Friday, September 14, 2007

Scarring My Wife

While my beautiful wife and I were driving to work this morning we heard an interview with Wolfgang Puck, who was talking about his divorce. His first wife was just as responsible for Puck's success as he was, apparently having an abundance of business savvy. For this reason Wolfgang said he wasn't bitter that she got half of all of the Puck Empire in the divorce.

When I thought of having half of a multi-BILLION dollar empire I got a little sad and a little horny. So I said to the wifey, "I wish you had married Wolfgang Puck."

She picked up the slack immediately. "So I could divorce him, get billions of dollars, then marry you? (And make you sign a prenup...)"

Dekx: "Yeah...NO!! I ain't signing no prenup!"

A moment of silence, then I said, "Wait! I would totally sign a prenup because I'll never leave you!!!" (Nice save, right? Oh yeah....)

A moment of silence, then, "Well, you know, unless you were paralyzed below the waist or your head got all mangled and ugly in an accident or something. I mean, that's not unreasonable."

Wife: "No, that's totally reasonable."

Me: "Although, a single big-ass scar that starts on your forehead, then runs across your eye and down your cheek would be pretty fucking hot, actually."

I turned to look at her cute lil' face and imagine a kick ass scar running down it when I noticed that she was giving me the hairy eyeball. "What? I'm just saying it would be awesome. OO!! Or what if it was three scars from a cougar you had to kill in the wilderness?!?! Oh Christ, that would be the shit."

More hairy eyball.

"I'm just sayin'...."

So if you're out there, and you bothered to finish reading this post, and you know what Wifey looks like, please, PLEASE chime in on the comments and back me up on this. Just imagine her being her same, cheery self until somebody that doesn't know any better asks her about the three parallel scars running across the left side of her face. She'd get a steely, ninja look in her eye and say in an almost hypnotic monotone, "That's from the cougar that tried to kill me and my man. We were on a camping trip in the Pacific Northwest when Dekx broke his leg trying to cross some rocks sticking out of a river. It was a compound fracture and I couldn't set it properly. So after the second day you could smell the rot and decay coming from his leg. That night, while scouting the perimeter of our camp, I picked up signs of a cougar. The following night, I found signs of a cougar again. I knew we were being stalked. Between carrying Dekx and our camping gear, and the stench leaving an easy trail for the cougar to follow, I realized I'd have to make a stand. We travelled about half as far as usual on the fourth day so I could make sure Dekx was well protected, and so I could make some jungle weapons with which I would face the beast that night. I sharpened some long, relatively straight saplings I had found and spent an hour or two practicing throwing them so I could get a decent feel for how they handled. I also covered myself in mud in attempt to confuse the cougar, which I had by then named, "The Cunt". I was exhausted after 4 solid days of carrying Dekx through the wilderness and we had already run out of coffee. So it was inevitable that I would fall asleep. The Cunt must have been watching the entire time, but she's wiley. She didn't attack until I had been asleep for a couple of hours and deep into R.E.M. The worst possible way I can think of waking up is to feel two flaps of your face dangling against your neck. Though I had been asleep, I was still prepaired. That opening shot was the last one The Cunt got. I put my knife in her right eye and as she staggered back, I drove one of my homemade pikes through her neck. The exchange was so short, Dekx didn't even wake up. The next morning, I had to sew my face back together because Dekx was too week by then from the gang greene and was shaking badly. I spent the rest of that day carrying him out and just after nightfall we made it back our car. To this day I wake up every morning, right around 3 a.m. and it always feels, just for an instant, like two flaps of my face are touching my neck. It's like I relive the attack every day and Dekx plays his part, too: He never wakes up...."

Then she'd come out of her hypno state and be all cute and sparkly again. Tell me that wouldn't be awesome!!!


Lynell said...

That's hella gonna be my Holloween costume.

Dekx said...

See?! That totally verifies the awesomeness of it.

battlmnkey said...

It would be awesome.

Dekx said...