Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Chakakhanistani Horoscopy

RLZ Note: This is part 1 in a 11 part series by guest blogger and long-time friend, Gaelvin (check out his Deviant Art page here.). It may behoove you to check out our post on Chakakhanistan's conversion to metric time prior to reading this.

The Scientific Pseudo-Art of Horoscopy As practiced in the Sovereign Religio-State of Chakakhanistan

Let us begin by defining a few useful terms.

Horoscopy is the study of Constellations and Heavenly Bodies, and their influences on the lives (and deaths) of human beings and other sentient life-forms. Someone who practices Horoscopy is known as an Astrologizer, and when they give a reading they are said to Astrologize.

A Constellation is a grouping of stars which portrays a person, creature or object from Chakakhanistani folk history. As the only nation which has embraced Metric Time, Chakakhanistani Horoscopy recognizes ten Zodetric Signs.

The Zodetre is the array of ten Deadly Constellations, individually known as Zodetric Signs, or Death Signs. The ten Death Signs are: Zombie; Robot; Running With Scissors; Radioactive Dinosaur; Flipped-out Ninja; Surly Pirate; Gaucho; DeLorean; Sharktopus; and Giant Shark.

The Heavenly Bodies are the ten Planets of Doom, or Doomworlds, and Uber-Hawt Chicks. While Uber-Hawt Chicks are random variables, and thus unknowable, the ten Doomworlds are known to be the following: the Moon; Mars; Neptune; Pluto; Antichthon, or the Counter-Earth; Monstrator; Elvera; Nemesis; Planet X; and Xena. In proper Horoscopic parlance, a Heavenly Body is said to be in your Death Sign's Hiz-ous.

It is well known to Chakakhanistanis that the Horoscopic circumstances on the date of one's death are far more important than those of one's birth. The date on which one will die has a profound influence on one's entire previous life, and can even define one's former personality.
Accordingly, each Zodetric Sign possesses a list of personality traits attributed to those whose deaths will fall under it. In combination with the influence of the Heavenly Bodies, a Horoscopic Reading may be utilized to determine important events in one's life which will lead inexorably to one's ultimate, and deserved demise.

When first confronted with Horoscopy as practiced in Chakakhanistan, most foreigners have a number of similar questions.
Q: How do I learn my Zodetric Sign if I don't know when I'm going to die?
A: There are two ways to determine the sign under which your death will occur. First you can consult an Astrologizer who has been trained and certified by the Chakakhanistani Institute of Religio-Sciences, and have a proper reading. But in a pinch, you can consult a Decahedral Randomizer and the following Zodetric Table:

1: Zombie
2: Robot
3: Running With Scissors
4: Radioactive Dinosaur
5: Flipped-out Ninja
6: Surly Pirate
7: Gaucho
8: DeLorean
9: Sharktopus
10: Giant Shark

Here are displayed the Constellations of the Chakakhanistani Zodetre. Can you name them all?

Q: What do the different Zodetric Signs represent?
A: The simple answer is that they represent ten ways, and the only ten ways, in which all sentient life-forms will meet their demise. The more complex answer involves the personality traits associated with the individual Signs; a list too lengthy for the present discussion. However, the CIR-S will soon publish a complete guide to Chakakhanistani Horoscopy which will list these important details.

Q: In what way does the presence of a Heavenly Body in my Sign's Hiz-ous effect my Horoscopic Reading?
A: As has been said before, Uber-Hawt Chicks are far too random to predict. All that is known for certain is that their presence in the Hiz-ous serves to hasten one's ultimate demise.
The Planets, on the other hand, have the clear and predictable effect of modifying the related Zodetric Sign in accordance with the Planet's nature. The following is a list of the Planets acknowledged by the CIR-S to have Horoscopic effects and their corresponding natures. For convenience, they are also listed with numbers so that a Decahedral Randomizer may be consulted by the lazy or miserly.

1: The Moon (Insane/Crazy or Were-)
2: Mars (Martian)
3: Neptune (Aquatic/SCUBA)
4: Pluto (Cartoon)
5: Antichthon, or the Counter-Earth (Invisible)
6: Monstrator (Giant)
7: Elvera (Tiny/Fun-Size)
8: Nemesis (Evil Twin)
9: Planet X (Explosive/Exploding)
10: Xena (Amazon/Femenazi)

Q: How do I describe my Horoscopic Reading?
A: A basic Horoscopic Reading consists of your Zodetric Sign accompanied by the modifier(s) corresponding to the Planet(s) in the Hiz-ous.

For instance, one might say that they will die under the Sign of the Surly Cartoon Pirate, or the Evil Twin Running With Scissors.

It is also possible to have multiple Planets in the Hiz-ous, sometimes referred to as a House Party. For instance, the Invisible Giant Shark's Evil Twin, or the Martian Amazon Gaucho.

No comments: