Saturday, May 1, 2010

How I Got Here

Once, some wild, eight foot tall maniac grabbed my neck, slammed the back of my favorite head against a bar room wall and looked me crooked in the eye and he asked if I'd paid my dues. I looked right back into his eyes and said,

"When I was nine I wore aviator sunglasses and a headband with a fearsome Chinese dragon on it for a week straight. In the sixth grade I started wearing suspenders and a chain with a silver dollar on it like some prepubescent 70's wannabe. When I was thirteen I finally stopped sleeping with my blanky. In the eighth grade I nearly dislocated my right knee doing the half-splits at one of Mandan Junior Highs legendary dances. The summer before my freshman year of high school I started wearing a small, plush, stuffed puppy dog as a necklace. In the 9th grade I finally got a spike hairdo a year after they were popular. The summer before my junior year of high school I was Death in a medley of plays as performed by a traveling children's troop. It was in the 11th grade that I acquired the gift of being able to talk to girls I found attractive without crying nor making them cry. It was the eleventh grade when three different girls asked me to go to the winter formal and I declined. I received my first blow job in the twelfth grade. Which was almost cool except I shot it right away. As an adult I have vomited on myself on numerous occasions in drunken stupors, I still think Tr0n is a fucking RAD movie, I have a tattoo of Bert and Ernie on my flabby, pasty-white bicep and for some reason I feel the urge, nay, the compulsion to tell you about all of this."
"Have you paid yer dues, Dekx?"
"Yes, Sir. The check is in the mail."

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