Friday, October 23, 2009

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Third

As we scamper across the barley fields of time, stalks gently swaying with the gentle caresses of gentle tachyons, we have come upon yet another lost moment from the history of our Great Nation. During the struggle for independence, Ben Franklin was sent to the moon to use his mighty technical prowess to harness the most powerful source of energy next to our sun: Moon Lightning. Wielding his mighty K.I.T.E., Franklin could coax massive amounts of electricity to power revolutionary muskets, printing presses, pot bellied stoves, and his magic bi-focal glasses.

At the same time (actually a different time {55BC by your puny calendar} that happens to loop around and coincide with Franklin's time - which also has links to 17 different time-spaces including Predeter and the last Sundeter of each Hectodeter), one Gaius Julius Caesar was invading the British Isles by way of the Sea of Tranquility. Needing to secure allies for when Hannibal attacked the Roman Empire earlier in 218 BC, Caesar was in negotiations with the Legion of Moon Monsters when Ben Franklin's lightning generating threatened to derail the whole process.

A great battle ensued with Franklin using a special martial art developed in Philadelphia, and Caesar attempting a formation known as "The One-Man-Phalanx". Many of the Moon's icy castles and great museums were destroyed as neither of these great titans would give ground. According to the few surviving witnesses, the battle only ended when a wormhole opened in the sky and a 50 foot tall Carl Sagan and Chief Sitting Bull stepped out, pleading for Franklin and Caesar to end their quarrel and reminding them they were both late for a party at Harvey Keitel's house. Harvey had drunkenly told everyone that he would totally kick their asses if they were late again because, as you know, it was only a month earlier that Caesar and Franklin rode their horses up the New Jersey turnpike as they tried in vain to stop Aaron Burr from killing Alexander Hamilton. Franklin claims there was traffic, but Caesar insists it's because Franklin had stopped off for chips and a coke.

The End

Monday, October 12, 2009

Why I'm Rad: by B.

I love me.

I know that a lot of people will say that is arrogant or, if they know me, completely delusional. But let’s examine the facts.

  1. I smell frickin’ great. My scent is a combination of oak, fresh blood and chi. Primates of all varieties kill their handlers in attempted acts of heroic union. I can’t blame them. I was once told that my odor created a miasma of awesome that lingers longer than the half life of uranium.
  2. I’m a giver. I work with kids and seldom make them bow and I often wring out my best silk-shirts to parch their thirst. That’s pretty rockin’ of me, you gotta admit. I’m also known for allowing women to ignore me while I stare at them longingly from the bushes. When I meet them, eye to eye (after I’ve removed the duct tape and adjusted their feeding tube), I even give them a shot of my hairy, 70’s-hot man-maries and my patented wry, but subtly predatory, grin. It’s a winner, like me.
  3. I have no idea how to mime. You won’t hear me pretending to do stuff without making any noise… that’s all I gotta say about that.
  4. I’m a grower not a shower. That might sound like a minus for all you judgmental size-queens out there… but you aren’t thinking it through: imagine your delight when the most awesome cocktail frank you’ve ever seen turns into the most awesome nearly full sized hotdog you’ve ever seen. Buckle up. ‘Cause it’ll blow. Your. Mind.
  5. I know how to rock. I’m a full-throttle maniac partier with my nitros set at full-throttle. Hang onto the landing gear ‘cause this party-bus is about to set sail.
  6. I haven’t beaten a hobo to death in, like, …days. I know what its like to combat my demons like a powerful warrior astride a noble steed. I charge daily into the melee of my tormented heart. That’s why I write poetry:

Like the glimmering eagle, my heart soars beyond

The beyond.

Like the stoic dragon, I sit upon the treasure of my heart


With the strength of ten thousand naked barbarians.

Strong and naked

With the speed of a cat-ninja in a really fast car


I love you.


In summary: that’s why I’m awesome.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Fuck You, Totino's Party Pizza

Catchy title, innit? Maybe tomorrow I'll come back and throw in some alternate, wittier titles as a post script. But I have more pressing matters to attend to. Most importantly of which is the need to set aright Totino's Party Pizza and the sick fucks who took the Devil's Paycheck to make this video right hmya.

Now look, I've been stoned a time or two, and drunk plenty times more, so I understand the world's need for cheap, affordable pizza. When you're fucked up you can't tell the difference anyway. Enter Totino's Party Pizza. You can eat probably 10 or 15 of them without batting an eye, no matter how slow your shift was your tips will always get you enough TPP to fill your gut, and they'll scratch that, "Well, it's this or the last of the Honeycombs, but if I eat all of the Honeycombs my roommate Larry will be pissed because we went in halvsies on that shit and he still hasn't had any and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to eat white rice with celery salt on it again" itch.

But better than toy robots? It's such an outlandish statement that at first I thought it had to be some sort of spoof. But they didn't rename the product to something that sounds like, "Totino's Party Pizza" but which actually wasn't. Nor did they have a disclaimer at the beginning or end of the video stating that obviously they're talking out of their collective ass. What really sealed the deal was when the actor playing the dad broke character and pointed out how awkward making such a ludicrous claim was. Between the dad-actor and the fact that the video was released in such a state, I can only assume that we must have some Chakakhanistanian operatives in deep cover with the ad agency that we forgot about. We used to keep really good track of them all but Heroes, Dexter and LOST are all back on TV and who the fuck has time to take TV notes AND secret operative notes?

There was a time, not so long ago, when Chakakhanistan would have mobilized our strike force and hunted down any and all people associated with this video, including those people who had seen it and put them all in our Awesomeness Prioritization Camps. But we're taking a page from the US's President Obama and will instead levy the following sanctions against Totino's Party Pizzas and the United States for aiding and abetting a bunch of dicks:

  1. All shipments of squant pigment from Chakakhanistan into the US will be seized. This will effectively bring the Scratch-N-Sniff sticker industry to its knees, since squant is the only color that also has a scent.
  2. Japan has agreed to stop making White Ninja training available to former US military operatives who were wounded in action and trapped behind enemy lines only to learn that the Japanese way of life isn't as barbaric as it seems once they let go their ethnocentrism and nationalism. The rise in Black Ninja Syndicate crime will no doubt skyrocket. NOTE: While normally a reliable ally to the United States, Japan has moved all robot production facilities to Chakakhanistan, which are actually powered and operated by our robots. If there's one thing Japan cannot live without, it's robots. And if there's one thing Chakakhanistan is good at, it's stockpiling robots.
  3. We will rekindle the Chuck Norris internet sensation. It's been dying down the last few years with only the most intense fans continuing to churn out lame emails and Trade channel chat about beard fists and dividing by zero. But push us, assholes, and see what happens.
These sanctions will continue until the offending video is not only removed from all media outlets but is replaced with an apology video. The apology is to be no less than 30 minutes in length and the following statements must be made verbatim:
  1. "If Toy Robots were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Cobra. If Totino's Party Pizza were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Rhinestone."
  2. "The big difference between Totino's Party Pizzas and toy robots is that toy robots will never give you the shits."
  3. "Sic semper tyrannis!!" This should be accompanied by video of a toy robot dressed as John Wilkes Booth shooting a Totino's Party Pizza in the back of the head at the theater.
That pretty much covers it. Fill in the rest of the thirty minutes with whatever you want. I'm partial to monkeys working their way through the space program, dumb jocks learning everything they need to pass their GED via montage, or you can just film a lava lamp with P.M. Dawn's "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" playing in the background.

We're usually pretty cool with you, America, but this has gone too far for too long. Do the right thing and remind the international community why you're the 14th most awesome country in the world.