Monday, December 31, 2007

Too Much Communication

Communication is important. Dekx and Jay and I have to call each other up every once in a while to hash out rules and customs of Chakakahnistan. Sometimes I call Jay while he and his fambly are just sitting down to eat dinner, or getting ready for bed. Sometimes I call Dekx when he's balls deep in some World of Warcraft crap. At work, we can call each other on the phone, email each other, or just make the quarter mile stroll to each other's cube (well, Jay's like 5 feet away from me). That's just what the company makes available to us. With our own personal cell phones we can text and call. With G-Mail and Yahoo we can send vulgar e-mail that doesn't get scanned and tracked by the company. But somewhere, someone sold our fair employer a bill of goods and convinced them that what everyone here needed to really work as efficiently as possible was a chat/IM program. So, Dekx can now call me to tell me to check my email telling me to check Office Communicator where he sent me a note telling me that he'll be down in a few minutes to see if I want to go to lunch. I will hand write him a letter, drop it off at IGT's in house mail drop, and have it delivered to his cube telling him that I can't go. Dekx will them send a carrier pigeon via bank-like Air tube to a central relay where the message will then be given to a pony express rider who will find himself suddenly beset by Cherokee Indians and he'll have to entrust the message to a brave collie who will, using his keen sense of smell, track me down in the men's room to bark out the message that I am a douche bag for not going to lunch with Dekx. I will then smoke signal a singing telegram via telegraph wire telling him, that he can "Suck it." All told, it will only take 3 or 4 hours for all this communication to occur.
Did they do a study or cost/benefit analysis to show that its use will out-weigh all the dim-wits that sit and chat all day? I know that Office Communicator is limited to our company, but many people's best friends and family also work here. I know plenty of my co-workers that sit and e-mail messages all day with people who sit 4 or 5 rows away. You can't show me much that would convince me these same people won't chat all day long.
Anyway, I have to get out the semaphore flags so I can ask Jay if he still wants to go to lunch. I know Jay is only 5 feet away and all that, but I just feel limited with what tools the company has given me.

Monday, December 17, 2007

An Addition to MOTHbot's Rules for Christmas

Christmas carols have to be at least this awesome by law.
Don't let the Bells End.


Today, December 17th is sorta a stand-in for Beethoven's birthday. Historians are unsure of the actual date, his family often celebrated it on the 16th and he was baptized on the 17th. So get your ipods out, or your CDs, or go online to something like slacker radio or Rhapsody and listen to the 4th movement of Beethoven's 9th. The Ode to Joy. This is MOTHbot's official choice as "The Most Beautiful Piece of Music EVER." (Run on sentence of exuberance alert) -Not only did this work figure peominently in A Clockwork Orange; but the final Chorale is the soundtrack to my dreams of watching acres of zombies get blown to bits by rockets and missles and bombs while I fire a machine gun into the oncoming horde until the barrel melts and I die being overwhelmed by masses of the undead who then get obliterated by the several hunderd pounds of explosives I've surrounded myself with. Don't think for one minute that the oddness of destroying masses of what once were humans while listening to a masterpiece about the triumph of human spirit and brotherhood escapes me. I'm thinking about a much bigger picture here. I am embracing o ye millions all right. Embraceing their undead asses with beams of lead-jacketed death. I'm thinking like a cinematographer, making a scene that god himself will sit up and notice. I want him to look down from his heavenly livingroom to see this crazy bastard offering himself and several hundred undead up to the universe in perfect time with the final German crecendo of Joy and power and think "Look at that crazy freakin' MOTHbot! He knew what he wanted to do with his life and his death so he did it!"
So go out and find the soundtrack to your own destruction. Find the song that will show the zombies, and all the dieties in the world that you mean freakin' business. Tell the universe "This is how I'm gonna die, this will be the soundtrack and I won't accept anything less!"
Make mine Beethoven!

Monday, December 10, 2007

MOTHbot's Handy Rules of Christmas

1. No Christmas sales and such until the week before Christmas. Dekx's Note: Approved. This also includes, but is by no means limited to, advertisements in any medium. The media shall contain no evidence whatsoever until December 17th. Even during this time, any advertisements which contain altered Christmas carol lyrics or tunes will be punishable by not only death, but an eternity in Hell. Just to give you an idea of how serious we are about this issue, we're both atheists, ok? But we'll start believing in Hell just to send you sick fuckers there.

2. No Christmas carols until December 23rd. Dekx's Note: Approved

3. There are only about 10 or 20 accepted christmas carols that can be played. Dekx's Note: Approved.

4. The "Official" Christmas Carol of Chakakahnistan will be White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby or Little Drummer Boy sung by Crosby and David Bowie. Most carols sung by members of the Rat Pack are accepted. Harry Connick Jr. doing old classics will mostly be OK. But all country, hip-hop, or rock versions of Christmas Carols are NOT ALLOWED! Dekx's Note: Approved.

5. Last Christmas by Wham is allowed. Dekx's Note: Fucking gay. Not only is WHAM!! not allowed at Christmas, they're not allowed at life. They should follow Michael Hunchence's lead. I'm thinking George Michael is probably not far off in this regard.

6. The Christmas in Africa fundraiser song is OK too. Dekx's Note: Nobody cares about Africa anymore. Plus, they don't have Christmas over there, I don't think. If they did, it seems like they wouldn't need this fucking awful song.

7. The official Movie of Christmas will be "Apocalypse Now". The second official movie will be "A Christmas Story". No more "It's a Wonderful Life" or any of those ABC Family Channel movies like "Holiday in Handcuffs" I know the name makes it sound kinky, but it's not like that, It's actually a big bunch of suck. Dekx's Note: Approved. Any deviation from this list will cause you to bleed from whatever holes you're not supposed to. I'm not a physiologist, ok? You figure out which ones.

8. Santa Claus will be played by either Marlon Brando, Harvey Keitel or Chuck D. Dekx's Note: These will be henceforth known as the Claus Head. They are all simultaneously AND individually Santa Claus from now on. Fuck with the ultimate Christmas badass, shitto. See what happens...

9. I know this is gonna flare up some of you suckahs out there, but I'm bringing the chainsaw of death down on those creepy claymation movies (Island of Mistfit Toys, Rudolph, Frosty...). I just can't handle the way those creepy/crappy little elves and reindeer goose step around with their stop-motion hair jumping back and forth! MOTHbot will have none of that shit! Any citizens of Chakakahnistan found watching these movies, or owning little toys or even printed material bearing the image of these heinous creations will be severely punished. I may even kill your whole family back through time. Dekx's Note: Denied. It is precisely because this shit is creepy that it must be kept as part of our culture. Indeed, I will create a claymation army the likes of which has never been seen! WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!! Except, you know, we won't be able to go anywhere wicked cold, wicked wet, or wicked hot....

So beware, San Diego, I and the Cadre of Clay are coming for you!!

10. Every friday will be "Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day" Acceptable clothing will consist of only the most horrible of sweaters with christmas kittens, penguins, nativity scenes, and puppies. Even better if it's a nativity scene with cats and a baby jesus-kitten. The uglier the better. Dekx's Note: Approved! The Grand and Benevolent Roaming Nation-State of Chakakanistan will create a Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day Sweaters department. Be ready to get your dicks and twats rocked, faithful citizens. Baby Jesus-Kitten is on a rampage and he won't stop until you all look like Cliff Huxtable's fucking closet exploded.

We'll update when we come up with more rules. And remember: the penalty for violating any of these rules is death. Now, SUBMIT!!!

Monday, December 3, 2007

What Else? Robots!!!

Some day, I'm gonna turn this tide around. Some day, humans will duke it out while dressed in obnoxious christmas decorations, while us robots sit back and laugh at their stupid antics. Imagine a world where humans degraded themselves on national TV and in front of live audiences.
Well, stupid humons already do that, so I guess they won't have any difficulty doing it for their new robot overlords. Stupid humon scum.
Anyway, this story is kinda cool, and kinda degrading to robots.