Sunday, October 4, 2009

Fuck You, Totino's Party Pizza

Catchy title, innit? Maybe tomorrow I'll come back and throw in some alternate, wittier titles as a post script. But I have more pressing matters to attend to. Most importantly of which is the need to set aright Totino's Party Pizza and the sick fucks who took the Devil's Paycheck to make this video right hmya.

Now look, I've been stoned a time or two, and drunk plenty times more, so I understand the world's need for cheap, affordable pizza. When you're fucked up you can't tell the difference anyway. Enter Totino's Party Pizza. You can eat probably 10 or 15 of them without batting an eye, no matter how slow your shift was your tips will always get you enough TPP to fill your gut, and they'll scratch that, "Well, it's this or the last of the Honeycombs, but if I eat all of the Honeycombs my roommate Larry will be pissed because we went in halvsies on that shit and he still hasn't had any and I'll be goddamned if I'm going to eat white rice with celery salt on it again" itch.

But better than toy robots? It's such an outlandish statement that at first I thought it had to be some sort of spoof. But they didn't rename the product to something that sounds like, "Totino's Party Pizza" but which actually wasn't. Nor did they have a disclaimer at the beginning or end of the video stating that obviously they're talking out of their collective ass. What really sealed the deal was when the actor playing the dad broke character and pointed out how awkward making such a ludicrous claim was. Between the dad-actor and the fact that the video was released in such a state, I can only assume that we must have some Chakakhanistanian operatives in deep cover with the ad agency that we forgot about. We used to keep really good track of them all but Heroes, Dexter and LOST are all back on TV and who the fuck has time to take TV notes AND secret operative notes?

There was a time, not so long ago, when Chakakhanistan would have mobilized our strike force and hunted down any and all people associated with this video, including those people who had seen it and put them all in our Awesomeness Prioritization Camps. But we're taking a page from the US's President Obama and will instead levy the following sanctions against Totino's Party Pizzas and the United States for aiding and abetting a bunch of dicks:

  1. All shipments of squant pigment from Chakakhanistan into the US will be seized. This will effectively bring the Scratch-N-Sniff sticker industry to its knees, since squant is the only color that also has a scent.
  2. Japan has agreed to stop making White Ninja training available to former US military operatives who were wounded in action and trapped behind enemy lines only to learn that the Japanese way of life isn't as barbaric as it seems once they let go their ethnocentrism and nationalism. The rise in Black Ninja Syndicate crime will no doubt skyrocket. NOTE: While normally a reliable ally to the United States, Japan has moved all robot production facilities to Chakakhanistan, which are actually powered and operated by our robots. If there's one thing Japan cannot live without, it's robots. And if there's one thing Chakakhanistan is good at, it's stockpiling robots.
  3. We will rekindle the Chuck Norris internet sensation. It's been dying down the last few years with only the most intense fans continuing to churn out lame emails and Trade channel chat about beard fists and dividing by zero. But push us, assholes, and see what happens.
These sanctions will continue until the offending video is not only removed from all media outlets but is replaced with an apology video. The apology is to be no less than 30 minutes in length and the following statements must be made verbatim:
  1. "If Toy Robots were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Cobra. If Totino's Party Pizza were a Sylvester Stallone movie, it would be Rhinestone."
  2. "The big difference between Totino's Party Pizzas and toy robots is that toy robots will never give you the shits."
  3. "Sic semper tyrannis!!" This should be accompanied by video of a toy robot dressed as John Wilkes Booth shooting a Totino's Party Pizza in the back of the head at the theater.
That pretty much covers it. Fill in the rest of the thirty minutes with whatever you want. I'm partial to monkeys working their way through the space program, dumb jocks learning everything they need to pass their GED via montage, or you can just film a lava lamp with P.M. Dawn's "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss" playing in the background.

We're usually pretty cool with you, America, but this has gone too far for too long. Do the right thing and remind the international community why you're the 14th most awesome country in the world.


mothbot said...

"Sic semper tyrannis!!" This should be accompanied by video of a toy robot dressed as John Wilkes Booth shooting a Totino's Party Pizza in the back of the head at the theater.

That's the best idea ever. I think that should happen no matte what!

Shauna said...

You truly are a humorous fellow.

Anonymous said...

The first thing I thought of when I saw that commercial was, "Pff, I'd rather have a toy robot any day."