Sunday, May 9, 2010

Why I Don't Vote

When I was a younger man I decided I would not vote. Chalk it up to youth or ignorance, but I had decided that the system was fucked and couldn't be fixed. Not only had I made my decision, I was proud. You couldn't shut me up on the subject, were it to arise.

In retrospect I see now what a buffoon I was. Conceptualizations of what a democratic republic should be aside, there is a far more legitimate reason not to vote. Registering to vote gets you on the list to become a juror in our court system. My job provides for paid time off so that I can better help my community. So jury duty in itself is not so terrible. In a lot of ways it would be more like a vacation than a civil obligation.

What worries me the most is ending up on the jury that convicts a super villain. I've seen it happen a jillion times in the comics, cartoons and the recent barrage of super-hero movies.

You start out with a Hero you need to introduce. Let's call him, "Hypothetacles." See, he's the new hero on the block and he's making a name for himself in a town we'll call, "Hypothetropolis." Hypothetacles will start off fucking up some gang-bangers and drug dealers just to get his name on the street. But eventually wading through an ocean of mooks without breaking a sweat will begin to bore Hypothetacles. Simultaneously, he will realize that while he's stopping crimes as they happen, he's not really getting ot the root cause of crime. This will lead him on a witch hunt through Hypothetropolis; killing them all and letting god sort 'em out.

As Hypothetacles moves up the Goon Ladder, his opponents will become fewer but far more powerful until he reaches the mastermind of all crime in Hypothetropolis:

Villain X

Nobody knows who Villain X is since he always wears a mask and kills anybody that has ever even been in the same room with him. Naturally, though, after an epic duel that nearly kills Hypothetacles, Villain X will be brought to the swift and fair justice of the Hypthetropolis Justice System.

That's where I come in. See, I help convict Villain X and save Hypothetropolis from certain disaster. It's a good day for everybody but Villain X and we all live happily ever after...UNTIL THE SEQUEL!!!

That'll open up with a rash of killings in which all of the victims were jury members who helped convict Villain X. Look, I'm not a very important man, so I have little doubt that I'll be one of the first people to be turned into yogurt or have my bones teleported out of my body as I'm kicked from an airplane at 17,000 feet while bing cut in half by the flechette rounds from the devastator cannon on the powered armor belonging to Cybermax, Villain X's right hand man.

My only real hope is that I'm funny enough to be the last remaining juror. After all, Hypothetacles is going to need me to be the bait for his cunning plan to catch both Cybermax and Villain X by turning their powers against themselves. And let's face it, Hypothetacles is no comedian. Where else are we going to get the comic relief we all know and love?

So if any of you are thinking about registering to vote, take a minute to really think about whether or not you're comfortable sending a super villain to the local Insane Asylum. You've seen the the kind of people that run these things; they're all stupid enough to be fooled by a hologram of Lex Luthor and Otis playing checkers coming from a homemade projector consisting of transistor radio parts and Kool Menthol cigarettes.

Is it really worth the risk?

1 comment:

B. said...

I want to fuck that rant right in it's hot, hot mouth.

Amazing.