Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Prejudices of Man

I was watching a snippet of Night at the Museum when I realized an awful truth that Chakakahnistan must react to. While gorillas and chimps and orangutans get all the respect, monkeys get no love. Despite their cleverness and cuteness, monkeys are often portrayed as terribly undisciplined brats at best, or outright evil at worst. With a few exceptions, most movies and TV shows portray monkeys as deranged tormentors of crippled people, thieves, carriers of disease, and criminal ringleaders. Meanwhile chimps and gorillas are only evil because of something man has done to them. In fact, in rare cases where Gorillas or Chimps are portrayed as evil, those movies are box office failures due to the complete lack of believability. Anyone remember the movie "Congo"? I don't either. Otherwise the great apes are stalwart companions, capable co-pilots, and misuderstood loving giants.
Serously. You know better than to make wishes on a shriveled monkey paw! If you wish for your recently dead son to come back to life, he's gonna show up all bloody and hacked open from his accident at the saw-mill and the goddam monkey paw is gonna be all, "You didn't specifiy! You should have known I'd be a monkey dick about this." I'm sure if there was a story about making wishes using a gorilla paw it would all go according to plan...
Billions of Dollars? I'm sure you want some of that money in small unmarked bills and the rest in an offshore account. Oh, by the way, did I mention it's tax free? Yes sir, thank you for using Gorilla Mitt Wishing Services for all your wishing needs."
And when a monkey dies from eating a poisoned date? Well obviously the little bastard deserved it for his wicked betrayals and letting the Egyptians and Nazis know what basket you're hiding in. But when we have the military hop in their bi-planes and shoot a giant ape off the Chrysler Building it's our bad because he was just in love with some hot blonde and didn't know any better.
Why is this? Why should the smaller of our primate friends be seen as such demonic little pricks? Why is Ben Stiller being slapped by a kleptomaniac Capuchin? It makes no sense to me. And don't even get me started on robotic apes. That gets me all hot and bothered.


TF said...

I agree my friend.
Monkeys don't get the respect they deserve...

plus that movie was kind of dissapointing after a couple of re-watchings anyway.

Dekx said...

Hear me and hear me well, Hollywood:

Chakakhanistan is giving you just 90 days to right this wrong. At the end of this time, we expect to see all movie monkey wrong-doing removed or we WILL mobilize our strike team.

You have probably never heard of the Chakakhanistan Utilitarian Ninja Team. That's because they're so fucking good at their job, nobody has ever lived to tell about them. But believe me, when you see C.U.N.T. in action, you'll know it. But then you'll be DEAD!! DEAD!!!