Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I Watch 'em So You Don't Have To: part 2

We are going to eat you. OK, there's no need for a real summary to this one. Let's snuggle up and get this started with a checklist of its awesome.
1. Hot nekkid European 80's Women.
2. Zombies
3. Zombie attacking hot nekkid 80's women and fighting a shark.
4. No real plot to speak of.
5. Did I mention the hot girls, and the zombie fighting a shark? Yeah. I know I did, but it's really important to the movie.
Right. This one is great, and an Italian classic.
I give it 3.5 brains out of 5

Zombi 3: Before we get too far into it and waste any time on this piece of garbage, let's just say that this movie is a piece of garbage. Oh wait, I already said that. Fulci got sick and stuff, and didn't complete this film, so other people wrote new scenes, had to hire new actors, and then tried to cram the two bits together. Let's do a checklist of the awful, and remember that this is not a complete list, because a complete list would require a boring and terrible retelling of the entire movie in excruciating detail.
1. Makes no sense. A populated hotel resort that is the site of an outbreak at the beginning of the film is suddenly an abandoned and run-down mess that looks like it hasn't seen people in years!
2. No plot.
3. Which makes it even worse that there's no hot nekkid chicks.
4. Scenes are shot in one place and then suddenly taking place somewhere completely different. No continuity.
5. Ugghhh. Just go watch it and see for yourself.
6. Oh, and only the shoddy zombie fights are the only redeeming feature of this film.
1 Brain out of 5 for old time sake, but I really want to give it, like, negative numbers or something.

I'm torn again. This film is so bad that I want to give it negative brains. It's more like an old silent film with long stretches of annoying music and over staggering, overdone, craptacular acting. Redeeming qualities: Hot nekkid 80s chicks and zombie Nazis and lots of MST3K worthy moments including a fight scene where one zombie has to alpha male another zombie in the slowest, and silliest fight scene ever. Footage gets reused several times over. There's a scene where the crew is plainly visible in a giant mirror. Not just a quick glimpse, or tiny movement in a reflective surface that you can blink and miss. It's a giant wall mirror and you can see the camera guys walking in with the actor as plain as day for several seconds. And what the fuck time does this movie take place? One minute the zombies come crawling out of the lake to eat hot nekkid chicks and it's noon and the next scene the zombies are staggering around town in what is supposed to be night, and then it's broad daylight when the zombies stagger back to the lake. Heck, I think one sequence was: Zombies stagger into lake, zombies come back out, zombies go into lake, Wait, zombies are in the town now, zombies attack, zombies stagger back into lake. Oh, and during the underwater scenes, you can totally see that it's in a swimming pool.
The sheer stupidity, shoddy workmanship, sillyness, and number of hot nekkid 80's chicks earn it a brain that it really doesn't deserve.
1 brain out of 5

I've seen this one getting some bad reviews, but after Zombie Lake and Zombi 3, I actually enjoyed this one. Still pretty low budget, but it has some pretty decent acting, and some great zombie attacks as the zombie husband slowly changes into more and more of a vicious killing machine. The wife, played by Tracy Coogan, is super cute and when she gets worked up, she can't hide her sexy Irish accent. The scenes where the wife (Denise) has to sit in the house listening to the crunching and slurping noises of her husband eating was pretty cool and made me a little queasy, but in a good way. I've also read some critiques that the budget was so small that they could only afford to have one zombie, but in a way, that's like complaining that Alien only had one Alien in it. This movie has an interesting premise and some creative bits that don't require hordes of the undead.
I'll go a-head and give it 3.5 pretty damn good brains out of 5

No comments: