Tuesday, March 10, 2009

5 things I've learned from being a nerd...

1. NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU COLLATE. If you are a dork and people know, that is all the information they need. Regardless of how dorky people think you are, you will be a bigger dork once they have experienced your geekitude in 3-D.
2. GIRLS EAT GEEK SOULS. Girls like guys who sweat and punch smaller guys in the face. They are not, in fact, impressed by your ability to intuitively know the number of jelly-beans in a jar, your knowledge about pre-cretaceous rock formations, that you are a level 19; half-elf wizard or that you know the difference between a Van Gogh and and a Matisse. Poems are not cool. No girls likes the poetry you write her or the pictures you draw. She does not want to hear your lame poetry while you play Fish albums. They don't want flowers... its not that they don't want them at all its just that they don't want them from YOU. They want them from a guy who burps and scratches himself.
3. CHESS IS NOT A SPORT. No matter how good you are at Halo, Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft or Poke Mon; no one will care. Even other dorks will secretly mock you. If you are good at it (regardless of what "it" is), keep it to yourself. Dorks are given no reprieve from dorkdom even by other dorks.
4. STICK TO BUTTON UP SHIRTS AND POCKET PROTECTORS. Don't try to dress cool. You don't have it. Dressing cool is for people who know how to dress cool. If you find youself asking what is cool to wear then please don't try to wear it... you will end up looking like a turd in a ribbon.
5. YOU CAN'T PULL IT OFF. when you go to college, you don't get to start over. You will not, suddenly, be less geeky--you will still wear vulcan ears and you will still know that the square root of -1 is an imaginary number. You will still be able to quote Hemmingway and you will not have that ever-so-cool hip-hop-and-indie-edge to your voice. You will still whine when you stub your toe and girls will still scare you. Accept that you will die alone.



Pica Maloria said...

1. Collating is sexy.
2. What if the girl *is* the geek? I don't want flowers from anyone, I don't understand most poetry so it's useless to write me any. Thank gawd Bran hasn't tried. He did draw me a picture, though. I liked that.
3. I suck at chess, so I resent it when a guy wants to play it with me - otherwise it's cool.
4. Word. ahem, I mean - I couldn't agree more. The cooler a guy *tries* to look (geek or not) the more he looks like an utter douchebag asshat.
5. Thank god. Geeks are human.

B. said...

It's meant to be more of a giggle fest for geeks who've accepted that they are geeks. I originally wrote it at around the time that I was leaving my geek-shame behind.

Pica Maloria said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...good for you, for there is no shame to be of the geekkind.