Monday, October 12, 2009

Why I'm Rad: by B.

I love me.

I know that a lot of people will say that is arrogant or, if they know me, completely delusional. But let’s examine the facts.

  1. I smell frickin’ great. My scent is a combination of oak, fresh blood and chi. Primates of all varieties kill their handlers in attempted acts of heroic union. I can’t blame them. I was once told that my odor created a miasma of awesome that lingers longer than the half life of uranium.
  2. I’m a giver. I work with kids and seldom make them bow and I often wring out my best silk-shirts to parch their thirst. That’s pretty rockin’ of me, you gotta admit. I’m also known for allowing women to ignore me while I stare at them longingly from the bushes. When I meet them, eye to eye (after I’ve removed the duct tape and adjusted their feeding tube), I even give them a shot of my hairy, 70’s-hot man-maries and my patented wry, but subtly predatory, grin. It’s a winner, like me.
  3. I have no idea how to mime. You won’t hear me pretending to do stuff without making any noise… that’s all I gotta say about that.
  4. I’m a grower not a shower. That might sound like a minus for all you judgmental size-queens out there… but you aren’t thinking it through: imagine your delight when the most awesome cocktail frank you’ve ever seen turns into the most awesome nearly full sized hotdog you’ve ever seen. Buckle up. ‘Cause it’ll blow. Your. Mind.
  5. I know how to rock. I’m a full-throttle maniac partier with my nitros set at full-throttle. Hang onto the landing gear ‘cause this party-bus is about to set sail.
  6. I haven’t beaten a hobo to death in, like, …days. I know what its like to combat my demons like a powerful warrior astride a noble steed. I charge daily into the melee of my tormented heart. That’s why I write poetry:

Like the glimmering eagle, my heart soars beyond

The beyond.

Like the stoic dragon, I sit upon the treasure of my heart

Sitting

With the strength of ten thousand naked barbarians.

Strong and naked

With the speed of a cat-ninja in a really fast car

Cat-ninja

I love you.

Darkness.

In summary: that’s why I’m awesome.

4 comments:

Shauna said...

If you ever find yourself in a relationship dry-spell, you should definitely use this in your online dating profile. It's foolproof chick bate.

Dekx said...

It should be noted that we at RLZ do not require our viewers to simply be Rad. We fully endorse being any combination of the following, or indeed, any specialization therein:

-Rad
-Awesome
-Awesim
-Sweet
-Bad Ass
-Ballin'
-Pimpish
-Fuckin' Sweet
-Fuckin' Rad
-Fuckin' Awesim
-Sexy as Fuckin' Rad, Bad Ass, Awesome Sweetness.
-Titties

Ideally anybody matching any of these traits will send us their home address and the times they're home so we can come to your house and consume you for what little part of you is worth our while. In exchange you'll get to live on forever in each of us, and you'll get to see us form a Voltron-esque Wendigo of jiggling fat-assery and abandoned dreams. Total twofer.

Pica Maloria said...

I have to definitely go for #1 Bryce, you *do* smell good. I didn't realize it was that combo - but it's good to know.

B. said...

@ Shauna: It IS foolproof chick bait. There's no doubt. That's why I have that whole thing tattoed at my treasure trail and written on about thirty dumpsters just outside of Oklahoma City.

@Dekx: I think what you're trying to say is that we're looking to trade up... Just keepin' it real, yo.

@ Pica Malora: I do what I can to hide hide the scent of dead hookers and regret that I normally exude.