Monday, January 26, 2009

Important Memo From The Leaders of Chakakhanistan

Inter-Country Memorandum
Glorious State-Nation Incorporated Churchenstein van Chakakhanistanheimer, Ltd., Ultd., LLC, Esq., III
Department of Measurements and Doughnut Sprinkle Color Approval

Effective immediately Chakakhanistan will move to Metric time measurements. The base unit of measurement will be the Detre. Because the metric system is nearly as flexible as our great nation’s historical timeline, the Detre can be scaled in multiples of 10. However, for the more dim citizens below are the formerly traditional standard measurements as compared to the new metric equivalents. It should be noted that this is for comparison purposes only and is not a direct conversion from the old system to the new one.

Millennium - Kiloyetre
Century - Hectoyetre
Decade - Dekayetre
Year - Yetre
Month - Hectodetre
Week - Dekadetre
Day - Detre
Hour - Decidetre
Second – Centidetre

Because of this conversion we will adjust the existing detres according to the new naming convention. We will also require 3 additional detres which are included in the official list of detres here following.

Pyroclastic Flowdetre

General nouns for the detre are as follows.
Every Day: Omnidetre
Someday: Somedetre
Yesterday: Predetre
Tomorrow: Postdetre
This Morning: Premultidecidetre A.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
This Afternoon (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
This Evening (in the speaker’s future): Postmultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Evening (in the speaker’s past): Premultidecidetre P.M.
Later This Morning (during time travel in the speaker's past?): Pre-PostPremultidecidetre3 A.M.

Additionally, this same basic structure will be employed to address the abundance of time travel which occurs within our unstoppable country’s magnificent borders. However, the complexity of such endeavors calls for an additional dimension. To handle this, the time travel calendar will be three dimensional and all units of measurement will be cubed.*


*Please note that Time Travel Detres^3 are in three dimensions, and not four. This stems from the fact that when one time travels, one can only mathematically access the time dimension which has grown dimensionally inside of itself while being traveled through, and any two of the other spatial dimensions. Most commonly this results in a loss of "depth" while forward-backward or right-left are still in play, as well as up-down. Many time travelers describe their experience as, "being trapped in a side scrolling video game". Further study is needed to explain the giant gorilla throwing barrels at you and stealing your princess. Some advanced time travel devices using much higher energy states have achieved detre^4 capabilities but often with disastrous results such as time travelers returning inside out or with reversed internal organs and speaking backwards. For now, we accept detre^3 as a safe and practical standard for time travel.

The above is effective immediately. All clocks are being replaced as you read this. Assume the Citizen Safety Position while the D.M.D.S.C.A. Temporal Replacement Crews are in your homes to avoid severe beatings and detention. As a result of the change to metric time you are currently late for your job and will subsequently be tortured by the Shiffless Fucker Motivation Ministry for the infraction and a permanent mark on your record will signify you as a dissident and revolutionary.

As Charles Dederich once said, “Todetre is the first detre of the rest of your lif-detre.”
Co-Rulers and -Subjugators,Dekx de los Florgenhorfer and MOTHbot P. Warrell


Pamela said...

That is perfectly simple and comprehensive. Chakakhanistan is to be congratulated for it's forward thinking and forthright plan implementation.

See you postdetre,


Dekx said...

Thank you, Pamela. Your obedience and asskissery will be duly noted in your file.