Thursday, August 27, 2009

5 Things I've Learned From the Movies...

1. A NUT PUNCH SHOULD NEVER BE DISABLING FOR MORE THAN PART OF THE SCENE: No matter how badly it hurts, you will recover in time to diffuse the bomb. If you don't recover, then you were not the main character anyway and you are clearly a supporting character in your own life. In this case, you are better-off dying in a fireball.

2. ALIENS HAVE NOT CURED THE COMMON COLD: Never feel bad for your shortcomings or your lack of insight except to the extent that they directly fuck you. If the extra-planetary beings with genetically engineered brains don't have the foresight to see if a runny nose might end their race, you should clearly be able to forgive yourself for sleeping through your alarm.

3. TRUE LOVE IS THE CURE FOR DEATH: Allow the good stuff to overcome the bad stuff: episodes IV through VI should make up for episodes I through III, the profound break with reality you will suffer when finally acknowledging how truly small and powerless we really are will all end well when you get that crazy piece of strange in the psycho ward... and you'll never see mustard the same way again, and getting caught masterbating does not mean you should stop; you may as well get the payoff.

4. CHARACTERS NEVER FART DURING THE CLIMAX: Christian Bale never farts when saving the city... and you shouldn't either. There is a reason that hatching a necrotic ass bomb during a board meeting might be a bad idea.

5. THE VIOLENCE IN "SAW" IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE HORRIFYING DAMAGE DONE TO YOUR MIND WHEN YOU REALLY GET WHAT GRANT MORRISON IS TRYING TO SAY: ... if you don't know who he is then google him... you sorry fuck... then go shoot yourself in the fucking head for being such a godamn waste of space.

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