Friday, May 7, 2010

A Stalker's Practical Guide to Suzy

First things first: Suzy's full name is Suzanne Matilda LeFleur. Her phone number is 555-0999. Her address is 3541 Rain Cloud Road. She lives in an old Victorian that's been converted into several apartments. Suzy's on the third floor, north corner.

Suzy is the Goddess above all others in my Pantheon of Obsession.

Hiding Places: Suzy's next door neighbor is a 75 year old widow named Mrs. O'Whighans. She lives alone. She doesn't have any family and she lives in the house Mr. O'Whigans built with his own hands. As such, her house is far too big for her to utilize, maintain or patrol. She is also going deaf and is addicted to Drain-O-dipped cigarettes. This is the perfect house for stalking at range. I have a key to all the doors in the house, including the attic. The attic window is just 35 feet away from Suzy's living room and bedroom windows.


If you're going to enter Suzy's home, it's best to do it when she takes what I like to call her, "Power Dump". She does this as soon as she gets home each night around 5:30. She keeps a key to the apartment in the little potted plant just outside her front door. All of Suzy's closets are deep and have slats in the doors.

Suzy knows you're coming...but she won't know you're there...

Final Thoughts: Suzy's amazing, beautiful and far-reaching. I wouldn't leave her if I didn't have to go to this comic book convention. But I trust you. With that said, know this: if anything should happen to Suzy while I'm away there will be no end to the pain and misery I will bestow upon you. No limit to the delightful atrocities I will inflict to your earthly body. You will be living hamburger, bleating like a little lamb. Nobody will hear you, though, because Mrs. O'Hwighans is going deaf and is addicted to Drain-O-dipped cigarettes and I have the key to her basement....


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