In space, No one can hear Helen Keller scream.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
X-MAS Update 2011
WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
2011 Christmas update and reminder to Chakakahnistan's rules regarding Christmas. Previously Posted
1. No Christmas sales and such until the week before Christmas.
New Exception for 2011!!!!
Wal-Mart can have Black Friday riots whenever they want! Watching a bunch of desperate and stupid cheapskates stampede, pepper spray and bludgeon each other was like an early christmas present. Whoa! Nothing like seeing Capitalism and Darwinism working together.
2. No Christmas carols until December 23rd. Seriously! A couple of local radio stations started playing christmas songs not long after Halloween. 24-7 craptacular crap.
3. During the allowed Christmas season, there are only about 10 or 20 accepted christmas carols that can be played. Most likely if it's one you really like and have loved ever since you had to sing it for 3rd grade christmas pageant, then it's not allowed.
4. The "Official" Christmas Carols of Chakakahnistan: White Christmas sung by Bing Crosby or Little Drummer Boy sung by Crosby and David Bowie. All country, hip-hop, or rock versions of Christmas Carols are NOT ALLOWED!
4-A. Last Christmas by Wham and The Christmas in Africa fundraiser song are acceptable to MOTHbot but not to Dekx. Be careful which one of us you are closest to when you start humming one of these.
7. The official Movie of Christmas will be "Apocalypse Now". The second official movie will be "A Christmas Story". No Exceptions. These are to be watched non-stop, simultaneously, around the clock from Dec 23rd to Dec 26th. Anyone found not watching will be found guilty of treason.
8. Santa Claus will be played by either Marlon Brando, Harvey Keitel or Chuck D.
9. Every friday will be "Wicked Awful Christmas Sweater Day" Acceptable clothing will consist of only the most horrible of sweaters with christmas kittens, penguins, nativity scenes, and puppies. Even better if it's a nativity scene with cats and a baby jesus-kitten. The uglier the better.
We'll update when we come up with more rules. And remember: the penalty for violating any of these rules is death. Now, SUBMIT!!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Questionnaire Extraordinaire!
I couldn't find if I ever posted this, but here's me filling out what is supposedly a Scientology quiz.
All answers seem to be even truer now than they were back in 2008.
• Have you ever enslaved a population?
Yes. Right now I am lord and Master of the entire population of the Holy,
free-roaming, city-nation-
you or hear you, or think about you hard enough, you are my slave. I also
have two cats.
• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
Yes. Right now the Chakakahnistan Drachmah is way more valuable than the US
Dollar because I caused China. One of the few things not made in China, is
China. Cuz I made it here in America and sent it to China.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Yes. But, like many of my choices in life, I make it right by force of will.
So if I kill someone, there is bound to be someone somewhere who wanted them
dead for reasons of vengance or money owed. I think more people should thank
me.
• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Yes. Edward-Two-Tongues. He was choking on the extra tongue and needed it
removed STAT!.
• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Yes. Here's an excerpt from the Chakakahnistan'
Weekly Chaka:"This quiz sucks. Scientology Sucks. Hubbard's old sci-fi novels are second
rate at best."
I gots paid for that.
• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. I had roaches once. I was chasing a big fat momma with her egg sack.
When she died, the egg pod popped off and all these little white roachey
babies were squirming around on the floor. I sprayed them too.
• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes. Didn't really have to try. It's pretty much overrated as it is. A few
doctored photos of Sanity in the arms of another man, and Sanity's good
name was all but obliterated.
• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Yes. I like to hump my printer.
• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Yes. Both. I invented uranium.
• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Yes. I fucked L-Ron Hubbards dead ass once, and I regularly fuck zombies.
• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yes. According to the RIAA I've stolen too many songs off the internet.
• Have you ever been a pimp?
Yes. Hell Yes.
• Have you ever eaten a human body?
Yes. Wait. The whole thing? I didn't finish it because I'd just got done
eating a koala bear
• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Yes. I stabbed your momma's eyes out with my dick. She still looks alright I guess.
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes. I need the practice for when I wipe out humanity with Robots and Zombies.
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Yes. It's the title on my card. I also perform back-alley abortions for a small fee.
• Have you given robots a bad name?
HELL NO! I love robots and would never do anything to hurt them.
• Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes. Caught 5 boobies in it. Somewhere out there, there's some hot chick
with only one booby.
• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Yes. Only because he said he needed to think our relationship over. He said
'it wasn't me, it was him' and all that shit, but that was enough for me to
leave him to the cold dead embrace of outer space.
