Monday, December 10, 2007

MOTHbot's Handy Rules of Christmas

1. No Christmas sales and such until the week before Christmas. Dekx's Note: Approved. This also includes, but is by no means limited to, advertisements in any medium. The media shall contain no evidence whatsoever until December 17th. Even during this time, any advertisements which contain altered Christmas carol lyrics or tunes will be punishable by not only death, but an eternity in Hell. Just to give you an idea of how serious we are about this issue, we're both atheists, ok? But we'll start believing in Hell just to send you sick fuckers there.

2. No Christmas carols until December 23rd. Dekx's Note: Approved

3. There are only about 10 or 20 accepted christmas carols that can be played. Dekx's Note: Approved.

4. The "Official" Christmas Carol of Chakakahnistan will be White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby or Little Drummer Boy sung by Crosby and David Bowie. Most carols sung by members of the Rat Pack are accepted. Harry Connick Jr. doing old classics will mostly be OK. But all country, hip-hop, or rock versions of Christmas Carols are NOT ALLOWED! Dekx's Note: Approved.

5. Last Christmas by Wham is allowed. Dekx's Note: Fucking gay. Not only is WHAM!! not allowed at Christmas, they're not allowed at life. They should follow Michael Hunchence's lead. I'm thinking George Michael is probably not far off in this regard.

6. The Christmas in Africa fundraiser song is OK too. Dekx's Note: Nobody cares about Africa anymore. Plus, they don't have Christmas over there, I don't think. If they did, it seems like they wouldn't need this fucking awful song.

7. The official Movie of Christmas will be "Apocalypse Now". The second official movie will be "A Christmas Story". No more "It's a Wonderful Life" or any of those ABC Family Channel movies like "Holiday in Handcuffs" I know the name makes it sound kinky, but it's not like that, It's actually a big bunch of suck. Dekx's Note: Approved. Any deviation from this list will cause you to bleed from whatever holes you're not supposed to. I'm not a physiologist, ok? You figure out which ones.

8. Santa Claus will be played by either Marlon Brando, Harvey Keitel or Chuck D. Dekx's Note: These will be henceforth known as the Claus Head. They are all simultaneously AND individually Santa Claus from now on. Fuck with the ultimate Christmas badass, shitto. See what happens...

9. I know this is gonna flare up some of you suckahs out there, but I'm bringing the chainsaw of death down on those creepy claymation movies (Island of Mistfit Toys, Rudolph, Frosty...). I just can't handle the way those creepy/crappy little elves and reindeer goose step around with their stop-motion hair jumping back and forth! MOTHbot will have none of that shit! Any citizens of Chakakahnistan found watching these movies, or owning little toys or even printed material bearing the image of these heinous creations will be severely punished. I may even kill your whole family back through time. Dekx's Note: Denied. It is precisely because this shit is creepy that it must be kept as part of our culture. Indeed, I will create a claymation army the likes of which has never been seen! WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!! Except, you know, we won't be able to go anywhere wicked cold, wicked wet, or wicked hot....

So beware, San Diego, I and the Cadre of Clay are coming for you!!

10. Every friday will be "Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day" Acceptable clothing will consist of only the most horrible of sweaters with christmas kittens, penguins, nativity scenes, and puppies. Even better if it's a nativity scene with cats and a baby jesus-kitten. The uglier the better. Dekx's Note: Approved! The Grand and Benevolent Roaming Nation-State of Chakakanistan will create a Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day Sweaters department. Be ready to get your dicks and twats rocked, faithful citizens. Baby Jesus-Kitten is on a rampage and he won't stop until you all look like Cliff Huxtable's fucking closet exploded.

We'll update when we come up with more rules. And remember: the penalty for violating any of these rules is death. Now, SUBMIT!!!


Lynell said...

I think the only christmas sweater I would be able to wear would be the Kitten Xmas sweater.

Pica Maloria said...

Now I want to create my own wicked awful Christmas sweater. We need a WACS party...
And as for the Claymation Christmas stuff - Go Dekx - those rock. It's ANY sort of Charlie Brown holiday special that needs to be NUKED off the face of this planet. And the Charlie Brown theme song needs to be eternally erased under punishment of a razor blade pool party if even one *note* is ever played....
Christmas Story - yuss! Scrooged is also not bad.
As for christmas music - Carol of the Bells needs to be on the approved list.
And the thought of not having to deal with *any* christmas advertisements/music/crap until a week before christmas... brings a tear to my eye. A tear of absolute joy.
I love you guys... *sniffle*

Lynell said...

Word on the Charlie Brown Xmas. I sick of that crappy little branch they call a tree! Good call on Scrooged too.

mothbot said...

Peanuts are on our hit list to be rubbed out of all reality. I like scrooged. Dekx and I will confer on this. I haven't heard carol of the bells and the title alone seems suspicious. It better be freaking good or you will pay

Pica Maloria said...

The only reason not to like Carol of the bells is because you were sodomized by clowns to it.

this is a pathetic version - but you'll get it once you hear it:

mothbot said...

Oh yeah. Now I remember. I was once sodomized by a whole used car lot worth of clown cars filled with rape happy clowns. That's something like 3000 clowns. If each clown took 3 minutes working me over to this song, that would be 9000 minutes which is equal to just under an eternity. Which would also equal how long this song stays stuck in your head after you hear it. This is also equal to half of how long I will hate clowns, this bells song, and now you for sending me a link that actually played that damn song. You're lucky it's within the allowed days of caroling in Mighty Chakakahnistan, or you and your fambly would be undergoing harsh questioning in some dark christmas dungeon below my apartment.