Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I watch 'em so you don't have to. Unless you really want to.

Some zombie movies for your asses. And most of them bad. I'll let Netflix sum them up and then give you my thoughts.

1. Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!-
When an unorthodox drug experiment conducted by a mad scientist transforms the residents of a small town into flesh-eating zombies, a motley crew of exotic dancers, pimps, hookers and johns are forced to take refuge inside a seedy strip club. Helmed by first-time filmmaker Jason Murphy, this zany, tongue-in-cheek horror-thriller starsFHM model Jessica Barton and Playboy Playmate Hollie Winnard
.A shoddy and cheap zombie movie with playboy playmates who can't even do a good job acting as strippers. The only really good scene is when the pimp starts back-handing zombies. We'll see how it stacks up against Zombie Strippers.
1 Brain out of 5

2. Bio Zombie- Think George Romero's classic Dawn of the Dead with an Asian twist, and you've got a handle on this Japanese cult favorite that pits unwary shopping mall strollers against a horde of ravenous zombies. Woody and Bee -- two clerks who work at the mall -- unwittingly raise an army of ghouls when they slam into a biochemical company employee with their car … and he begins a wholesale infection. Better charge it!
A really silly Chinese (the Netflix description says it's Japanese, but it's not) Zombie movie. It's kinda fun and silly with little flashes of cleverness. The two main guys in this film make a comic duo, and the zombie effects are comically bad. In several scenes you can see that the zombies have gloves on to give them zombie hands. I like Tokyo Zombie much better.
3 Brains out of 5

3. Zombie Wars-
When a small group of rebels learns that zombies have begun breeding humans for consumption, they plan an all-out offensive to rid the planet of the flesh-eating monsters once and for all. After years of waging war against the undead, the population of mankind is reduced to alarming levels, with the dwindling bands of survivors relegated to living on the fringes of civilization, struggling to stay alive -- but not for long.
One of those films shot in someone's backyard. It looks and feels like it was made in the 80's instead of 2006. Terrible Terrible acting and the epitome of low-budget special effects.
1 Brain out of 5 and yet want to secretly give it another couple of Brains if I could somehow get the silhouettes of Joel and the bots along the bottom of the screen.

4. American Zombie-
Part mockumentary, part unabashed gore-fest, American Zombie follows filmmakersGrace Lee and John Solomon -- both playing themselves -- as they infiltrate a Los Angeles zombie community in an effort to document the undead subculture. Finding that the reanimated aren't much different from the rest of us -- save for some patches of rotting flesh -- the moviemakers offer a comical look at their marginalized subjects.
While I liked the idea, and liked some moments in this film, I guess I just didn't like talking zombies trying to fit in with regular people. Very little make-up or gore. I'm on the fence about this film and so we'll call it...
2.5 Brains out of 5

5. Day of the Dead-
Steve Miner (Friday the 13th Part 2) directs this remake of George A. Romero's classic zombie flick Day of the Dead, in which a mysterious disease causes the newly dead to come back to life and threaten the living. Meanwhile, military and scientific experts clash as they try to arrive at a solution. Miner and writer Jeffrey Reddick honor the story and social relevance of the first film but put a fresh spin on this tale of horror and intrigue.
Ugh. Supposed to be a remake, but really just a crap movie capitalizing on the name of the original. It has a few brisk fight scenes that are a little unbelievable even by zombie movie standards and stupid stuff like zombies scampering upside-down from ceilings to attack people. None of the Army people in this film except, Ving Rhames, look like they know anything about the military.
1 Brain out of 5

6. The Crazies-
Saw this one in the theatres. It's pretty much the standard "zombie" film plot with a small town overrun with a virus that makes people crazy and violent. Timothy Oliphant is awesome as the sheriff trying to save his town from Crazies and the US military. I actually jumped a couple of times had long stretches where I was totally stressed out. Again, not really a zombie movie, and I do wish it had a little more gore and maybe a good Crazies Mob attack but I'll still give it...
3.5 out of 5


zman said...

Zombies and Robots hate each other more than robots and monkeys.. Your post was a fun read i've seen most of the movies on your list and the majority of them are train wrecks.

Dekx said...

Ahoy! It is great to have a new reader! I hope you will get comfortable and avail yourself of some of our Chakakhanistan-brand Snacky Snoodles and Lemon-Frosted Sucrose Bombs.

We here at Robot Loves Zombie dream of a world. A world where zombies and robots and inteligent apes and giant rogue narwhals and chupacabras and small Mexican men who think they are werewolves can live in peace and harmony, subjugating/eating/shooting into space the human race together, as one united front.

Sure, some may call us naive optimists, but we prefer "blood-thirsty savages hellbent on world domination".

Warmest Regards,
High Commander-In-Chief of Humon Relations and Cleaning Toaster Ovens