Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When Computers Go Clubbing

The odds are good that you don't listen to your computer the way you should. You probably just shoot off your fancy emails full of lolcatz pictures reminding people to use snopes, download illicit movies where emo zombies spend most of their time cutting themselves to feel, and post Facebook status updates about the size and consistency of your twosies. But guess what, you unfeeling bastards, computers have feelings. Feelings you're not feeling, because you're unfeeling bastards.

In an effort to bridge the gap between meat people and mech people, effective immediately, The Polish Ambassador will serve as Chief Rotating National Anthem and Sexy, Sexy Robot Porno Music Commissioner of Chakakhanistan. In his new position he will be in charge of ensuring that you lazy cretins move your asses to the heat of the beat and respect the angle of the fucking dangle for a change. It has come to the attention of the Triumverate of Power that TPA will be in Reno on Friday, December 18th where he will be dropping the 8-bit UMPS UMPS music that makes all the robots dance. I hear tell he does not just spin records but recreates his songs through various electronic apparatuses. I also hear tell that he gyrates AND UNDULATES to the music.


You must do the following in order to maintain Chakakhanistanian citizenship:
  1. Go to his website. While you are there you should listen to the new remixen...remixi...remixes he's been posting lately. They are all delightful but we have taken a particular shine to Outkast's Wheels of Steel.
  2. Maybe buy an album or two, huh, you stingy ingrates? You've been sucking off of the Chakakhanistanenan teat long enough. You don't pay rent because we graciously provide underground bunkers, you don't pay for clothes because we dress you all in finely crafted matching, quasifuturistic running suits, and you don't have to pay for entertainment because we dole out all the subliminal message-laden cartoons you could possibly need.
  3. Go fan him up on his Facebook page so I don't have to hold your seamless-palmed hands every time he does something of note. You people are adults for godssake. It's time for you straighten up and fly straight. Come in for the big win or I will take a giant shit on you.
  4. Go to his show. That's twice I hadda' tell you. You know what happens if I have to say it a third time. I don't know why you people make me hurt you....

1 comment:

Shauna said...

Holy cow! That musical interlude was magical. His show was super good too. Thanks for making his whereabouts beknowst to your adoring public.