Thursday, July 3, 2008

n00bta(that should be an "at" symbol but Blogger won't let me use it)rd (Tmesis)

So I develop and support databases for my company. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 35 active databases and 300+ users between them. Whenever people have problems I always get the person straightened out and happy, then I make sure the issue is permanently resolved so I don't have to continue dealing with it. That keeps me happy as well as my customers. On the whole, I enjoy this aspect of my job.


I do have to deal with what many interwebs-savvy people might call a n00bt@ard (pronounced "Noob Tard"). It's a term used to denote that somebody is both a "noobie", meaning they don't have any technical skillz and a retard. While noobtards are almost always my biggest source of irritation, they make for good stories. In the past I had to deal with a woman who was trying to drag a file from Windows Explorer to a Browse box to attach a document in an Internet Explorer web page. Another woman didn't know that the Reply All button even existed in Outlook, much less what it does. Those women are two of my biggest noobtards but neither really compares to the third noobtard in the n00bt@rd God Head.

Today she emailed me and said, "My database doesn't work, can you halp?"

Me: "Maybe. If you tell me what database you're talking about."

NT: "The Such and Such Research One."

Me: "Ah, well try reinstalling it using the attached file."

NT: "I ran the file and it still doesn't work. What should I do?"

Me: "How about starting with WHAT'S FUCKING HAPPENING!!! Did the installation file fail? Does the shortcut not appear on the desktop? Are you getting an error on open? Are you getting an error when running a specific report? Are you getting an error regardless of what report you run? Is your fucking computer on fire? Is your vision just blurry from all the goddamn paint chips you ate as a kid? Or does your Fetal Alcohol Syndrome prevent you from thinking back to the fucking THOUSAND OTHER TIMES I have helped you troubleshoot a database and realizing that "It doesn't work" doesn't tell me shit about what's wrong?"

I see now why IQ tests focus primarily on the ability to recognize patterns. All of the stupidest people I have ever met can't seem to get past "2 +" to seal the deal. What boggles my mind, and more importantly enrages me, is that these mother fuckers not only hold jobs in real companies like mine, rather than mopping spoo at a porn shop, they stay alive! They manage to get dressed, not get run over by trucks, not to shower with their plugged in hair drier, or jump into tiger cages at the zoo.

Man, I love my job...


Lynell said...

Baby, I love you so hard right now.

Pamela said...

Waitaminute - you can add something to 2?? wq