me in my Thing T-shirt, all charged up and getting ready to drill some holes in some suckass opponents. It's pretty safe to say that I was winning the whole game single handedly. Dekx actually played a season or two, and was quite good for such a tall, awkward monstrosity of a man. So, there you have it. It's just a first step. Maybe next time they'll print my name, or give out some interesting background about the advanced training facilities we use in Chakakahnistan, some tidbits about our political system, or exports, or even our wonderful climate? We'll talk to CNN. In the meantime, keep your eyes open for more news in ... SPORTS!


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

How To Win Every Argument. Ever.

Several of you have been writing in, wondering how it is that I win every single argument I have ever been in. Well, it's a good question because who doesn't want to win every single argument they're ever in? I'm going to outline my two techniques for surefire argument winnage right here on this very blog and it will only cost you $1,000. We'll do it on the honor system so please don't fuck us over, kindly readers, or we'll find you and we'll make you eat a fart sammich. If you pay us via the RLZ Curiosities Shop you will also get several free promotional and motivational t-shirts.

The Dekxnique of winning every argument. Ever.

You have two options to win any given argument and they're equally effective.

1. Yell, "GOOGLE IT!!" at the top of your lungs. Do this repeatedly until the person before you loses his temper and gives up or beats the bejeezus out of you. Either he forfeits the argument and leaves (win for you) or he takes the low road (moral win for you. This can often be turned into a sympathy lay from your opponent's girlfriend as long as you're in an 80s or 90s movie about nerds who finally stand up for themselves.). How does this work? Well, everybody knows that telling your opponent to Google It shows the unshakable strength of your convictions. After all, would you tell somebody to Google something if you didn't already know what Google would say? Of course not.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx The Winner and MOTHbot playing the role of "Douche Number 1".

Douche Number 1: You see, the universe as we know it is finite in size, it's just that it has infinite space within it.

Dekx: That makes the universe infinite.

DN1: Well, it's definitely a complicat-


DN1: It's elemental cosmology, really. If you read Hawking's A Brief History of -


DN1: Alright, obviously you don't want to have a real conversation abo-


Aaaaand Scene.

See how easy that was? I effectively shut him down and ended up being right despite the fact that he had prevailing scientific theory on his side.

2. Tell people that they shoulda' thought of that sooner.

Well let's face it, they shoulda' thought of that. Whatever it is. Hell, maybe they didn't even think of it at all. And if that's the case, that's what they shoulda' thought of. As with, "GOOGLE IT," the more you repeat, "Maybe you shoulda' thought of that," the more powerful your argument will be. Using this technique I have both literally and figuratively been slapped in the mouth. In both cases I won the argument and was awarded a thousand dollars in argument winning awards. Additionally I earned the title, "King Dick of Asshole Town". I have it on a plaque next to my commemorative Mork rainbow suspenders.

Example: In this scenario we have Dekx playing the role of Dekx McAwesomestein and MOTHbot playing the role of "Stoopid Dood".

Stoopid Dood: I thought Avatar was pretty good. Great effects!

Dekx: Seriously? It's got one-dimensional characters, a hyper-predictable plot, and the directing was really just a special effects parade. AND YOU SAY IT WAS, "PRETTY GOOD"?!?!

SD: Relax, man. I just said I enjoyed the movie. I didn't make it.

Dekx: Oh, you didn't make the movie, huh? Well maybe you shoulda' fuckin' thought of that before you brought it up.

SD: Should have thought of what?

Dekx: Maybe if you had made the movie I wouldn't have to yell at you.

SD: That doesn't even make sense.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that too, dumbass.

SD: So I should have thought of you not making sense, and then I should have thought of how I didn't direct Avatar? This is why I fuckin' hate talking to you.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought-

SD: Alright, you know what? I'm just going to leave now. I should have known you would be incapable of having a normal conversation.

Dekx: Maybe you shoulda' thought of that....

SD: THAT'S WHAT I JUST...god I hate you.


That's it! Those are the only two techniques required to win any discussion. Now go forth, ye argumentationists, and verily do the stuff what I have taughten unto thee. Pick out the most threatening and harsh ALF forum, you know that one you lurk on but never post because everybody's so hardcore about what galaxy Melmac is supposed to be in? Go there and fuck some shit up, my people! RISE UP IN THE NAME OF THE PROLETARIAT AND IF ANY FOOLS GIVE YOU ANY SHIT?! TELL THEM TO GOOGLE IT!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Anybody else out there chew their aspirin? You know, in the hopes that you'll become an aspiring writer, get married, have a kid who can tell the future and talk to people with his mieeend, get a job doing maintenance in a seasonal hotel up in the mountains which gets snowed in every year and only has a CB as a means of long range communication, slowly go insane while finding out that the hotel is haunted, then race about the house trying to kill your wife and child with an ax until you finally freeze to death in the courtyard?

Just me? Or?....