Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Complimentone

We here at RLZ recognize, as most of you probably have, that sometimes people cannot tell when somebody is giving a compliment. Often this is because a poor choice of wording gets misinterpreted as a personal attack or there is some variation between what two people consider to be a compliment. The difference between Chakakhanistan's ingenious and valiant, benevolent leaders and you lazy savages is that we care enough to do something about it. Therefore vis a vis e pluribus unum sic semper tyranus, The Chakakhanistan Quango of Speech and Cultural Maladjustment is pleased to introduce Complimentone.

The Good News: Complimentone completely removes discretion, the necessity for social skills and interpretation of any kind regarding compliments.

The Bad News: For the third time in as many weeks you will have to have your auxiliary voice box replaced in order to make the sounds which comprise Complimentone. This new spectrum of speech will make it physically impossible for the receiver's brain to interpret the statement as anything but a compliment. CQSCM understands that this may be inconvenient and increase hospital grade infections, however we appreciate your cooperation in this newest endeavor. We have every faith that Complimentone will prove more useful than Whoeversmeltitdealtitone and Don'tanswerthisquestionhonestlytone.

To represent Complimentone in text form, simply change the font color to teal, underline it, bold it, italicize it, and write, "COMPLIMENTONE" before and after the statement.

Following are some phrases which are well suited to Complimentone that will be immediately integrated into everyday speech now that the speaker's intention will be clear.

  1. COMPLIMENTONE Hey now, sexy bitch, you KNOW I dig a chunky dumper. COMPLIMENTONE
  2. COMPLIMENTONE Damn, lady, you're one of the sexiest 'cept'er heads I have ever seen. COMPLIMENTONE
  3. COMPLIMENTONE I have never been more attracted to a short, fat, balding, red-headed man in my entire life. COMPLIMENTONE
  4. COMPLIMENTONE It's ok you finished in 30 seconds dear, that way I know you'll never cheat on me! COMPLIMENTONE
See? It's easy! The Servitorship for Phsyical Violence and Square Dancing is not happy about what will certainly be a steep decline in physical violence, however the CQSCM feels that the SPVSD will see an even steeper rise in square dancing since so many people will be appreciating compliments which would otherwise have caused strife and an environment clearly not conducive to square dancing.

The Priestery of Mandatory Surgery has already deployed surgeons to your homes. Please eat the six pills your replicator just provided. Be careful! You only have six seconds after ingestion and then you will be enveloped in the inky embrace of medically induced coma. See you on the other side!

Sincerely,
Dekx McViolence "The Shank" Stabbenheimer
Glorious Co-Overlord and All-Around Agent of Chaos of Chakakhanistan

1 comment:

plainsprose said...

My mother could really use one of these Complimentones...