• Have you driven anyone insane?
Yes. Yes we have.
• Is anybody looking for you?
Yes. Your momma is. She wants me up in her again tonight.
• Have you ever set a poor example?
Yes. Children should not listen to me unless I'm teaching them ways of
getting away with a crime.
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Yes. Hell Yes. Several evil purposes.
• Are you in hiding?
Yes. Hiding in Reno.
• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Yes. Now go to city hall and find a package in the tank of the third stall
in the ladyies room. It will reveal something new about Jesus.
• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes. If by practice, you mean career or habit, then yes.
• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes. I think therefore I shall think some more.
• Have you ever gone crazy?
Yes. 32 time today and counting. Going there isn't the problem. I'm looking
for a way to stay.
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Yes. For insurance purposes.
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Yes. I just sold all of Josh's fambly into white slavery. Even the ones he likes.
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
Yes. Once with lava, and another time with pure hate.
• Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yes. Someone has to keep these pig fuckers in line and put them down when
they get out of hand.
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Yes. Verbally. I was calling a guy some bad names and his balls just dropped off. Now he can't have babies.
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Yes. By robots.
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Yes. This one.
• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
...
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Yes. There's always someone you can talk into putting a 9-volt on their tongue.
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Yes and Yes. Brazilian porn Baby! No Condoms!!! Wooooooooo!!
All answers seem to be even truer now than they were back in 2008.
• Have you ever enslaved a population?
Yes. Right now I am lord and Master of the entire population of the Holy,
free-roaming, city-nation-
you or hear you, or think about you hard enough, you are my slave. I also
have two cats.
• Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
Yes. Right now the Chakakahnistan Drachmah is way more valuable than the US
Dollar because I caused China. One of the few things not made in China, is
China. Cuz I made it here in America and sent it to China.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Yes. But, like many of my choices in life, I make it right by force of will.
So if I kill someone, there is bound to be someone somewhere who wanted them
dead for reasons of vengance or money owed. I think more people should thank
me.
• Have you ever torn out someone's tongue?
Yes. Edward-Two-Tongues. He was choking on the extra tongue and needed it
removed STAT!.
• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Yes. Here's an excerpt from the Chakakahnistan'
Weekly Chaka:"This quiz sucks. Scientology Sucks. Hubbard's old sci-fi novels are second
rate at best."
I gots paid for that.
• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. I had roaches once. I was chasing a big fat momma with her egg sack.
When she died, the egg pod popped off and all these little white roachey
babies were squirming around on the floor. I sprayed them too.
• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
Yes. Didn't really have to try. It's pretty much overrated as it is. A few
doctored photos of Sanity in the arms of another man, and Sanity's good
name was all but obliterated.
• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
Yes. I like to hump my printer.
• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Yes. Both. I invented uranium.
• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Yes. I fucked L-Ron Hubbards dead ass once, and I regularly fuck zombies.
• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yes. According to the RIAA I've stolen too many songs off the internet.
• Have you ever been a pimp?
Yes. Hell Yes.
• Have you ever eaten a human body?
Yes. Wait. The whole thing? I didn't finish it because I'd just got done
eating a koala bear
• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Yes. I stabbed your momma's eyes out with my dick. She still looks alright I guess.
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Yes. I need the practice for when I wipe out humanity with Robots and Zombies.
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Yes. It's the title on my card. I also perform back-alley abortions for a small fee.
• Have you given robots a bad name?
HELL NO! I love robots and would never do anything to hurt them.
• Have you ever set a booby trap?
Yes. Caught 5 boobies in it. Somewhere out there, there's some hot chick
with only one booby.
• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Yes. Only because he said he needed to think our relationship over. He said
'it wasn't me, it was him' and all that shit, but that was enough for me to
leave him to the cold dead embrace of outer space.
• Have you driven anyone insane?
Yes. Yes we have.
• Is anybody looking for you?
Yes. Your momma is. She wants me up in her again tonight.
• Have you ever set a poor example?
Yes. Children should not listen to me unless I'm teaching them ways of
getting away with a crime.
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Yes. Hell Yes. Several evil purposes.
• Are you in hiding?
Yes. Hiding in Reno.
• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
Yes. Now go to city hall and find a package in the tank of the third stall
in the ladyies room. It will reveal something new about Jesus.
• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes. If by practice, you mean career or habit, then yes.
• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Yes. I think therefore I shall think some more.
• Have you ever gone crazy?
Yes. 32 time today and counting. Going there isn't the problem. I'm looking
for a way to stay.
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
Yes. For insurance purposes.
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Yes. I just sold all of Josh's fambly into white slavery. Even the ones he likes.
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
Yes. Once with lava, and another time with pure hate.
• Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yes. Someone has to keep these pig fuckers in line and put them down when
they get out of hand.
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
Yes. Verbally. I was calling a guy some bad names and his balls just dropped off. Now he can't have babies.
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Yes. By robots.
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Yes. This one.
• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
...
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Yes. There's always someone you can talk into putting a 9-volt on their tongue.
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Yes and Yes. Brazilian porn Baby! No Condoms!!! Wooooooooo!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Up Yours Twitter
I just noticed in our sidebar that the last time Dekx or I put anything on Twatter was 666 days ago. Thanks for being there for us.
Pope Zombius the 5th thinks we are lazy sinners.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Complimentone
We here at RLZ recognize, as most of you probably have, that sometimes people cannot tell when somebody is giving a compliment. Often this is because a poor choice of wording gets misinterpreted as a personal attack or there is some variation between what two people consider to be a compliment. The difference between Chakakhanistan's ingenious and valiant, benevolent leaders and you lazy savages is that we care enough to do something about it. Therefore vis a vis e pluribus unum sic semper tyranus, The Chakakhanistan Quango of Speech and Cultural Maladjustment is pleased to introduce Complimentone.
The Good News: Complimentone completely removes discretion, the necessity for social skills and interpretation of any kind regarding compliments.
The Bad News: For the third time in as many weeks you will have to have your auxiliary voice box replaced in order to make the sounds which comprise Complimentone. This new spectrum of speech will make it physically impossible for the receiver's brain to interpret the statement as anything but a compliment. CQSCM understands that this may be inconvenient and increase hospital grade infections, however we appreciate your cooperation in this newest endeavor. We have every faith that Complimentone will prove more useful than Whoeversmeltitdealtitone and Don'tanswerthisquestionhonestlytone.
To represent Complimentone in text form, simply change the font color to teal, underline it, bold it, italicize it, and write, "COMPLIMENTONE" before and after the statement.
Following are some phrases which are well suited to Complimentone that will be immediately integrated into everyday speech now that the speaker's intention will be clear.
- COMPLIMENTONE Hey now, sexy bitch, you KNOW I dig a chunky dumper. COMPLIMENTONE
- COMPLIMENTONE Damn, lady, you're one of the sexiest 'cept'er heads I have ever seen. COMPLIMENTONE
- COMPLIMENTONE I have never been more attracted to a short, fat, balding, red-headed man in my entire life. COMPLIMENTONE
- COMPLIMENTONE It's ok you finished in 30 seconds dear, that way I know you'll never cheat on me! COMPLIMENTONE
See? It's easy! The Servitorship for Phsyical Violence and Square Dancing is not happy about what will certainly be a steep decline in physical violence, however the CQSCM feels that the SPVSD will see an even steeper rise in square dancing since so many people will be appreciating compliments which would otherwise have caused strife and an environment clearly not conducive to square dancing.
The Priestery of Mandatory Surgery has already deployed surgeons to your homes. Please eat the six pills your replicator just provided. Be careful! You only have six seconds after ingestion and then you will be enveloped in the inky embrace of medically induced coma. See you on the other side!
Sincerely,
Dekx McViolence "The Shank" Stabbenheimer
Glorious Co-Overlord and All-Around Agent of Chaos of Chakakhanistan
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Movie Pitch to Our Friend Hollywood
Ok Ok Ok!
ALF.
Yeah! ALF. Everyone's favorite alien life form from Melmac. But we'll darken it up for modern audiences, so he be out for revenge on the Tanners. You see, the series ended on a bad note for ALF. The Tanners dropped him off on the side of the road so he could be picked up my other dudes from Melmac, but instead, the Army showed up and took him away. Fast forward 20+ years and ALF escapes, but he's not the friendly Gordon Shumway of old. No, this ALF is out for revenge. It's just like Kill Bill but with aliens, cats and crackwhores. Check out the poster!
Let us know when you want to see the script. Dekx had some cool ideas involving slow motion gun fights in a trench coat factory with doves flying and shit and we had some stuff with ALF eating cats and making little children cry. It's friggin' awesome!
Have your robots call our robots.
Moth
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