Wednesday, May 19, 2010


No, Ken, I'm gonna' call you "Ken" and you're gonna' like it. I'm getting you ready for the real world, Ken. You're gonna' finish high school, go to the local junior college, get a degree in accounting and get some subservient position at your bother-in-law's firm because you got your girlfriend from college knocked up and you had to find a stable job that would put food on the table. And you're going to walk into work in your poorly fitting polyester pants, your wrinkly-ass shirt and the tie you got for church when you were six and do you know what everyone's going to say to you?

"Ken, good to see you!"

"Ken, time for a new tie, buddy."

"Ken, you want dibs on the last jelly doughnut?"

"Hi, Ken, how's that little one of yours?"

And you'll smile and greet these dimwits with the same feigned enthusiasm and carry your little brown lunch sack containing a sandwich made of the leftover meat loaf from last night's dinner to your desk and sit your inordinately huge ass in your ergonomically designed char at a desk with a name plate that simply says, "Ken." And seconds after you hoist your giant ass into your tailor-made cradle, your boss will walk up and say,

"Hey, Ken! WHEW! I had a tie like that when I was 6. My mom made me wear it to church. Hahahahahaha.....Seriously, though, Ken, I need to talk to you about the Johnson account. It seems as though you forgot about the new filing system, Ken. If you need a little refresher on the training we had last week just let me know, Ken, because I got this great book about it. Ok, Ken, you have a good day!"

And after you settle into the mind-boggling monotony of your shitty job you're going to get a call from your nagging wife who has been ruined forever by crapping out your ill-begotten son and she's gonna' say,

"Ken, I need you to pick up some milk and eggs on your way home. Don't forget. Last time I asked you to stop by the store you didn't bring a single thing home. I'm tired of having to think for you, Ken."

You'll cow down to your wife and give just the right tone of remorse to shut her fat fucking mouth up. Then you're going to go to the local dive after your day in purgatory and tie on one righteous bender, Ken. Because youre life will be shit. It'll be shit and you'll know it. You'll sit there and get hammered with some people you don't really know and reminisce about the days when life was a walk in the park. When your friends took care of you and you liked the girl you were fucking and everybody called you, "Kenny." That's what I'm getting you ready for, Ken, and you're gonna' fucking like it.

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