Friday, June 5, 2009

¡¡¡Ultimate Cross-Over!!!

There is a movie out there, yet to be born. It lurks in the shadows, waiting to bust a nut of awesomeness all over the faces of every person with a face. Just so you know when it's in theaters, it is called, ¡¡¡ULTIMATE CROSS-OVER!!!

Are you fucking insane? It doesn't have a plot you nimrod. There are too many scenes with ass kicking and one-sentence explanations as to why the next character is crossing over for there to be a plot. All you need to know is that you're going to have the four basic food groups of action movies: Super heroes, action heroes, zombies, ninjas, explosions, titties, robots, and ass-kicking.

Ok, it opens with a hot chick running down a busy street in Manhatten and one of her boobs falls out. That's when you see she's running from Megatron. Megatron's all, "I'm a robot and you're nothing but fartmeat, bitch!" Then, from a side street he gets pasted by a shot from Optimus Prime's blaster. They mix it up a little and have some sexy talk about killing/saving humans, and then, just when OP is about to finish off Megatron, OH SHIT! OP takes one on the jaw from Giant Zombie Shia LeBouf. And he's all "UNNNNNNNNGGNGNGNG." And OP's all, "Dude, I thought I handled you in Transformers 3: Everybody Finally Realizes That The Robots Are The Characters!" But OP knows he's boned, that's why he blows into an Energon whistle carved by Egyptians and summons forth Snake Eyes. And he's all, "......." but you just KNOW he means business from the way he stands there silently. So he takes a single leap and his sword basically materializes in his hand as he's hurtling towards GZSL. Snake Eyes stabs GZSL right in his peckeroo!!! And even though it shouldn't phase him, GZSL is all, "UNNNNNNNNGNGNGNGNG!!!" He's fucked up, right? Megatron sure ain't gonna' help him, Optimus has him over his knee and is working on making him a robotic hand-puppet. So at this point, like 14 minutes have passed and peeps are like, "Oh shit, I bet Kevin Smith busted his load way early, how's the world-famous director going to pull out the next 75 minutes?" But that's when Dr. Zaeus comes swinging in and gives Snake Eyes pretty much the biggest verbal smackdown he's ever seen. DZ points out the weaknesses of man, the futility of resistance, and what happens when you ask too many questions. Snake Eyes is all "........" but you see a little blood coming down out of his mask and you know he's cry-bleeding because it's eye blood. Well, now the bad guys have the upper hand and everybody's going, "Oh fuck!" So they're shitting their popcorn and Mike 'n' Ikes all over themselves when who should show up but The Vision and he starts shooting laser beams and shit all over. Now most of the audience will be all, "What the hell is that robo-Elvis doing in this movie?" But the savvy peeps, like 9 or 10 per audience, they'll be all, "Aw daaaayum, they done dug deep for some bad-ass Avengers b-list fools into this piece!!!" The Vision tags in with Optimus and...well I don't want to get too carried away, but it gets pretty intense from there. Following is an incomplete list of the other cross-overees.

-Bruce Lee as himself
-Gunnery Sergeant Hartman
-The Ghost of Christmas Future
-The Ripley/Alien Hybrid
-Mecha-Shiva (Hank and Dean Venture)
-Giraldo Rivera
-Godzirra AND Godzilla
-Zombie Charlton Heston
-Future-Charlton Heston, back fresh from the Planet of the Apes
-Jack Nicholson with a 9 iron
-That guy from work who's piss smelled just like sausage
-Achilles from Robot Jox
-An old-school Cylon Centurion
-A Stretch Armstrong doll
-The original Doublemint Twins
-Trap Jaw
-Mecha-Black Midget (Emmanual Lewis, Gary Coleman, and the limo driver that steals Jim Carrey's wife in Me, Myself, and Irene)
-Chuck Norris (he's in the movie for like 3 seconds. He shows up in his Karate Jeans, everybody stops what they're doing and there's a record-scratch sound. Everybody turns and beats the living shit out of Chuck. They then break the fourth wall and say, "He's gone. Now shut the fuck up about him.")
-You know those two brothers from G.I. Joe? Tomax and Xamot? NOT THEM! It's Dial Tone.

That's all I know for sure that show up in the middle, but I have read the last two pages of the script and I'm going to let the cat out of the bag. If you aren't interested in a spoiler, you'd best turn back now, pussy.

At the end, a Predator and Wolverine show up and, because they have to sell a shitload of toys and lunchboxen, they whoop up on everybody. As the final head rolls, Wolvie and the Predator do the first ever on-film Jumping Claw High-Five Freeze-Frame.

For the opening night only, they will be passing out beef jerky and bacon sandwiches just as a way to get you out of the theater. You won't ever want to leave after you see that shit! Better set aside your $10 now. It's gonna' be awesome.


mothbot said...

Doc-tor Zae-us Doc-tor Zae-us. Doctor Zaeus. Come on and rock me Doctor Zaeus!

TF said...

the Chuck Norris bit is gold.

Giant Zombie Shia? URRRRGGGHHH!!!

but yes, in brief, you rule Horrywoo.