Friday, October 12, 2007

Ask RLZ: Issue #1

A lot of you have been emailing us at robotloveszombie at gmail dot com and asking excellent questions. Rightfully, you have been looking to MOTHy and I for guidance and advice and by fuck, we're gonna' give it to ya'!

Our first question comes from Dillard McGuillicutty, in Langford, CN. He writes,

"Dear Robot Loves Zombie,

The last few times I have been out to the bar, I have met strangers who seemed nice enough, but eventually drugged me and stole something from me. Twice it was my wallet and this last time was my bunghole virginity. How can I know who to trust in this crazy world?

Tired of getting my stuff stolen and my shit pushed,

Well, Dillard, that is an excellent question and a sad story! Now a lot of advice columnists would suggest that you stay away from bars and strangers but we know that's not an option for a soak such as yourself. We have some tough news, though: You can never know if a person is trustworthy. The good news is that there ARE some signs that a person is not to be trusted. If the answer to any of the following questions is, "yes", you'll know your kiester and/or your bankroll is in jeopardy.

-Does the person keep his/her change in a coin purse?

-Does this person regularly use big words incorrectly?

-Does the person own a portable CD player?

-Did the person make a live-action Transformers movie with way too many humans, not enough robots, and unnecessary, irritating characters that should be burned at the stake for their part in sullying one of the most precious Nerd Icons of all time and space? You hear me, Bay?! We're fucking coming for you, mother fucker! You fucked with the wrong nerds! It's go time, baby! And when Transformers 2: The Awesoming comes out, you'll see how Optimus Prime and his crew really roll! Bitch.

-Does the person comb all of his hair towards the front of his head?

-Does the person put only his thumbs in his pockets?

-Does the person sing along to songs they don't actually know the words to?

-Has the person ever won a game of Bingo?

If you answered "yes" or "maybe" to any of these then do not trust this person! It's best if you thump them in the head with a blunt object and run away quickly. Unless it's fucking Michael Bay. Then you beat his ass like he stole your childhood which lead you to a terrible life of crime and circle of violence, resulting in your arrest and subsequent stay in prison where you did 3 with good behavior but came out self-educated and built like a brick shit house, but now you're out for vengeance and you have just fucked up an army of his henchmen and saved the whore with a heart of gold, which was the only woman that ever treated you right in your whole life.

Hope this helps!

Dekx and MOTHbot

P.S. If any of you other readers have any quandries you need help with email us at robotloveszombie at gmail dot com.

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