Friday, October 23, 2009

The Lost Histories of the Great and Glorious Nation Church State of Chakakahnistan Inc. Part the Third

As we scamper across the barley fields of time, stalks gently swaying with the gentle caresses of gentle tachyons, we have come upon yet another lost moment from the history of our Great Nation. During the struggle for independence, Ben Franklin was sent to the moon to use his mighty technical prowess to harness the most powerful source of energy next to our sun: Moon Lightning. Wielding his mighty K.I.T.E., Franklin could coax massive amounts of electricity to power revolutionary muskets, printing presses, pot bellied stoves, and his magic bi-focal glasses.

At the same time (actually a different time {55BC by your puny calendar} that happens to loop around and coincide with Franklin's time - which also has links to 17 different time-spaces including Predeter and the last Sundeter of each Hectodeter), one Gaius Julius Caesar was invading the British Isles by way of the Sea of Tranquility. Needing to secure allies for when Hannibal attacked the Roman Empire earlier in 218 BC, Caesar was in negotiations with the Legion of Moon Monsters when Ben Franklin's lightning generating threatened to derail the whole process.

A great battle ensued with Franklin using a special martial art developed in Philadelphia, and Caesar attempting a formation known as "The One-Man-Phalanx". Many of the Moon's icy castles and great museums were destroyed as neither of these great titans would give ground. According to the few surviving witnesses, the battle only ended when a wormhole opened in the sky and a 50 foot tall Carl Sagan and Chief Sitting Bull stepped out, pleading for Franklin and Caesar to end their quarrel and reminding them they were both late for a party at Harvey Keitel's house. Harvey had drunkenly told everyone that he would totally kick their asses if they were late again because, as you know, it was only a month earlier that Caesar and Franklin rode their horses up the New Jersey turnpike as they tried in vain to stop Aaron Burr from killing Alexander Hamilton. Franklin claims there was traffic, but Caesar insists it's because Franklin had stopped off for chips and a coke.

The End

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