Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear Guy From Colombia

Dear Guy From Colombia,

I don’t know how they do things in Colombia. I’ve never been. But here in America we don’t chat while holding our peckers. It’s nothing personal. I’d happily chat with you if neither of us were holding our respective peckers. But we are. Both of us. Now is not the time for chatting. Now is the time for urinating, clearing our throats, maybe farting a bit, but most importantly looking straight ahead. Not for turning to face each other and asking strangely out of context questions like, “How do you like it on this half of the world?” I’m a multitasker so I understand the urge to get a few things done at once. However, and I’m sorry to belabor the point but it clearly bears repeating, when there are peckers out, multitasking stops and everything else waits. Lastly, when you’re done pissing and there’s an option, you turn away from the other guy still holding his pecker. It’s just how it’s done here. I’m sorry to be The Guy Who Tells The Foreigner How It’s Done In Am’rr’ca, but this isn’t offering drivers’ tests in multiple languages. It’s not being able to order McDonald’s in English. It’s not even deciding which parts of an animal should be eaten and which should be disposed of. This is pecker holding. And in the States we take that pretty seriously.



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